Sunday, June 14, 2009

A few notes

First of all:

About the comments: Thank you ALL for the comments, both supportive and not-so-much. I love to read them. You can always email me, the link is there in my profile. Or right here: There have been some questions about my identity and such. So if you know me personally, I ask that you don't reveal Beloved's and my situation to others who know us as well. Those who don't know us personally, do whatever you like! ;)
Second of all:

In response to comments about that last post: I would LOVE to actually do something with that thing, but it is a work phone, provided by work and paid for by work. So I probably shouldn't throw it under a truck.

And I am glad you enjoyed my dance. I enjoyed it for the 3 seconds it took before I felt that response to it and decided it wasn't a good idea to tease Satan.

And no he has not been to see the Bishop. He says he knows that he'll just be told to stop talking to her and he doesn't want to do that. I know that is part of the truth, but let's face it. When one is doing wrong, one doesn't want to be TOLD what is right.

It's like when my niece was on drugs, she didn't want to hear that she was screwing up her life, flunking out of school, burning up her brain cells on everything she could find. She couldn't hear it and certainly didn't want to hear it. Because she knew what it was doing to her. She just cared more about how it made her feel to get her fix, than what it was doing to her.

This is like that. In a lot of ways.

And I worry about him so much. I can't even worry about anything else.
He is so hard on himself.

It makes me think: For a long time (I'm talking years) he would get down on himself for some small, teeny-tiny failing and say that he is 'just like his dad'. I'm afraid it is like the self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, you tell yourself something for so long that you are MAKING it be true. When it doesn't have to be.

See, I don't think he realizes that he is a different person.
He is a good father. His dad wasn't.
He makes sure his wife feels loved. His dad didn't.
He makes sure to spend time with all his family. His dad kept to himself for the most part.
etc., etc.

The great thing about NOT being the same person, is:

Beloved can choose to be who he wants to be!

He can choose to be like his Dad and give up all that he believes in and holds dear (as well as those who love him and hold him dear), OR he can choose to be the man God--and I--know him to be.

The thing is, being that person isn't instantaneous. It takes time, but with his guilt having hung over his head for so long, how could he ever become that man?

This is such a good thing for him to deal with right now.
I just need to have patience.
I have enough faith in him.
I know he has the strength.

I think right now he needs to have just the Hope that things can get better. And the desire to step away from the fog that is surrounding his mind and heart.

So often I see him and I wish I could just grab him and soak up all those awful feelings that are keeping him down and just give him whatever it is he needs to get back up again. But I am realizing that he needs to do it for himself.

Which sucks.


MiMi said...

That does suck, when you know that you want to help, but you can't!
And people should never underestimate the power of the self fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately, in some cases, it's easy to fall into it. : (

DirknRory said...

I like your insight about the self-fulfilling prophecy. I think there is a lot of truth to that, and I also think that the Lord knows each of us and knows what we can withstand. You are right to not give up hope or faith or belief in Beloved because well, the Lord's not going to either...ever! He's always right there, waiting for us to come back into His arms. There's no better feeling than knowing that HE will never leave us. We can only leave HIM. And I must say it again so you don't forget: YOU'RE AMAZING! Love you!

The Johnson Family said...

Ditto to the YOU ARE AMAZING!! What a loving person you are! I can't imagine how it must be for you. Talk about mixed signals! He loves you so much, but won't get rid of her? You totally need to talk to your bishop, so that you can receive the spiritual guidance and strength that you need! Have you asked for a blessing? Maybe he needs one too?
The Lord's not going to give up on you and neither are we. I look forward to updates on how things are going with you and your family. You inspire us all. Remember that this too shall pass, even if it feels like a kidney stone!

Est. said...

You are so wise! Thanks for the great insights! I would go crazy trying to find and read every text and go online to t-mobile and look at the call history. Okay, I've had some experience, but not with my husband, a past ex-fiance who was bad news. And also very computer illiterate (duh, you CAN delete past emails!). Hubby seems very computer literate, dang!

Anonymous said...

Did you ever think that this whole blog, though a nice way to vent, is in fact a very real form of your own "covenant breaking"?!? You promised to be faithful to him... and though he hasn't done the same for you, it doesn't make it right... not so much in line with that whole "turn the other cheek" concept, ya know. You should blog in a written book... because there are a lot of people reading this that know who you are, no matter how anon the blog is... and that fact means that you are publicly defaming your 'Beloved'... so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows... or at least all the people closest to him... You are digging your own grave, sistah. I'd stop while I was ahead if I was you. you are very much ironic. just like the pharasies. gotta love them Utah (Colorado) Mormons!

Malisa said...

Covenant breaking? Wow, anon. Those are harsh words. I actually think she has spoken of Beloved quite respectfully - more that most of us could do. And sharing can be theraputic. Blogging about it is possibly not the choice many would make, but it might be best not to judge her decisions.