Friday, June 12, 2009

On my mind

How is it possible to hate an inanimate object so much? I tell you what, Beloved has a TMobile Wing. Oh my gosh. I just uploaded the image onto the blogger page. And my stomach just lurched...

I have such a visceral reaction whenever I see that thing. I know IT isn't the source of our problems, but it is what he uses to IM her and text or call her (when he isn't at work--there he skypes her). Truly, I have to talk myself through walking past it, or choosing not to notice it. Because my immediate response is to snap it into pieces and chuck it under a truck.

Beloved has it with him ALL the time. Months ago he would take that thing off as soon as he came home. I noticed that he was always with it and checking it before, but now. Ugh. He is compulsively checking it, touching it, etc. I don't think he realizes he is doing it, either. He thinks he is being so 'respectful' to me by 'not doing it in front of me'. But he just happens to need to run out to the garage for a while and come back with nothing but his phone. And he just 'has to check an email from his boss'. And he checks and re-checks it before bed. And then checks it as soon as he gets up.

Now, anyone can see that he can't make any clear-headed decisions with that thing...and Shannon...always within a finger's reach. But, I think he knows that. He doesn't want to make any clear-headed decisions. He knows what is right. He just doesn't feel like doing it right now.

It saddens me all the more, because he holds onto that thing like it is a lifeline, instead of the flaxen cord that it is.

I was thinking about him yesterday. Satan, I mean. And how he leads us around with that flaxen cord that starts out sooo light, and sooo fine that it almost invisible until it becomes a giant rope around our necks.

And I got mad and I said, "Stupid Satan!" And then, because I'm a little bit perverse, I did a little dance and sang "I have a bod-y and you-u do-on't!". But just as quickly I imagined his response, as he shakes his own tush and sings "I've got your hus-band and you-u do-on't!"

But, I pray he doesn't have him for long.

Seriously, people. He, and good, and loving, and...worth fighting for.

Our children are worth fighting for.

What we have/had is WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

We have


and truth

and God on our side.

The family is ordained of God. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) Anything that would tear you away can only be of Satan.

I just, don't know how to help him see what he has known all of his life.


DirknRory said...

I loved your post! So true! And I especially like your "Satan doesn't have a body" dance! I can totally see YOU doing that! You are such a light in your family's life to be able to keep a sense of humor through the hell you are living. Read May 2009 Ensign pg. 75. I thought about your husband tonight when I read it.

MiMi said...

Satan doesn't have a body, dance? I've never heard that one, and even though I don't know you, I can just imagine a woman dancing to funny!
But the rest of it is sad...maybe you should go and run over that phone! Might feel good...?

The Johnson Family said...

I would totally turn the service off and say we need to save the money! Or hide it, throw it off the roof on accident, or anything!! I can't believe you are so tolerant. Has he talked with the bishop yet? I'm sure that's going to be one of the first thing the bishop tells him to do. Cut-off all contact with that horrible woman!
My aunt had an affair for years. Her last bishop said that even though you think this man is your best friend, he isn't and can't be. You need to email or call him and tell him that you are stopping ALL contact and to never call, write, email, etc. ever again. Once she did that she saw the windows of heaven bless her life.
Oh I just want to smack that man upside the head and make him see what he is doing to his family!!!
The best advice we had when we got married was, "Don't ever think of divorce as an option. You both have made this eternal covenant willingly and you are in it forever!" When times are tough, it help me keep it all in perspective.
You have all of our support and I hope he comes around!

mama-face said...

maybe you should jam up his phone with messages from you. Messages that mimic the wisdom you have shown here. You know I love him too; what is he thinking? Has he been communicating with anyone besides ykw?

Or run over it like others have recommended.

love you gigi.

mama-face said...

gigi, how open do you want to be? You know what I mean. maybe shoot me off an email or a comment or something. :-) things come up in conversations; and i'm not quite sure what or how much or if anything to say.

i'm off to satan dance now.

wonder woman said...

love the dance.

satan will NOT have your Beloved forever.