Sunday was a very good day. I had church hymns on the entire day as we got up, ate breakfast, etc. Baby Girl ( 4 ) sat beside Beloved as he prepared his lesson for the ward missionary class. --Now I think I need to interject here that the night before the children and I prayed for Beloved, because he was out driving and I asked that he would see the temple and remember his covenants-- So, E said to him "Why do you have to go to the temple?" And he said, "yes, I do have to go to the temple." And she said, "What will you find there?" And he said "Well, we go to the temple to get married and we make covenants and we learn about God and... " I didn't hear the rest because Big Boy (10) asked a question. Then a few minutes later Beloved left the room. I went to ask him a question a few minutes later and he had been crying. Embarrassed, he shrugged me off and walked away. OK. So, I say embarrassed. Maybe he was angry at the thought that he had made a covenant with me. I don't know.
But he had a meeting to go to (he came home late, so I am pretty sure he called her before coming home, but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt...well, but I'm not stupid) and then came home. We all just relaxed until time to go to church.
It was testimony meeting and I got up to bear my testimony. I made sure he didn't have an excuse not to listen. I asked my friend (who conveniently sat in front of us) to hold Baby Boy while I did so....actually she made sure to ask for him as soon as people started getting up to bear testimony. Anyway, I got up and just felt like I needed to publicly thank Heavenly Father for His love and for Our Savior's atoning sacrifice. I testified that he paid the price for us, he suffered and he bled and he died for us so we don't have to go through that pain. All that fear we have is all in our heads. And that I know that He can change us and there isn't anything we can't change and be forgiven for. All we have to do is want to change and he can reach out and help us. Then I talked about John 14:18 "I will not leave thee comfortless; I will come to you" and told about how I was comforted that awful night and then I really felt that I needed to thank Heavenly Father for my children and husband and that they teach me so much every day and that Beloved has taught me so much especially when I am struggling to understand something or a principle and he guides me to find an answer. And I testified that Beloved is just the most honorable wonderful man I know and that he never believes me when I say it, but it is true. And I closed my testimony and sat down.
I had cried for a lot of it, so I sat down and then couldn't stay in the room. I had to get out and breathe or something. I came back in a few minutes later and continued as regularly scheduled. :)
I got a lot of people thanking me for my testimony and asking what was the matter and what they could do. To most people I just said, "oh, just pray for us, and especially for Beloved that he can feel the Spirit and know what is right and what to do." But I did tell 4 people.
Then as I was in the hallway the Bishop came down the hall and shook my hand and looked me in the eye (which I was trying to avoid) and asked if there was anything he could do. Well, I lost it all over again. I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but then said I'd follow him to his office becuase I couldn't stop crying.
Once in his office I just couldn't talk about it. I really felt a strong feeling like, "It's not time yet." So I told him I needed to carry this a little bit longer.
A big part of it is that Beloved needs to have access to the Spirit if he is going to be strong enough to change. And if the Bishop has to call him in after I confess our problems, then his punishment will be pretty severe. Definitely disfellowship for what he has done...or what he has told me he has done, at least. And I am just not ready to do that to him.
Well, I got a feeling between Sunday School and the third hour of church that he was out in the car. So I walked out there and caught him texting her. I told him that he needed to do what he promised and go to church. He told me he was just coming out to drop something off and then he was coming back in. I don't think so, but whatever. He followed me in and stopped me in the hall. We talked for a minute and I felt a little better.
I told him "I know you think the soul-crushing news is that you are in love with someone else, but I don't care about that"
"How can you not?!"
"Just, because I don't, ok? The soul-crushing thing is that you are willing to leave our children"
He was like, "What? I never said that. I know it may lead to that, but I couldn't leave the kids."
That gave me a sense of relief.
But what really made my day better, as perverse as this sounds, was that when I told 2 different people about what was happening in my life one told me that she had been through this herself, and another told me that there are so many people in our stake that have gone through this and gotten better.
I decided I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore for the day, so I didn't. We just had a peaceful afternoon. It was much better than Saturday...that was such a mess of a day. Both of us exhausted and walking on eggshells. Ugh.
Twelve Days of Boots: Day 9 by The Pioneer Woman
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