At first I found it amazing how I could keep myself together so completely when I should have felt like my life was crashing down around me. To be truthful, at first I put it on myself. I told myself I was being so strong. I patted my little back that I didn't cry or scream or beg or give in to any other emotion other than quiet interest and patient love.
But, see, I know better now. I have had time to think about what happened tonight. And I know why when my husband of nearly 12 years, the man I am head-over-heels in love with, confessed to me that he is in love with someone else tonight, I didn't do any of the things I would have thought I would do. And do you know why? Because I felt God's love for me as my husband was telling me what should have torn me apart. And all I felt, with each wave of awfulness that came to light, was a gentle squeeze and a quiet voice speaking to my heart saying 'it's alright. everything's going to be alright.' And I could be patient and ask all the things I needed to draw Beloved out and get the answers I felt I needed.
Then, thankfully, the Spirit whispered to me that I couldn't do any more now, and so I told Beloved so. And we will talk more soon, once we get some help from our Bishop and (most likely) counseling.
OK, So why didn't I just tell him it was over? Sheesh, there are so many reasons. Number one, is I feel that I had been prepared by the Spirit that this was what was bothering my husband for so long. Honestly, I didn't believe that it could actually be that. But, I did have several strong promptings about it. And as I had been praying this week about how to help him and how to know when to talk to him and what to say and when to STOP talking (always a problem!) I felt very strongly that it was a good thing that Beloved is going through this now. That he needs to decide right now who he is.
He told me that she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. His first love and 'the only one that could do this to him'. He never told me about her, which I think was his first mistake. He locked her up in his heart, then asked God to take her out of it. Do you see the problem? For 18 years (so he says) he has been praying for God to remove her from his heart, but never opened the dang door. I think he felt too guilty for not being pure when we married, though he told me he was.
Well, she found him on facebook in February. He knew then that he should not 'friend' her, but he did. They began talking daily and im'ing on his cell phone. Then, he planned a trip out to San Francisco for business and fenagled a trip to see her, a few hours away. His plan was to tell her goodbye and to hash things out and be done with her (I don't know if he actually believes it or if he just told me that), but they kissed while he was there and he decided that he couldn't let her go.
He said some really hurtful things tonight, but never in a hurtful way. He didn't want to hurt me, I could tell. But he confessed that he felt that she was his soulmate, and all the things he had longed for had been found with her. That hurt because I had felt that we truly understood eachother and were always of one mind and heart.
This is what I think is going on: I think this is something that Satan has placed in his path a long time ago. And I think that we made some bad choices (not being completely open and communicative) that kept that sin or problem 'in play' so to speak. Then she came along again and that wheedler, that liar Satan began to build a little fire. And I think now it is like an addiction. He honestly thinks he cannot live without her. But I feel really strongly that he is being decieved. And deceiving himself.
And that is why I am not giving up on him. I made a covenant with him and with God 11 years, and 10 months ago. I'm sticking by my word, because, truly, I believe in him, even though right now he doesn't believe in himself.
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