Friday, June 5, 2009

This is my beginning

At first I found it amazing how I could keep myself together so completely when I should have felt like my life was crashing down around me. To be truthful, at first I put it on myself. I told myself I was being so strong. I patted my little back that I didn't cry or scream or beg or give in to any other emotion other than quiet interest and patient love.
But, see, I know better now. I have had time to think about what happened tonight. And I know why when my husband of nearly 12 years, the man I am head-over-heels in love with, confessed to me that he is in love with someone else tonight, I didn't do any of the things I would have thought I would do. And do you know why? Because I felt God's love for me as my husband was telling me what should have torn me apart. And all I felt, with each wave of awfulness that came to light, was a gentle squeeze and a quiet voice speaking to my heart saying 'it's alright. everything's going to be alright.' And I could be patient and ask all the things I needed to draw Beloved out and get the answers I felt I needed.
Then, thankfully, the Spirit whispered to me that I couldn't do any more now, and so I told Beloved so. And we will talk more soon, once we get some help from our Bishop and (most likely) counseling.
OK, So why didn't I just tell him it was over? Sheesh, there are so many reasons. Number one, is I feel that I had been prepared by the Spirit that this was what was bothering my husband for so long. Honestly, I didn't believe that it could actually be that. But, I did have several strong promptings about it. And as I had been praying this week about how to help him and how to know when to talk to him and what to say and when to STOP talking (always a problem!) I felt very strongly that it was a good thing that Beloved is going through this now. That he needs to decide right now who he is.
He told me that she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. His first love and 'the only one that could do this to him'. He never told me about her, which I think was his first mistake. He locked her up in his heart, then asked God to take her out of it. Do you see the problem? For 18 years (so he says) he has been praying for God to remove her from his heart, but never opened the dang door. I think he felt too guilty for not being pure when we married, though he told me he was.
Well, she found him on facebook in February. He knew then that he should not 'friend' her, but he did. They began talking daily and im'ing on his cell phone. Then, he planned a trip out to San Francisco for business and fenagled a trip to see her, a few hours away. His plan was to tell her goodbye and to hash things out and be done with her (I don't know if he actually believes it or if he just told me that), but they kissed while he was there and he decided that he couldn't let her go.
He said some really hurtful things tonight, but never in a hurtful way. He didn't want to hurt me, I could tell. But he confessed that he felt that she was his soulmate, and all the things he had longed for had been found with her. That hurt because I had felt that we truly understood eachother and were always of one mind and heart.
This is what I think is going on: I think this is something that Satan has placed in his path a long time ago. And I think that we made some bad choices (not being completely open and communicative) that kept that sin or problem 'in play' so to speak. Then she came along again and that wheedler, that liar Satan began to build a little fire. And I think now it is like an addiction. He honestly thinks he cannot live without her. But I feel really strongly that he is being decieved. And deceiving himself.
And that is why I am not giving up on him. I made a covenant with him and with God 11 years, and 10 months ago. I'm sticking by my word, because, truly, I believe in him, even though right now he doesn't believe in himself.

14 comments:

OceanDreams said...

Wow, my heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you, even though I have no idea where you are or who you are. All I know that you must be going through a lot of pain. I admire your strength and continue to trust in God, the one who loves you more than you will ever know. I hope your husband realized that satan is deceiving him. I will be praying that you continue your strength and that everything will turn out ok. Thanks for your honest and heartbreaking blog. Take care of yourself sweetie!

OceanDreams said...

Oh, and welcome to SITS. Please stop by my blog if you want to smile an want a little bit of inspiration.

Kathy said...

Oh Man Gigi-I am so sorry. I had a freindship fall apart recently and have been crying about it EVERY day for almost a year. It si always in theabck of my mind. ANd here, you have a MARRIAGE. That has to hurt 100 times worse. I understnad that its not just a relationship to a man. You both made a convenant. There is so much more involved. I am so sorry.

DirknRory said...

you're amazing! I am and always will be your number one fan, gigi!

Housewife Savant said...

I've read some posts where I don't know what. To. Say.
This is one of them.
But I'm following you, and I'll be reading to catch up, and praying.

Cat said...

Gigi,
Thanks for sharing your feelings and experience through your post. I love you and will do whatever it takes to help you out...even make silly jokes :)
xoxo

MochaTrina said...

Gigi,
That would have torn me apart. That just means I need to strengthen my relationship with God. I had the rug pulled from under me a few years ago and I don't think I have pulled it together since. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

Vivienne said...

Wow. I am speechless. Your determination and quiet strength are admirable. I'll say a prayer for you.

♥ Braja said...

You're a jewel....

Karen said...

For the past month, I've been trying to get over a break up. There was no infidelity involved, no fighting, and I thought we were happy. And then one day, I got an email where he told me he was unhappy and thought he'd be happier if he found someone else.

It comes nowhere near what you are going through, I know. But I just can't help but wonder why it seems that some people look to the promise of someone else, rather than happily accepting what the Lord has already given them.

Mango Girl said...

You are a very strong woman.

Jeanne said...

We come from very different worlds, but I've been where you are, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

jinksy said...

I believe a most important lesson is to learn how to 'love and let go'. Love's chains are never a solution. It's love's choices that count.

Mandie said...

Wow I couldnt agree more with JINKSY. I dont understand why anyone (including my own parents) would stay in a relationship like this. For one, I give you incredible kudos for your reaction and logical "thinking-through" and even your hubby kudos for actually talking to you honestly. [finally]

But I really cant come to understand why you would stay in something like this. It seems so "ritualistic" when there could be a whole 'nother world of better connection outside. I understand everyone is entitled to their religious beliefs regarding marriage/divorce and commend you for sticking with them. Your stronger than I am I guess....because:

I had to just let it go after a similar but not-so-smooth experience(and my ex-hub was LDS). Do I regret it?

not. one. bit.

I wish my mother could understand and move on as well, but to each their own.....


good luck :)