Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How to Save a Drowning Man and other things...

Please Note: This post is educational as well as...whatever else it usually is...

I feel I need to make a confession here, today:

I am not perfect.

I know, I know. I can hear all of you out there gasping with shock. I'll wait while you get yourselves a paper bag and regain your composure.


Ok, so allow me to continue:

Example 1: Beloved and I were talking Saturday, and I remembered a little lie that I believed and it just got under my skin. And I let it fester there. I know. I'm not proud of it, but it is true. And then I nursed that festering wound instead of praying it away like I had been doing until then. I know...

So by bedtime, my mind was so unsettled, that instead of doing what I told myself--and God--I would do...(that I would only try to talk to him about our situation when I felt the Spirit prompting me to do so.) I went ahead and talked. It didn't go well. And I felt awful. I nagged. I did. I nagged him to go to church Sunday for the whole service. I'm not proud of it.
I know why I did it.

And I as I told a certain smartest-woman-in-the-world in an email, Sometimes I just feel like I'm trying to save a drowning man who keeps throwing the blasted float-on-a-rope back.

And then I thought about it and, you know, that's kind of like the the Savior. We can lead people to Christ, but we can't make them partake of His sacrament or His Atonement and forgiveness. We can only offer it to them.

Then I found this article online. It explains that jumping into the water to save someone is the WORST way to do it, and why. So, in the spirit of learning and summer and metaphors, I'll summarize for you:
Reason#1- A conscious drowning victim is most likely panicking. It is amazing the strength a panicked person will have.In their swinging and struggling, you are likely to get knocked out. (amen, brother!)
Reason #2- The victim's fight for survival may make you a victim.For some strange reason, when a person is drowning, he often does not recognize that you are trying to help him. (right!)The victim will use any and all means to propel his body to the surface, which may mean pushing you down to push themselves up.
Drowning Rescue Step One- Decide if the person is within an arms distance of you. Lie down and scoot as close to the edge of the pool as possible, while still maintaining leverage. Reach out to the person while yelling, "Grab my hand!" It may take a few seconds, so don't panic if they don't hear you or see your hand right away. If they are within reach, they will most likely see it eventually. (Reach out to them, and let them know it!)
Drowning Rescue Step Two- Find something long that the person can grab on to. Repeat step one (lay down and reach), but this time, hold tight onto the pole. (Couldn't help thinking about faith, hope, God as being the something to hold onto)
So, there. Hope you learned something about Water Safety!

Example 2: Beloved found this blog and read some of it. And to be honest, my emotions were mixed. My first instinct was to be angry, then I felt sorry for him, because it hurt his feelings to read some people's opinions of him. Then I got irritated again and let him know it. And I'm not happy I did.

I told him that I didn't think it was very fair that he gets to read and know all my thoughts, all my feelings about this, and he doesn't even tell me one. And he goes and calls Shannon and tells her everything and he doesn't owe her crap. I know. On some level, it felt good to finally say something snarky, but I didn't like the way I handled it.

And as I thought on it more I realized, I don't care if he reads this. He is my h-u-s-b-a-n-d. He has every right to know my thoughts and feelings and concerns. Especially about this.

I decided that I'm going to take a few days off of blogging. Well, at least of publishing them. I told him I'd stop, but he said I needed to have an outlet and support. But, if he is embarrassed or hurt by the things I am posting...well, I just can't be the thing that hurts him more.
Does that make sense? Well, I hope it does. So, give me a few days to decide what I'm going to do.

I'll post again on Thursday.


MiMi said...

I wondered if your husband would find your blog and read it. It's better to read it probably, though, than if you were hammering it out on a daily basis, and going nuts. Sometimes talking face to face can make the hurts and slights come to the surface and make things worse.
I respect whatever it is you are going to do. Thank you for sharing your journey thus far.
And I really hope I didn't say anthing bad about him...I don't think I did...?
And also: I thought I was the smartest person in the world...ah well.
: )

Housewife Savant said...

Honey, as the Smartest Woman in the...(well, you know) I gotta remind you that the struggles of a drowning man are his attempts to LIVE, however unreasonable his panic may make him.
The DM knows he needs rescue.
Leave the pole there. Get some air and give your arms a break.
I'll be gone (Shart for me - read post) and I'll catch up after the weekend.

The Johnson Family said...

I think it's good that he read the blog. Maybe it will knock some sense into him. If he leaves he will be making the biggest mistake (and obviously he's made several big ones thus far) of his life.
I was just talking to a friend who's been struggling with her marriage as well, although a bit different of circumstances. She doesn't feel in love with her husband any longer and would leave, but they have a daughter together. Her and her husband have gone to counseling and have decided that they both made the CHOICE to marry eachother. No one forced them to. They were in love at one point and wanted to be married forever and then brought a child into their family. So even though they are struggling and would sometimes rather give up and leave, they are going to stay together. She said that they respect eachother, like eachother and love one another and are going to make it work for the sake of their daughter and future children.
I think that is a very selfless thing to do. Your children didn't ask to be born into this mess, that has been brought on by Beloved. It is up to him now, to step up, be a REAL man and honor his commitment to himself, his wife, his children and GOD. He knows the principles of the gospel. He knows the consequences for what he is doing. Satan is working his power on him and Shannon. My heart breaks for all of the poor children who are now effected by Beloved and Shannon's selfish and immature behavior. I hope he reads your blog and gets a wake-up call. He is going to be miserable like unto Satan if he doesn't stop what he is doing. I know this has to be tremendously hard for you and my heart goes out to you. I pray that you will be strong and I know that God's power is so much stronger than Satan's. Beloved just make the choice to cling to the Savior's life preserver and not Satan's chain.

carma said...

Stopping by to say hi and welcome you to SITS. I know that you will enjoy being a part of this vibrant community of bloggers..

DirknRory said...

Gigi, You are awesome and you need to do what's right for YOU. I wholeheartedly support your idea of taking a few days off to reevaluate and redecide what you should do, but know that many people have already been very inspired by YOU and your candor and no-nonsense approach to all of this. It's not easy to share your innermost thoughts, especially when it's related to something as tragic as this, but your insights are compelling and uplifting and you have a great light to share with the world! Love you!

mama-face said...

hugs. you know that, right?

Est. said...


I know this is a long comment, but I read this in the newspaper a while back and thought of your Beloved. I hope it helps! I also wanted to recomend some of my favorite marriage books and they come highly recommeded by Marriage Councelors. One is "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell. I've read it 3 times and make it a goal to read yearly. The other is "The Love Dare" You can find it at most Walmarts, but it basically has steps to help you fall in love with your spouse again. (I know your not the one needing it, but I might still help). I haven't read it, but I did see a movie that tells about called "Fireproof" (it stars a fav 90's hunk Kirk Cameron!) I don't feel like I'm in any position to give advice, but I admire you, your determination, and your strength. Your're in my prayers!
(the article follows)

Dear Abby: The Other Woman regrets marrying man she cheated with
By Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "The Other Woman, Anywhere, USA." Please tell your readers if they find themselves in her shoes, they should RUN in the opposite direction.
My husband, "John," and I both left our spouses to be together. It has been 10 years, and I regret leaving my ex-husband every day. I traded a wonderful marriage for an obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant man.

John paid for his daughter's wedding reception with money from our joint account. John went alone. I was "forbidden" to attend.

My "soul mate" usually forgets my birthday, and one year he also "forgot" Christmas. If only I could turn back time. I find myself praying for the end of time and realize I'm probably getting what I deserve.

- Living With Regret

DEAR LIVING: You letter is a reminder that there is dignity in being alone and filling one's "down time" with good friends and helping the less fortunate. As I expected, "Other Woman's" letter generated a ton of mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "The Other Woman" was 100 percent right on. I was once in love with a married woman and won her heart. I thought, "All's fair in love and war," and had little regard for her husband. Then I met him.

When I looked into his eyes, I knew what I was doing was wrong and bad karma. Here was a human being with a soul, who loved and trusted his wife, who was true to his marriage vows and trusted her to be true, too. Spiritually, it was an important and painful lesson.

My advice to married people having an affair is to ask yourselves how you would feel if you were being cheated on. Do the right thing. Honesty and integrity matter.

- Former Other Man, Anywhere, USA

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman for six years. It has taken me a year to realize how unhealthy the relationship was for me. Not only did it damage my self-esteem, but the guilt became unbearable. I wish I could go back and undo what I have done. Luckily, I now have someone who cares about me and accepts me - flaws and all - and loves me for who I am all the time, not just one or two hours a week.

- Wiser Now in Virginia

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman. Over time I have come to understand that I believed what I wanted to believe because I was lonely, needy and vulnerable. I learned as time went on that my lover was incapable of developing a mature, responsible and meaningful relationship. I experienced the calamitous consequences emotionally, psychologically and financially - as did our child.

Through counseling, friendships and networking with other women and getting to know myself in a rigorously honest way, I became too healthy to be the other woman. I'm now in the marriage I always dreamed of to a man with character and heart, who is devoted to me and "our" child. I learned that the right man would find me when I became the person he was looking for. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

- Finally Fulfilled

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter from "The Other Woman" and your reply. I have been divorced 12 years and involved with a married man for more than a year. The affair has been lonely, degrading, unfulfilling and a real self-esteem buster.

The Johnson Family said...

I thought about you while I was listening to Dr. laura today. She gave some great advice. Maybe go online and listen to her show today. I wish you and Beloved could call in together!

sandy said...

I stopped by to welcome you to SITS! It's great to have you in the SITStahood!

Noah's Mommy said...

WElcome to SITS.....I hope things all work out for you...at least the good thing about blogging...is it can be anonymous....

greedygrace said...

I've enjoyed reading your blog-- your inner turmoil is heartbreaking.

I came by to welcome you to SITS! We're happy to have you with us!

The Johnson Family said...

Looking forward to your next post! Hope and pray all is well.

Martha said...

Here from SITS, you have tremendous insight. Please take care of yourself, you sound so special. Sending you healing and peace.