I think I have cried more these last few hours than I have in an entire year.
I was so foolish last night. I thought that when he and I talked that he said something about trying to move on from this and me being OK knowing that I had him, but his heart was somewhere else. I thought he meant that he would continue 'loving' her even after he stopped contacting her. Yeah. Stupid me, I thought he was going to STOP contacting her. Today he explained that it wasn't going to happen. So I did something I never thought I would. I said, 'what if I'm not asking you to do that right now?'. I know, right? His face lit up. I could tell he was relieved aplenty. Why did I do that? I can't say, other than I felt like it was right not to pick that particular battle.
I did tell him, though, that if we are going to live like a family then we are going to act like a family. That means family prayer and scripture study like usual. I told him that he needs to feel close to Heavenly Father if he is going to make a decision and be assured it is the right one. Can you believe he is so confused...he actually thinks God might just want him to leave his family.
He told me this morning that he has never held back his love from me in 12 years of being together, but he can never love me the way he loves her. I told him I'm not asking him to. Because I know that what he feels for her isn't love. It truly is obsession. He cannot see anything else or care about anything else but being with her. He knows that if he leaves he'd be leaving behind his four children, and life and eternity with them (oh, and with me--whom he still loves the same as he always has--hello?!) for a few years with someone else. He doesn't even care that he knows that he'll be unhappy with the decision to leave...if he does...which I think he is leaning toward this evening after talking with her and finding out that she told her husband today.
He told me tonight that he went out there twice instead of just once. That really ticked me off. We are struggling financially but he sees fit to fly out there and get a hotel twice in a month? Really? Stinkin' facebook.
I felt really strongly (after I urged him to get onto facebook) that I needed to get him off. But I thought I was just being silly. Ladies, listen to your premonitions, or the Holy Spirit, or whatever you believe in. Just do it.
I left this morning to go to my best friend's house. I originally planned on going to Walmart with her, but couldn't leave once I got there. I collapsed. All that I had been feeling and scared of and angry about came out and it felt good. Because I can't kick him in the head or punch him in the temple like I want to. Somehow that just doesn't say "I'm willing to move on". Which I am. Because I know we can be stronger when we get on the other side of this blackness.
I haven't let him see me cry. I've been calm and the picture of beatific hope. Ok, maybe not so beatific and angelic...considering the puffy eyes from only 40 min. sleep last night and the crying jag I had at Amy's later.
Well, I didn't let him see me cry until I was just about to leave. I just was overwhelmed with the need to kiss him and hug him goodbye. So I did. And we held each other and cried like soldiers quaking from the carnage all around us. And that's what I feel like. So, I guess Pat Benatar was right. Love IS a battlefield. Or, maybe just this is...what is this? Infidelity. He's having an emotional affair that 'isn't going to stop', is what he told me today.
Honestly I feel like I'm in a dream. Because this can't be my life. If anyone could fail the other it would have been me. Never him. He is so good, and honorable...I just don't understand what has happened.
I know who he is. He just has forgotten and is in such a dark place. I pray that God sends him some LIGHT! I'm trying to reach out, but he needs so much more that only God can give!
I know he can let go of her. I told him so this morning. I said he gave her up when he didn't have anything to lose. (To this he argued that he had no choice and then I pointed out that he did make the choice and then he was like 'oh, yeah') So I know he is strong enough to give her up when he has EVERYTHING to lose.
Because I see how he looks at and talks about his Dad, who did something similar to his mom, though they stayed together throughout all of his many homosexual affairs. And he despises his father. It breaks my heart to think of our children looking at him that way. I think that hurts more than his betrayal of me.
Tonight we talked some more and it scared me. Because I think he is making up his mind to leave. Here's the thing. I can't let him do it. I know he loves me and our family. I know it. So what do I do? I can't give him a divorce. I really feel I cannot. Because he is going to wake up from his obsession and he needs to know that we are here for him.
Gosh, how did I become one of those women?! I told him always that he'd be so gone. But when it happened, I just felt so strongly that we are going to get through this one way or another. And no matter what...I know I have to do what I must for myself and my children. I must seek out our salvations and remain true to the covenants I made with or without him. And I know if I do those things we will be blessed for it.
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way...the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B. Wirthlin November, 2008 Ensign.
Twelve Days of Boots: Day 9 by The Pioneer Woman
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