Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What is WRONG with me?!?

Seriously.

Beloved has a softball game every Monday night. I think his company has the team, or maybe it's just a bunch of his coworkers. Anyway. I was there as usual, cheering him on, and cheering on his team when it just hits me:

I am head-over-heels, butt-crazy in love with this man.

Still.

I watched him out there in the field, the way he jiggles his legs when he's anxious. The way he moves his arm when he's waiting for the hit. The funny hunch he has when he just starts to walk. The way he runs, and when he stops he shifts his feet the same way every time. The same two flicks of his wrist that fix his shirt when it's hanging funny. The way he licks his top lip when his mouth feels dry.

And I knew each one before it came. I knew before he did any of them what to expect.

It's like...

...like watching those well-known, well-loved parts of your favorite movie:

You know when to expect them, and then when you see them, even when you've seen them a thousand times, they still make you smile.

Gosh. Am I so pathetic or what?

The other night after being...together. I told him, "I love you now as much as I ever have done. Nothing you have done has diminished that." And he said, "I know. You're too good to me."

To which, at the time, I didn't respond. But now I am thinking, "YEAH. I am too good to you!" But, what can I do? It's the way I feel...

How did I become one of THOSE women? I never thought I'd do these things. I always swore I'd kill him. Or chop something off. Or at the very least take the kids, leave and never look back. But...just...none of the 'typical' or 'normal' reactions feel right.


**sigh**

Friday, June 26, 2009

Where is my Clarence?

One of my (and Beloved's) favorite movies to watch during the holidays is "It's a Wonderful Life"
I keep thinking of the beginning of the movie. The very beginning. You know what I'm talking about...you hear all these prayers floating up to heaven on behalf of George Bailey.
I just keep thinking of that. I can't get it out of my head. I feel like if I could just get enough people to pray for my George Bailey. If I could get a village to pray for Beloved--I think a miracle could happen for him.
So--am I seeking a Clarence?
Am I to be Clarence?

But I need somebody
something
soon.
Because I feel like my George Bailey has already crashed his car and is on the bridge contemplating jumping to the icy water below.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Who knew lotion could be yummy and icky all at once?

One of the things that stinks about this whole mess is that everything (and I do mean EVERYthing) seems to be laden with double meaning or ulterior motives. I really hate it.

For example:
Bath and Body Works (BBW--to save further typing) was having/is having a great sale. I decided I was going to go partake of said sale and purchase some yummy soaps/lotions/etc. I told Beloved I was going to leave the kids and go over there for a few minutes. Suddenly he looks interested and says, "Where is there a BBW around here?" Now, my husband would never care where there is a BBW before. Which made me look at him suspiciously and say, "Why? Do you need me to pick up something for you?" And he looked at me and said, slowly, "Noo. I like their soaps, though. Could you get some of those?" And I said yes and left. Because all I could think of was that Shannon had said that she likes BBW and he thought of it when I said it and then he decided he'd swing by and pick up something for her. Now. That may all be in my head. And probably is. But it is all I could think about while I was out.

I bought some new lotions I had never tried before, but which I liked very much and some soaps and a car freshener for Beloved's car. In case you were wondering...

ANYWAY. So the next day I was wearing the new lotion and sitting beside Beloved and he turns and says, "What is that lotion you are wearing?" And I said, "why? you don't like it?" And he said something like, "no it smells really good" or "no, I like it a lot". Then he re-asks "What is it called?" Which really creeped me out. I didn't want to tell him the name of that lotion I was wearing because all I could think then was, "Ew. Don't be weird and send your mistress lotion that you smelled on me and liked."

Funny story: Beloved dated a girl before me for 2 years and at one point in their relationship she bought him and her brother the same cologne. She said she just thought it was so sexy.

Yeah. I know. Gross, right? So, that is all I could think of.

There are lots of little things like that which make me a little crazy. Am I doing it to myself? Maybe. Though, I do think he is a little *cuckoo-cuckoo* (not right in the head) right now and doesn't quite know what is appropriate behavior and what isn't and therefore wouldn't put it past him to be doing or thinking these weird things.

What do you think?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Back again

I know I said I'd post Thursday, but frankly I didn't yet have a decision on if I would continue posting. You see, I have a lot to say. I have a lot I'd like to share, but how to do it without making Beloved look worse? I mean, don't get me wrong, this is a true and accurate representation of what is happening, being said, etc. But, well, any person having an emotional affair on his/her spouse is going to look bad. Because it is. Bad.

I liked one of comments from the last post, and I don't know if you all read it, but I'll post it here now so that it can get read. I will be back again soon. Probably tomorrow. Oops. There I go again, setting a deadline for myself. I'll see if I can reach it. ;)

The article posted in the comment is as follows:


Dear Abby: The Other Woman regrets marrying man she cheated withBy Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "The Other Woman, Anywhere, USA." Please tell your readers if they find themselves in her shoes, they should RUN in the opposite direction. My husband, "John," and I both left our spouses to be together. It has been 10 years, and I regret leaving my ex-husband every day. I traded a wonderful marriage for an obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant man. John paid for his daughter's wedding reception with money from our joint account. John went alone. I was "forbidden" to attend.My "soul mate" usually forgets my birthday, and one year he also "forgot" Christmas. If only I could turn back time. I find myself praying for the end of time and realize I'm probably getting what I deserve.- Living With Regret

DEAR LIVING: You letter is a reminder that there is dignity in being alone and filling one's "down time" with good friends and helping the less fortunate. As I expected, "Other Woman's" letter generated a ton of mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "The Other Woman" was 100 percent right on. I was once in love with a married woman and won her heart. I thought, "All's fair in love and war," and had little regard for her husband. Then I met him.When I looked into his eyes, I knew what I was doing was wrong and bad karma. Here was a human being with a soul, who loved and trusted his wife, who was true to his marriage vows and trusted her to be true, too. Spiritually, it was an important and painful lesson. My advice to married people having an affair is to ask yourselves how you would feel if you were being cheated on. Do the right thing. Honesty and integrity matter.- Former Other Man, Anywhere, USA

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman for six years. It has taken me a year to realize how unhealthy the relationship was for me. Not only did it damage my self-esteem, but the guilt became unbearable. I wish I could go back and undo what I have done. Luckily, I now have someone who cares about me and accepts me - flaws and all - and loves me for who I am all the time, not just one or two hours a week.- Wiser Now in Virginia

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman. Over time I have come to understand that I believed what I wanted to believe because I was lonely, needy and vulnerable. I learned as time went on that my lover was incapable of developing a mature, responsible and meaningful relationship. I experienced the calamitous consequences emotionally, psychologically and financially - as did our child. Through counseling, friendships and networking with other women and getting to know myself in a rigorously honest way, I became too healthy to be the other woman. I'm now in the marriage I always dreamed of to a man with character and heart, who is devoted to me and "our" child. I learned that the right man would find me when I became the person he was looking for. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.- Finally Fulfilled

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter from "The Other Woman" and your reply. I have been divorced 12 years and involved with a married man for more than a year. The affair has been lonely, degrading, unfulfilling and a real self-esteem buster.Your answer reminded me of what I have always known. Because of it, I have decided to end my affair and get back into the real world. I hope "Other Woman" wakes up and does the same. And soon. -- GRATEFUL IN ALABAMA

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How to Save a Drowning Man and other things...

Please Note: This post is educational as well as...whatever else it usually is...


I feel I need to make a confession here, today:

I am not perfect.

I know, I know. I can hear all of you out there gasping with shock. I'll wait while you get yourselves a paper bag and regain your composure.
.
.

.
.
.
Better?

Ok, so allow me to continue:

Example 1: Beloved and I were talking Saturday, and I remembered a little lie that I believed and it just got under my skin. And I let it fester there. I know. I'm not proud of it, but it is true. And then I nursed that festering wound instead of praying it away like I had been doing until then. I know...

So by bedtime, my mind was so unsettled, that instead of doing what I told myself--and God--I would do...(that I would only try to talk to him about our situation when I felt the Spirit prompting me to do so.) I went ahead and talked. It didn't go well. And I felt awful. I nagged. I did. I nagged him to go to church Sunday for the whole service. I'm not proud of it.
I know why I did it.

And I as I told a certain smartest-woman-in-the-world in an email, Sometimes I just feel like I'm trying to save a drowning man who keeps throwing the blasted float-on-a-rope back.

And then I thought about it and, you know, that's kind of like the the Savior. We can lead people to Christ, but we can't make them partake of His sacrament or His Atonement and forgiveness. We can only offer it to them.

Then I found this article online. It explains that jumping into the water to save someone is the WORST way to do it, and why. So, in the spirit of learning and summer and metaphors, I'll summarize for you:
Reason#1- A conscious drowning victim is most likely panicking. It is amazing the strength a panicked person will have.In their swinging and struggling, you are likely to get knocked out. (amen, brother!)
Reason #2- The victim's fight for survival may make you a victim.For some strange reason, when a person is drowning, he often does not recognize that you are trying to help him. (right!)The victim will use any and all means to propel his body to the surface, which may mean pushing you down to push themselves up.
Drowning Rescue Step One- Decide if the person is within an arms distance of you. Lie down and scoot as close to the edge of the pool as possible, while still maintaining leverage. Reach out to the person while yelling, "Grab my hand!" It may take a few seconds, so don't panic if they don't hear you or see your hand right away. If they are within reach, they will most likely see it eventually. (Reach out to them, and let them know it!)
Drowning Rescue Step Two- Find something long that the person can grab on to. Repeat step one (lay down and reach), but this time, hold tight onto the pole. (Couldn't help thinking about faith, hope, God as being the something to hold onto)
So, there. Hope you learned something about Water Safety!

Example 2: Beloved found this blog and read some of it. And to be honest, my emotions were mixed. My first instinct was to be angry, then I felt sorry for him, because it hurt his feelings to read some people's opinions of him. Then I got irritated again and let him know it. And I'm not happy I did.

I told him that I didn't think it was very fair that he gets to read and know all my thoughts, all my feelings about this, and he doesn't even tell me one. And he goes and calls Shannon and tells her everything and he doesn't owe her crap. I know. On some level, it felt good to finally say something snarky, but I didn't like the way I handled it.

And as I thought on it more I realized, I don't care if he reads this. He is my h-u-s-b-a-n-d. He has every right to know my thoughts and feelings and concerns. Especially about this.

But...
I decided that I'm going to take a few days off of blogging. Well, at least of publishing them. I told him I'd stop, but he said I needed to have an outlet and support. But, if he is embarrassed or hurt by the things I am posting...well, I just can't be the thing that hurts him more.
Does that make sense? Well, I hope it does. So, give me a few days to decide what I'm going to do.

I'll post again on Thursday.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

A few notes

First of all:

About the comments: Thank you ALL for the comments, both supportive and not-so-much. I love to read them. You can always email me, the link is there in my profile. Or right here: gigi_hec@yahoo.com There have been some questions about my identity and such. So if you know me personally, I ask that you don't reveal Beloved's and my situation to others who know us as well. Those who don't know us personally, do whatever you like! ;)
Second of all:

In response to comments about that last post: I would LOVE to actually do something with that thing, but it is a work phone, provided by work and paid for by work. So I probably shouldn't throw it under a truck.

And I am glad you enjoyed my dance. I enjoyed it for the 3 seconds it took before I felt that response to it and decided it wasn't a good idea to tease Satan.

And no he has not been to see the Bishop. He says he knows that he'll just be told to stop talking to her and he doesn't want to do that. I know that is part of the truth, but let's face it. When one is doing wrong, one doesn't want to be TOLD what is right.

It's like when my niece was on drugs, she didn't want to hear that she was screwing up her life, flunking out of school, burning up her brain cells on everything she could find. She couldn't hear it and certainly didn't want to hear it. Because she knew what it was doing to her. She just cared more about how it made her feel to get her fix, than what it was doing to her.

This is like that. In a lot of ways.

And I worry about him so much. I can't even worry about anything else.
He is so hard on himself.


It makes me think: For a long time (I'm talking years) he would get down on himself for some small, teeny-tiny failing and say that he is 'just like his dad'. I'm afraid it is like the self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, you tell yourself something for so long that you are MAKING it be true. When it doesn't have to be.

See, I don't think he realizes that he is a different person.
He is a good father. His dad wasn't.
He makes sure his wife feels loved. His dad didn't.
He makes sure to spend time with all his family. His dad kept to himself for the most part.
etc., etc.

The great thing about NOT being the same person, is:

Beloved can choose to be who he wants to be!

He can choose to be like his Dad and give up all that he believes in and holds dear (as well as those who love him and hold him dear), OR he can choose to be the man God--and I--know him to be.

The thing is, being that person isn't instantaneous. It takes time, but with his guilt having hung over his head for so long, how could he ever become that man?

This is such a good thing for him to deal with right now.
I just need to have patience.
I have enough faith in him.
I know he has the strength.

I think right now he needs to have just the Hope that things can get better. And the desire to step away from the fog that is surrounding his mind and heart.

So often I see him and I wish I could just grab him and soak up all those awful feelings that are keeping him down and just give him whatever it is he needs to get back up again. But I am realizing that he needs to do it for himself.

Which sucks.

Friday, June 12, 2009

On my mind




How is it possible to hate an inanimate object so much? I tell you what, Beloved has a TMobile Wing. Oh my gosh. I just uploaded the image onto the blogger page. And my stomach just lurched...


I have such a visceral reaction whenever I see that thing. I know IT isn't the source of our problems, but it is what he uses to IM her and text or call her (when he isn't at work--there he skypes her). Truly, I have to talk myself through walking past it, or choosing not to notice it. Because my immediate response is to snap it into pieces and chuck it under a truck.


Beloved has it with him ALL the time. Months ago he would take that thing off as soon as he came home. I noticed that he was always with it and checking it before, but now. Ugh. He is compulsively checking it, touching it, etc. I don't think he realizes he is doing it, either. He thinks he is being so 'respectful' to me by 'not doing it in front of me'. But he just happens to need to run out to the garage for a while and come back with nothing but his phone. And he just 'has to check an email from his boss'. And he checks and re-checks it before bed. And then checks it as soon as he gets up.


Now, anyone can see that he can't make any clear-headed decisions with that thing...and Shannon...always within a finger's reach. But, I think he knows that. He doesn't want to make any clear-headed decisions. He knows what is right. He just doesn't feel like doing it right now.


It saddens me all the more, because he holds onto that thing like it is a lifeline, instead of the flaxen cord that it is.



I was thinking about him yesterday. Satan, I mean. And how he leads us around with that flaxen cord that starts out sooo light, and sooo fine that it almost invisible until it becomes a giant rope around our necks.


And I got mad and I said, "Stupid Satan!" And then, because I'm a little bit perverse, I did a little dance and sang "I have a bod-y and you-u do-on't!". But just as quickly I imagined his response, as he shakes his own tush and sings "I've got your hus-band and you-u do-on't!"


But, I pray he doesn't have him for long.


Seriously, people. He is...so...wonderful, and good, and loving, and...worth fighting for.

Our children are worth fighting for.

What we have/had is WORTH FIGHTING FOR.


We have

eternity

and truth

and God on our side.


The family is ordained of God. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) Anything that would tear you away can only be of Satan.


I just, don't know how to help him see what he has known all of his life.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sunday

Sunday was a very good day. I had church hymns on the entire day as we got up, ate breakfast, etc. Baby Girl ( 4 ) sat beside Beloved as he prepared his lesson for the ward missionary class. --Now I think I need to interject here that the night before the children and I prayed for Beloved, because he was out driving and I asked that he would see the temple and remember his covenants-- So, E said to him "Why do you have to go to the temple?" And he said, "yes, I do have to go to the temple." And she said, "What will you find there?" And he said "Well, we go to the temple to get married and we make covenants and we learn about God and... " I didn't hear the rest because Big Boy (10) asked a question. Then a few minutes later Beloved left the room. I went to ask him a question a few minutes later and he had been crying. Embarrassed, he shrugged me off and walked away. OK. So, I say embarrassed. Maybe he was angry at the thought that he had made a covenant with me. I don't know.
But he had a meeting to go to (he came home late, so I am pretty sure he called her before coming home, but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt...well, but I'm not stupid) and then came home. We all just relaxed until time to go to church.
It was testimony meeting and I got up to bear my testimony. I made sure he didn't have an excuse not to listen. I asked my friend (who conveniently sat in front of us) to hold Baby Boy while I did so....actually she made sure to ask for him as soon as people started getting up to bear testimony. Anyway, I got up and just felt like I needed to publicly thank Heavenly Father for His love and for Our Savior's atoning sacrifice. I testified that he paid the price for us, he suffered and he bled and he died for us so we don't have to go through that pain. All that fear we have is all in our heads. And that I know that He can change us and there isn't anything we can't change and be forgiven for. All we have to do is want to change and he can reach out and help us. Then I talked about John 14:18 "I will not leave thee comfortless; I will come to you" and told about how I was comforted that awful night and then I really felt that I needed to thank Heavenly Father for my children and husband and that they teach me so much every day and that Beloved has taught me so much especially when I am struggling to understand something or a principle and he guides me to find an answer. And I testified that Beloved is just the most honorable wonderful man I know and that he never believes me when I say it, but it is true. And I closed my testimony and sat down.
I had cried for a lot of it, so I sat down and then couldn't stay in the room. I had to get out and breathe or something. I came back in a few minutes later and continued as regularly scheduled. :)
I got a lot of people thanking me for my testimony and asking what was the matter and what they could do. To most people I just said, "oh, just pray for us, and especially for Beloved that he can feel the Spirit and know what is right and what to do." But I did tell 4 people.
Then as I was in the hallway the Bishop came down the hall and shook my hand and looked me in the eye (which I was trying to avoid) and asked if there was anything he could do. Well, I lost it all over again. I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but then said I'd follow him to his office becuase I couldn't stop crying.
Once in his office I just couldn't talk about it. I really felt a strong feeling like, "It's not time yet." So I told him I needed to carry this a little bit longer.
A big part of it is that Beloved needs to have access to the Spirit if he is going to be strong enough to change. And if the Bishop has to call him in after I confess our problems, then his punishment will be pretty severe. Definitely disfellowship for what he has done...or what he has told me he has done, at least. And I am just not ready to do that to him.
Well, I got a feeling between Sunday School and the third hour of church that he was out in the car. So I walked out there and caught him texting her. I told him that he needed to do what he promised and go to church. He told me he was just coming out to drop something off and then he was coming back in. I don't think so, but whatever. He followed me in and stopped me in the hall. We talked for a minute and I felt a little better.
I told him "I know you think the soul-crushing news is that you are in love with someone else, but I don't care about that"
"How can you not?!"
"Just, because I don't, ok? The soul-crushing thing is that you are willing to leave our children"
He was like, "What? I never said that. I know it may lead to that, but I couldn't leave the kids."
That gave me a sense of relief.
But what really made my day better, as perverse as this sounds, was that when I told 2 different people about what was happening in my life one told me that she had been through this herself, and another told me that there are so many people in our stake that have gone through this and gotten better.
I decided I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore for the day, so I didn't. We just had a peaceful afternoon. It was much better than Saturday...that was such a mess of a day. Both of us exhausted and walking on eggshells. Ugh.

Catching up

So, Saturday night Beloved went out to get some air and think. This is what I wrote in my notebook (I didn't feel like sitting in front of a computer):
At some point, Gigi, you have to "let go and let God", as they say.
Will I always love him? Yes
Will I always forgive him? Yes
Will you take him back if he leaves? Oh. God help me, but yes...How could you turn away half of your soul?

The other day we were driving and listening to Matisyahu. The line in the song about his wife "Coming into this world our soul was torn in two. Searching for you, I've been searching for you..." I pointed it out because I always think of him. I know now that he had been thinking of her.
He is so deceived. Satan's so strong and has such a stranglehold on him. He cannot even see it. But I know what I feel and I find solace in the promise I have of peace and grace from Heavenly Father. Because I need it. Oh, but so does he.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Should Have Known, and If You Don't Laugh You Cry II

About 2 months ago Beloved was at the facebook (had just turned it on) and up popped a chat box from a certain Shannon Blah-Blah. (Last names are changed to protect the not-so-innocent) I was at his shoulder reading something he was posting and could have sworn it said "hey handsome...."and some other stuff I wasn't fast enough to read. He closed it down so fast and when I said, "Honey, your friend was trying to chat with you." He said, "Oh, Oh, I just, I've never chatted on Facebook before."

To which I replied, "Yeah you did. Remember you chatted with my sister and then me the other day?" To which he responded, "oh....yeah. Well, I don't want to start talking, we're headed to bed." (Which is what we WERE, in truth headed to...) Then I said, "Well, tell her that, so she doesn't think you're being rude" (I really wanted him to open up that dialog box again, since I know they save the messages even after being closed down. Hey, I can be stealthy, too.)

So, I pretended to watch TV and sat so I could see the both the tv and computer screens. Then I saw him open up the message, read it quickly and press 'clear chat history' Then he typed--no lie, true story--"My wife and I are looking at facebook together." followed by something mundane like, "how are you?" or some such nonsense.

As he typed he was telling me that he didn't feel comfortable chatting because he made a rule not to chat with any females on here, even old friends, only posting on 'walls'. I came over and pretended I was looking at a new quiz that one of his seminary students had just taken and posted about. Then I read his chat. Which, honestly wasn't as sneaky as it sounded, because we have always been open about emails and stuff like that. And I questioned him about his weird behavior and his even weirder post.

He got really defensive, which I thought was just him getting upset that I wouldn't trust him...I didn't think it was because he was truly guilty. Oh, stop! I'm kicking myself now for it.
ANYway...I told him to think how it looks from my perspective and then I believe I said, "And then you type my-wife-and-i-are-looking-at-facebook-together. As in: My-wife-and-I-are-looking-at-facebook-together-so-don't-mention-the-hot-sXX-we-had-today." He stopped and said, "yeah. I guess that does look really suspicious. I'm sorry I was defensive" Then he went on to say that she's just an old friend and that she is married and with kids. To which I responded, "So, people who are married with kids can still cheat"

OK, so who wants to reach through their screen and throttle me for not realizing it sooner?

Ach, no worries, I totally understand.

I just...trusted him so implicitly.

So, after that incident with the facebook chat I told my best friend and she and I laughed about it. I KNOW, ok?! Stop. I feel dumb enough as it is....
As I was saying, so she laughed about it and her husband knew about it and we all thought it was funny. Hardy har har.

So, yesterday I was on Facebook and I saw Amy's husband J (who has been supportive during my crisis) available for chat and it went a little something like this:

Gigi: Hey friend, thanks for being so supportive right now and for being a good husband to Amy. She's so wonderful. I am really grateful to have her here.
J: No problem. I'm really glad you have each other.
Gigi: me, too.
J: Hey, I read your blog (i have another blog...not anonymous...and much more uplifting!) a few days ago. Some of the posts were really funny. You're kind of funny.
Gigi: I know, right? I'm super funny. Why do you think Amy likes me so much? LOL.
J: That one about E and not being killed at the supermarket was hilarious.
Gigi: I know. That E just cracks me up sometimes. She's such a little freak.
J: Oh, and don't worry. I'll disclose this chat to Amy.
Too soon?

I KNOW, RIGHT?! I can't believe he would have joked about that! Actually, my first instinct was to gasp, and then I laughed. In fact, I laughed about it several times throughout the day. I tell you what, you have to have a sense of humor some days.

Thank goodness for Amy and her husband. ;)

Monday, June 8, 2009

If you don't laugh, you cry.

A few months ago his ex-girlfriend (not the one he is now 'in love' with a different one--the one I knew about that he dated just before me) wanted to friend him on Facebook and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with that. He kind of cleared up how would I feel if he was contacting just old friends and I said that was fine, becuase that is what I thought he was doing and what facebook is about, you know?

Anyway, then he said "I mean, if you were talking to Terry it wouldn't bother me" Which I thought was odd, and I figured he said it would bother him and I misheard him. Because why would he be ok with me talking to someone I adored for 2 years and thought I was in love with at the time? Now it occurs to me that he had already been having his emotional affair with Shannon for 2-3 months at the time. And what makes it funny (instead of sad--because maybe I could have asked him to clarify and maybe we could have stopped this thing before he went out there to see her and felt he couldn't live without her) is that I said something like "oh, yeah, I'm sure his wife would like that" And he said "He's married now?" And he actually looked disappointed. And I took it for confusion...like he had forgotten and was confused that he didn't remember this bit of information.

You know what?

I think he was trying to pawn me off on T! I think he was hoping I would form an attachment like he was forming and so then he wouldn't have to feel guilty or worry about me!

Isn't that hilarious?

Isn't that just stab-you-in-the-back-spit-in-your-face-hilarious?

Ok, it sounds like I'm more bitter about that than I really am.

Because, although it is sad, I do think it is actually funny, too.

Maybe because I see the folly in his thought processes.

Maybe you can see the humor in it, too?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Just a reminder: I am your wife.

I want him to know who I am and remember it. So I take every opportunity to sit by him, hold his hand, or give him a squeeze as I pass. Granted, we always did this anyway, but I feel like now, more than ever, I need to keep reminding him.
I feel like right now, what more can I do?

No, really. I'm asking. What more can I do?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

24 hours can sure pack a wollop.

I think I have cried more these last few hours than I have in an entire year.
I was so foolish last night. I thought that when he and I talked that he said something about trying to move on from this and me being OK knowing that I had him, but his heart was somewhere else. I thought he meant that he would continue 'loving' her even after he stopped contacting her. Yeah. Stupid me, I thought he was going to STOP contacting her. Today he explained that it wasn't going to happen. So I did something I never thought I would. I said, 'what if I'm not asking you to do that right now?'. I know, right? His face lit up. I could tell he was relieved aplenty. Why did I do that? I can't say, other than I felt like it was right not to pick that particular battle.
I did tell him, though, that if we are going to live like a family then we are going to act like a family. That means family prayer and scripture study like usual. I told him that he needs to feel close to Heavenly Father if he is going to make a decision and be assured it is the right one. Can you believe he is so confused...he actually thinks God might just want him to leave his family.
He told me this morning that he has never held back his love from me in 12 years of being together, but he can never love me the way he loves her. I told him I'm not asking him to. Because I know that what he feels for her isn't love. It truly is obsession. He cannot see anything else or care about anything else but being with her. He knows that if he leaves he'd be leaving behind his four children, and life and eternity with them (oh, and with me--whom he still loves the same as he always has--hello?!) for a few years with someone else. He doesn't even care that he knows that he'll be unhappy with the decision to leave...if he does...which I think he is leaning toward this evening after talking with her and finding out that she told her husband today.
He told me tonight that he went out there twice instead of just once. That really ticked me off. We are struggling financially but he sees fit to fly out there and get a hotel twice in a month? Really? Stinkin' facebook.
I felt really strongly (after I urged him to get onto facebook) that I needed to get him off. But I thought I was just being silly. Ladies, listen to your premonitions, or the Holy Spirit, or whatever you believe in. Just do it.
I left this morning to go to my best friend's house. I originally planned on going to Walmart with her, but couldn't leave once I got there. I collapsed. All that I had been feeling and scared of and angry about came out and it felt good. Because I can't kick him in the head or punch him in the temple like I want to. Somehow that just doesn't say "I'm willing to move on". Which I am. Because I know we can be stronger when we get on the other side of this blackness.
I haven't let him see me cry. I've been calm and the picture of beatific hope. Ok, maybe not so beatific and angelic...considering the puffy eyes from only 40 min. sleep last night and the crying jag I had at Amy's later.
Well, I didn't let him see me cry until I was just about to leave. I just was overwhelmed with the need to kiss him and hug him goodbye. So I did. And we held each other and cried like soldiers quaking from the carnage all around us. And that's what I feel like. So, I guess Pat Benatar was right. Love IS a battlefield. Or, maybe just this is...what is this? Infidelity. He's having an emotional affair that 'isn't going to stop', is what he told me today.
Honestly I feel like I'm in a dream. Because this can't be my life. If anyone could fail the other it would have been me. Never him. He is so good, and honorable...I just don't understand what has happened.
I know who he is. He just has forgotten and is in such a dark place. I pray that God sends him some LIGHT! I'm trying to reach out, but he needs so much more that only God can give!
I know he can let go of her. I told him so this morning. I said he gave her up when he didn't have anything to lose. (To this he argued that he had no choice and then I pointed out that he did make the choice and then he was like 'oh, yeah') So I know he is strong enough to give her up when he has EVERYTHING to lose.
Because I see how he looks at and talks about his Dad, who did something similar to his mom, though they stayed together throughout all of his many homosexual affairs. And he despises his father. It breaks my heart to think of our children looking at him that way. I think that hurts more than his betrayal of me.
Tonight we talked some more and it scared me. Because I think he is making up his mind to leave. Here's the thing. I can't let him do it. I know he loves me and our family. I know it. So what do I do? I can't give him a divorce. I really feel I cannot. Because he is going to wake up from his obsession and he needs to know that we are here for him.
Gosh, how did I become one of those women?! I told him always that he'd be so gone. But when it happened, I just felt so strongly that we are going to get through this one way or another. And no matter what...I know I have to do what I must for myself and my children. I must seek out our salvations and remain true to the covenants I made with or without him. And I know if I do those things we will be blessed for it.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way...the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B. Wirthlin November, 2008 Ensign.

Ok, so not so smart

I posted last night at around 1:30 or 2 am. Then climbed into bed and couldn't sleep. I fell asleep around 3:40 and woke up at 4:30. Couldn't sleep, but baby boy (1) needed comfort so I nursed him and then at around 5:30 got up to work out. What did I think would happen working out on only 40 or so minutes of sleep? Don't ask me. I guess I just felt like I had to be doing something.
Beloved reached out for me in his sleep. I know that he loves me. I know he is just really confused. And I know Satan is super happy, but I hope not for long.

I'm trying to keep the attitude that it is nothing I have done wrong. Because really, I don't know what I could have done differently, other than read the warning signs earlier. Or trusted in my instinct more than I trusted in Beloved's honor and integrity. . . which he always had so much of...
I am praying that he proves to be the man I know he is.

Oh gosh, I know I'm going to get hate mail...
Trust me, I would have sent myself hate mail, too. Well, before.

Friday, June 5, 2009

This is my beginning

At first I found it amazing how I could keep myself together so completely when I should have felt like my life was crashing down around me. To be truthful, at first I put it on myself. I told myself I was being so strong. I patted my little back that I didn't cry or scream or beg or give in to any other emotion other than quiet interest and patient love.
But, see, I know better now. I have had time to think about what happened tonight. And I know why when my husband of nearly 12 years, the man I am head-over-heels in love with, confessed to me that he is in love with someone else tonight, I didn't do any of the things I would have thought I would do. And do you know why? Because I felt God's love for me as my husband was telling me what should have torn me apart. And all I felt, with each wave of awfulness that came to light, was a gentle squeeze and a quiet voice speaking to my heart saying 'it's alright. everything's going to be alright.' And I could be patient and ask all the things I needed to draw Beloved out and get the answers I felt I needed.
Then, thankfully, the Spirit whispered to me that I couldn't do any more now, and so I told Beloved so. And we will talk more soon, once we get some help from our Bishop and (most likely) counseling.
OK, So why didn't I just tell him it was over? Sheesh, there are so many reasons. Number one, is I feel that I had been prepared by the Spirit that this was what was bothering my husband for so long. Honestly, I didn't believe that it could actually be that. But, I did have several strong promptings about it. And as I had been praying this week about how to help him and how to know when to talk to him and what to say and when to STOP talking (always a problem!) I felt very strongly that it was a good thing that Beloved is going through this now. That he needs to decide right now who he is.
He told me that she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. His first love and 'the only one that could do this to him'. He never told me about her, which I think was his first mistake. He locked her up in his heart, then asked God to take her out of it. Do you see the problem? For 18 years (so he says) he has been praying for God to remove her from his heart, but never opened the dang door. I think he felt too guilty for not being pure when we married, though he told me he was.
Well, she found him on facebook in February. He knew then that he should not 'friend' her, but he did. They began talking daily and im'ing on his cell phone. Then, he planned a trip out to San Francisco for business and fenagled a trip to see her, a few hours away. His plan was to tell her goodbye and to hash things out and be done with her (I don't know if he actually believes it or if he just told me that), but they kissed while he was there and he decided that he couldn't let her go.
He said some really hurtful things tonight, but never in a hurtful way. He didn't want to hurt me, I could tell. But he confessed that he felt that she was his soulmate, and all the things he had longed for had been found with her. That hurt because I had felt that we truly understood eachother and were always of one mind and heart.
This is what I think is going on: I think this is something that Satan has placed in his path a long time ago. And I think that we made some bad choices (not being completely open and communicative) that kept that sin or problem 'in play' so to speak. Then she came along again and that wheedler, that liar Satan began to build a little fire. And I think now it is like an addiction. He honestly thinks he cannot live without her. But I feel really strongly that he is being decieved. And deceiving himself.
And that is why I am not giving up on him. I made a covenant with him and with God 11 years, and 10 months ago. I'm sticking by my word, because, truly, I believe in him, even though right now he doesn't believe in himself.