First of all:
About the comments: Thank you ALL for the comments, both supportive and not-so-much. I love to read them. You can always email me, the link is there in my profile. Or right here: firstname.lastname@example.org There have been some questions about my identity and such. So if you know me personally, I ask that you don't reveal Beloved's and my situation to others who know us as well. Those who don't know us personally, do whatever you like! ;)
Second of all:
In response to comments about that last post: I would LOVE to actually do something with that thing, but it is a work phone, provided by work and paid for by work. So I probably shouldn't throw it under a truck.
And I am glad you enjoyed my dance. I enjoyed it for the 3 seconds it took before I felt that response to it and decided it wasn't a good idea to tease Satan.
And no he has not been to see the Bishop. He says he knows that he'll just be told to stop talking to her and he doesn't want to do that. I know that is part of the truth, but let's face it. When one is doing wrong, one doesn't want to be TOLD what is right.
It's like when my niece was on drugs, she didn't want to hear that she was screwing up her life, flunking out of school, burning up her brain cells on everything she could find. She couldn't hear it and certainly didn't want to hear it. Because she knew what it was doing to her. She just cared more about how it made her feel to get her fix, than what it was doing to her.
This is like that. In a lot of ways.
And I worry about him so much. I can't even worry about anything else.
He is so hard on himself.
It makes me think: For a long time (I'm talking years) he would get down on himself for some small, teeny-tiny failing and say that he is 'just like his dad'. I'm afraid it is like the self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, you tell yourself something for so long that you are MAKING it be true. When it doesn't have to be.
See, I don't think he realizes that he is a different person.
He is a good father. His dad wasn't.
He makes sure his wife feels loved. His dad didn't.
He makes sure to spend time with all his family. His dad kept to himself for the most part.
The great thing about NOT being the same person, is:
Beloved can choose to be who he wants to be!
He can choose to be like his Dad and give up all that he believes in and holds dear (as well as those who love him and hold him dear), OR he can choose to be the man God--and I--know him to be.
The thing is, being that person isn't instantaneous. It takes time, but with his guilt having hung over his head for so long, how could he ever become that man?
This is such a good thing for him to deal with right now.
I just need to have patience.
I have enough faith in him.
I know he has the strength.
I think right now he needs to have just the Hope that things can get better. And the desire to step away from the fog that is surrounding his mind and heart.
So often I see him and I wish I could just grab him and soak up all those awful feelings that are keeping him down and just give him whatever it is he needs to get back up again. But I am realizing that he needs to do it for himself.