Thursday, July 30, 2009

clarification of the letter

I actually did email this to him tonight.

And the 'what we discussed' at the end of the letter was the reason that I called him in the first place tonight: He texted me and said he wanted to talk to his kids. I could point out that he said his kids, but I won't ;) Oh, and the fact that he only texted and never bothered to call his kids. Though he says he called and left a message a few days ago. Seriously, that phone is almost always on me, and if not, I check it maybe some would say compulsively. So, NO. You didn't call, Beloved. Tell yourself whatever you want to. Can you tell that the texting thing really irks me?

I feel that he wants to know what it is like to live without his kids (his words, not mine) and I'm giving it to him. Not forever. For a few days/weeks.

He already decided that living without them is worth seeing Shannon in California this last weekend. Because he went. And I clearly explained his choices before I left. He doesn't seem to remember. Right.

Anyway. There is my quick clarification in case there were questions. ANy others? I'll be commenting on comments and answering questions in my next post...or not. See, you never know with me. I still haven't finished telling the story of what happened on our first holiday (again, that was for you, S!).

An Open Letter to Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I feel like lately when we talk you hear only parts of what I am saying and jump to the conclusion that you understand everything fully.

I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

First of all:
I do not hate you. I repeat. I do NOT hate you. So stop telling me that I do. And stop telling yourself that I do. Because I don't feel that way at all.
I love you. I am very sad for you. I am worried about you. I am disappointed in the choices you are making.

I am not keeping our children from you forever. You need time to think about what you want and I need time to breathe. I am giving us that.
Of course, you aren't taking advantage of it in a productive way, but I cannot make you cease contact with Sh___ so that you can think through your options in even a semi-clearheaded state.

You seem determined to do this the hard way, and to make your decisions armed with a foggy brain and hardened heart. I cannot change that.
Only you can.
And you so obviously do not want to.

You said something that bothered me tonight. (Which, to be honest is the reason that I got up out of bed to type this email.)

You said you deserve pain and misery, etc.

That is simply not true. Now...there ARE consequences to your current (and, if you continue...) choices which WILL result in pain, misery, loneliness, self-loathing, etc.
But you do not deserve those things.
Your actions WILL warrant them, and, by choosing the sins, you ARE choosing the consequences.

But YOU...

You, Beloved's Full Name--YOU deserve so much better.

YOU deserve so much more than you are willing to give yourself right now--Than you are choosing for yourself and your family.

Your Father in Heaven wants to give it to you.
Stop being so hell-bent (ha ha! pun intended) on turning away from Him.

I'll think about what we discussed. I'm praying about it, too. I'll let you know what I decide when I decide it.
You have some decisions to make, too. Maybe you should talk to Bishop, while you are at it. As for the blessing Grandpa gave you. Maybe it is time you started listening to it.

Again, LOVE you. NOT hate you. Seriously. Don't you know me?


Monday, July 27, 2009

Of Bridges and Wings and Cheaters (Yeah, you heard me!)

Well, I leaped.

I took my kids and packed up and went to visit some family and friends for a few days. Without telling Beloved. I'm still not home.

It isn't that I won't be going back home. I will. Because I need to start my life already. If it is without Beloved or with him, my kids need a sense of normalcy that only home and school and church and friends can provide them. It is the day to day life that my kids need. I'll give it to them again soon. I just need a little more time to breathe.

So, why would I get the heck out of Dodge when I have been standing by Beloved so staunchly up till now?

Well, it all started while we were on vacation visiting family 2 weeks ago. Gosh, it feels like it was a month ago. Time seems to go so slowly for me somedays.

As I was saying...

While we were on holiday (that's for you, S!), I got into Beloved's phone and read the texts between he and Shannon. There's actually a lot more to this story, but I'll post that another time...maybe.

One of the posts said, 'yes, I can't wait to see you! 13 more days!!'

And I was like, WHAT?!--ok, that was supposed to sound about 2 octaves higher than normal. Just so you know.

And I questioned him about it and he said that she has a softball tournament down in LA and he was going to say that he had a job interview there and go. Now, this just goes to show you how little he knows about me right now because I would SO have looked into that claim and he would have been told to not bother coming back once I realized it was a lie. It actually is what I did tell him. If you go, you won't have a family when you come back. You will not be welcome in our home. I said it calmly (One of the few calm things said that day. It was a BAD day.)

And then made my plans to get away so I didn't have to sit around at home wondering what he would choose.

So when we got home from our trip, I washed clothes and repacked them. I reorganized the travel gear and packed up on Monday. Tuesday I got up, got the kids ready, had a babysitter come and help me pack lunches and the car (I had to take Baby Boy to a doctor's app't so the babysitter was already there) and drove away.

I will admit, I did hope that coming home to find his family gone would be shocking. Was it?


I will admit that I did hope that it would help him realize that his family life that he thinks he can hold onto while living this other life is precious and fragile. Did it?


I will admit that I did hope it would make him think twice about going out on the 25th to be with her. Did it?


So there we are. He is now in LA at some softball tournament (she's a coach--and a middle school PE teacher). He is supposed to fly home on Tuesday morning. Funny how he said weeks ago that work told him he couldn't take ANY time off in the end of July, but somehow when she sends him an airline ticket he jumps and his work can deal with it.

Supposedly he has 'taken precautions' by making sure they have a friend there at all times. You know, so he doesn't become an actual cheater or an actual adulterer. Because what he is doing is by his definition NOT cheating.
I know, right? Anyway.

What gets me is that he didn't really try to talk to the kids or anything. It was like we were gone and he thought to himself, 'score! noone to get in the way of my freedom!' Which is what a teenager would think, so I'm pretty sure that was about the depth of what went through his mind.

I'm not sure if there is a bridge under my feet or wings on my back. But, Saturday I didn't feel either. Today I feel like I can face the day. Maybe not the future. But I can face today. That's going to have to be good enough for now.

We have not spoken since Monday night. And texted only a few times. Those I'll discuss tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm with my BFF.

Gonna watch a movie and giggle like the goofs we are.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Quoth The Raven Tuesday

Ok, no this isn't a post about Poe. Or birds. I just really wanted a Tuesday theme and I couldn't think of anything and I also wanted to use the word 'quoth' but you can't really use it without 'the raven' for some reason. I think they are all copyrighted together or something. I'm not sure.
So, here is something that some wise someone I do not know quoth. (Oh, look! I CAN use it!)
"When you come to the edge of all the light you know
and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown,
FAITH is knowing that one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid to stand on...
or you will be taught how to fly."
Barbara J. Winter
I have that quote up on my kitchen wall. I have been thinking of it a lot these past few weeks.
I keep thinking of that scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail (or whatever that movies is called) where he gets to that big deep chasm and he takes that 'leap of faith' and steps out onto what looks like nothing until he realizes there is a narrow and almost invisible bridge across the gap.
You know that I am trying to follow what I feel God is leading me to do. I feel like I keep taking those scary little first leaps and looking down in surprise to find a bridge where I saw none before.
Today I am taking another of those leaps and praying for that bridge to be there.
Here's to another Indiana Jones moment.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Did I Just Confess to Murder?!

So, I'm the 2nd counselor in my ward's primary presidency. Primary is the name of the organization in charge of children ages 18 mos through 12 years. It was my turn to teach all the kids a few weeks ago.
We were talking about sinning and repentance and how we thanks to Jesus we can be forgiven of our sins and our mistakes. I explained it in simple terms to the younger group (under 8) with a couple of stories and questions, etc.
But with the older kids (9-12) I was going to add an analogy of sin and liken it to poison. That we can take poison and be sorry for taking it and if there is an antidote take that, too, but the antidote isn't going to take away all the effects (consequences) of having ingested the poison in the first place.
And I had a story about a show I saw on Animal Planet (Thanks, Big Boy!): There was a scientist who wanted to study the effects of a certain kind of poisonous snakebite and so he allowed himself to be bitten and observed by hospital staff and scientists. And he was in excruciating pain almost immediately (bet he was sorry, then!) and they gave him the antidote (repentance/atonement), but it would take several hours to work its way through his system and actually take away all the pain caused by the venom (consequences). See how I did that?
Anyway. I was up there in front of the kids and teachers, talking and talking, and I couldn't think of how to bring up the whole poison idea. This is what I said:

"So, I've been learning about poison, lately..."

And then I noticed two of the teachers (who know of Beloved's and my situation) smirking and trying to keep in a giggle.
Which made ME giggle.
So then I said, "wait, that didn't sound right...."
And then everyone started giggling.
I lost it, I couldn't stop thinking of the idea of me announcing to the kids and teachers in primary that I'm gonna poison somebody (which, I feel compelled to explain that I'M NOT gonna do that to anyone! OK).
Then I tried to stop laughing.
It didn't work. I giggled, the kids giggled, the teachers who know my situation were giggling, too.
Finally I got myself under control and finished my lesson.

Afterwards one of the teachers came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I could not stop! I just kept thinking. OK, if the police come lookin' I'm going to have to tell them that she confessed it all right in church! But then I'd tell them that I am totally on your side and you were driven to it."

So at least I have someone who'll stand by me. ; )

Saturday, July 18, 2009

When Laughter Makes You Want to Cry

Driving our 9 hour drive to visit family can be an ordeal. So we listen to books on tape (usually Harry Potter) and mixed it up with a little Bill Cosby standup and Brian Regan standup. LOVE them both.

Now, I must admit that I am silly by nature. Well, I'm a lot of things by nature, actually. What I'm trying to say is that I am easily entertained, in that I laugh easily.
I've heard the same comedy routines over and over. The Brian Regan one we were listening to I have heard at least 12 times in the last few months (Big Boy loves that routine). Yeah, I still laugh at everything. And hard.

I was drinking my new 'blueberry pomegranate Propel' (yum) and laughed so hard I had to grab Baby Boy's onesie which had been in my purse (that's another story, but it's not interesting, so I'll just leave it) and mop up the drool that had seeped down my chin...and shirt... Don't judge me. I know I'm not the most elegant woman out there. Sheesh.
Now, here's my bad: I made a mistake and said, (however jokingly) 'oh my gosh, i am such a dork. no wonder you don't like me anymore!'
Beloved didn't like that and said "don't say that!"

I feel like I need to tell you that I didn't like that I said that. I have really begun to like me for me lately. And you know what, I like that I'm a huge dork about certain things. I like that I laugh like I've never heard the joke before. I like that when I watch a movie I forget that it isn't real and that I've seen it several times before and still say something like, "No, don't let her die! Beloved! Don't let her die!" and he (used to) lovingly remind me that she's going to die, but it'll be ok in the end. Yes, I am a dork. I admit it. But, you know what? I like that quirkiness about me. So there.

Oh, but I digress, my dears.

What made me pull out my notepad and write this post while driving (while HE was driving...just in case you were worried) was this:
When his heart was mine--not even so very long ago--if I laughed as hard as I did in the car (with or without the drooling) Beloved would have laughed along, usually harder because I was already laughing, and then sigh a long sigh and say, "Aw, honey, I love your laugh."

Seriously. We were that kind of sick and in love and schmoopy. We always said things like that.

It's just a little something that reminds me--heck, there are probably dozens of things daily that tell me--his heart is not here.

I hate it.
I am selfish and I say, "Damnit, his heart belongs to ME!"

I will say, though, that later we had a good laugh, and the kids couldn't get us to answer them because we had got each other laughing so hard over beefaroni at a fancy restaurant. (brian regan, again). And in those moments, it's good and bad at once, because we feel like us for just a few minutes, seconds, whatever. And then we go back to being who we are right now.

On a lighter note, How many of you did a search for Tony Danza? ; )

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I'm back!

Well, the trip was great in some moments, sucked during others. We argued and I found out some things that I don't want to go into right now...maybe never. I don't know yet. Anyway. I am too tired to actually do a post about the trip right now (we just got in at 7:30 this morning), or what happened or whatever. So I am posting a post that I wrote a while ago but never posted. (Sheesh, how many times in a sentence can one use variations of that word?!?) Why did I never post it? Because I didn't think Beloved knew that I was looking into his phone without his permission. Not that I feel I really did need his permission, but I didn't want him getting mad and blaming me about it after reading the blog. Which he says he hasn't done since he told me he wouldn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. Because here is the post I was holding onto:

Baby did a bad bad thing.

Well, I guess I didn't do THAT bad of a thing. I mean, it may have been a little invasive of privacy, but really, does Beloved deserve privacy or trust of any kind right now?

I didn't think so, either.

Which is why I decided to look in his phone during a rare moment that he put it down and left the room. I have been avoiding doing it. And I know it was Satan trying to get me to do it, and I admit, I totally gave in. I am weak and I am human and I am doing this without a manual, so give me a break. I already feel bad about it. And I paid for it, too.

Because I opened up the phone and I opened up his chat window and there was her little smiley face insignia saying 'available'. (ooh, side note-I have been toying with the idea of going on his account and changing 'available' to read 'married' so it shows up that way on hers. hee hee.)

Would you like to know what her screen name is?

You would?

Oh, I'd be happy to oblige.

It's 'tiny dancer'.

Now. Don't ask me why, but this really ticked me off beyond rationality. I was so irritated. Beloved has never had a nickname for me and this is what he gives to his mistress? I mean, it really bubbled and boiled in me for a while.

But then I got to thinking. Maybe it isn't a nickname. Maybe there is more to it. I mean, could she in fact be a tiny dancer? Who knows, she may very well be a 4 foot 7 choreography wiz!

Or maybe she is just average-sized but dances really tiny steps, like the mini cabbage patch or the teeny roger rabbit or the running toddler instead of the running man.

It has become very perplexing...

Now, it could have reference to the song by Elton John. I did think of that, too. Which irritates me, because about a month ago a friend loaned us the 'american idol sing it' for the wii and he wanted to sing that song several times. Which could just be coincidence. That's what sucks about this, is it pollutes every thing and makes everything seem shrouded with ulterior motives, etc.

OK, back to 'tiny dancer': So, if it does refer to the song by Elton John, then all I can think of when I hear that is "hold me closer Tony Danza", which makes me smile. And so that is how I refer to her in my mind. Tony Danza. Although, I love Tony Danza. I really always wanted him to be my dad when I was a kid watching 'who's the boss'. Such a great show.

But, I mean, really. Doesn't it make you smile to picture my husband going all loopy over this man:

I know it makes me smile. Oh. Word of warning. DON'T do a search for images of Tony Danza without checking the filter. Wow. I didn't know he posed nude....

I don't think I EVER wanted to know that. Though, I will say...Mr. Danza's 'tiny dancer'? Not so tiny.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Short hiatus

hiatus...did I spell that right?

Anyway. I am taking a short hiatus. Well, not really. I am going on vacation with Beloved and the four kiddos to see some family. I don't know if I'll have web access. Oh, dear, I hope so!

But, in any case, I don't know how much time I'll have, especially without Beloved around so that I can type my posts.

I know, I should have been on the ball like others who do several posts ahead and then schedule them to post themselves...or however that magic works.

I'm not that organized.

I'll be back in a week, if you don't hear from me sooner. Sheesh. I really really hope I can get to a computer!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Interesting Side-effect, or Whoda Thunk?

Now, I'd like to take a moment to say that all my life I have struggled with self-image trouble.
I know, right? Who hasn't? Very few.

All my life I hated when people complimented my appearance or my looks. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I also hated it. I didn't know how to handle it. What do you say when someone says you're pretty or beautiful and you don't agree?

I used to just laugh it off and say, 'oh, yeah...whatever.' or something akin to it. Incidentally I'm not good at taking most any kind of compliments. Just not comfortable with it.

But it really bothered me when boys would compliment me. Especially those I was on a date with or whatever. I remember one time dancing with a boy and saying to him (after he told me I was the b word--not THAT b word! The good one...beautiful) "You don't have to say things like that. I'm already in your arms."

Oh, I know. I am mortified at the lack of self-worth and esteem I had at that time.

I remember when Beloved and I were dating it made me anxious and uncomfortable for him to call me that. Partly because that was who I was and partly because--well, I had seen pics of the girls he had dated and he thought they were beautiful and so, clearly he could not be trusted. ;)

But for most of the last 12 years that he and I have been together, I based a lot of my self-worth and self-image on him and his reactions to my appearance, etc. I didn't always do it. I mean, when he would tell me I was beautiful while I was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and no makeup and my hair just in a ponytail or not even brushed (oh, c'mon, what moms haven't had that kind of day?!) I had a hard time believing it. And when I dressed up for a date or just no occasion at all and he didn't notice or say that he noticed, I took it badly.

But slowly I have noticed in the last month that this infidelity of Beloved's has caused me to think of myself as separate from him (and let's face it, he barely looks at me now, anyhow).

I get myself ready in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and put on my makeup--or don't put it on--for me.

I look in the mirror and I like what I see, makeup or no. Clothes or no.
I've decided that I like me for me.
I'm a good person. Or try to be.
I'm a good friend. Or try to be.
I'm a good mom. Or try to be.
I'm a good wife. Or try to be.

But you know what? I'm a good me.

I may have still 30 lbs to lose, but I've lost 35 in the last few months.
And I'm ok with giving myself several more months to lose it.

I look at my body and I think "OK, It's not perfect", but I see the scars of each of my four pregnancies and how could I not love the part of me that housed those perfect babies of mine?

And my breasts aren't the pert little perky things they were 12 years ago, but they have given sustenance (and still are giving sustenance to baby boy) to all four of my children in their first year or so of life.

My face has changed. My eyes have little lines around them when I smile or laugh, but aren't I blessed that I've had that many opportunities to laugh and smile?

It's me.
It's good.
I like it.

To me, I'm beautiful.

Whether Beloved notices or not.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Wednesday night...

**once again, please ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes. thanks.**


Turns out he cannot live with that.

We went on a walk (Bishop prescribed) last night and I told him that the phone needs to be off of him when he is home (because it was in his pocket the whole time after getting home....HELLO, I thought we went over this the day before!) I consider that talking to her, if he is keeping it in his pocket to text her whenever he isn't in the same room as me. I don't think I'm being terribly unreasonable here. But he said that he cannot live with that.
So. He has decided that there are only two scenarios he can live with.

One: That he lives here with his family, but has the freedom to call her whenever he feels like it.

I cannot live with that one. It isn't right.

Two: He leaves and finds a little place to live and goes to work and comes home to me and the kids and then when they go to sleep he goes back to his little place to sleep.

I don't like it, but he has already chosen that one.

I tried to help him understand that he is just leaving by degrees but he doesn't see it. And he doesn't see that leaving us IS abandoning us. He sees it as only giving himself freedom to call her. He says his choices are only leading him closer to her. I tried to explain to him that if they are leading him closer to her, that means they are leading him to divorce and (say it with me) abandonment of his family. He cannot see it. He says as long as he is still providing a roof over our heads and food for our table he is not doing anything of the kind. I told him, that it is abandonment and he would have said so, too, before he started doing all this.

I explained to him that if that all happened, then what? If I remarried I'd want to be sealed to my new husband (which totally unconcerned him, he was like 'so?') but I'd also want my children to be sealed to me and my new husband because it's only fair to them that they have a mother and a father. He said he didn't think he could live with that. But it is a possibility he needs to think about.

I told him, he needs to think about what he is doing and the consequences. All of the consequences. And that Bishop was right. He needs to Man Up. (actually, Bishop said grow up, but I say man up...same diff)

He thinks that he will still be an ideal father from a distance. He thinks the kids won't know he is gone. He's such a fool. I told him, he's already being selfish. As he leaves he's just going to keep getting more selfish and pretty soon he won't be coming over every day. It'll be less and less. He compared himself to my dad and said he's a better father and he'll make sure the kids feel loved and taken care of.

We talked for a long time last night. Maybe hours. I don't know.

He keeps talking about repenting of his sin later. Because he's choosing to do it now, but with the knowledge that he'll just take care of it later.

I reminded him that in the temple, he didn't make a covenant to me. We each made a covenant with God. There were no promises made to me. And I told him, Are you willing to break a covenant you made to Him?

And he stood there thinking for a few minutes and then he said. "yeah. I guess I am."

I said "You are? That's so sad...What makes a person do that?" Here, I was in tears, because I hurt for him.

He smiled and said, Well, I guess Satan.
And I said, And you're choosing Satan?
And he looked at me like I was crazy. And I said, "you are willingly choosing to follow Satan?"
And he said, no, I'm choosing to get closer to HER.
And I asked, who do you think put her in your life again?
And he looked at me dubiously, and said, if it was Satan, then that means God allowed him to "tempt" me, and why would He give me something that I couldn't say no to?
And I said, He didn't. You CAN say no to it.
ANd he said, but I don't want to. WHy would he make it something I couldn't say no to?
And I said, Of COURSE it has to be something you want. Otherwise why would anyone fall into temptation?
He didn't like this and said he was tired of the preaching and pandering.

One of the kids came in--I don't remember who.

So when they left I said, Beloved, what do you think I'm fighting for?
And he answered, "I know what you're fighting for!"
ANd I said, so tell me.
ANd he said, for our family...and for our marriage. and he started to tear up but got himself back in control.

But I lost it. I couldn't keep my cool anymore.

I started crying and said, "you don't know anything. you have it all wrong. I am fighting for SIX SOULS, here. I am fighting for yours, because you aren't willing to do it for yourself, and I am fighting for four little souls back there! I am fighting for the here and now, but I am fighting for Eternity! I am fighting becuase those children were sent here to do a great work and for a great purpose but they can't become those people if we aren't together. They need BOTH of us. They need a mom and dad who will teach them what is right and lead them and love them and all those things that you cannot do if you are gone. Satan wins. Satan wins by tearing us apart. Satan wins so much more than you if you go."

Then I made a mistake. And I really regret it. But I said, "I want you to get Angry! I want you to fight! I want you to fight for something more than yourself! You aren't willing to fight for yourself or your children you are just giving in to this and I just hate you!"

And I slapped him.
And he put his hand up and I slapped him again.
And I said, 'don't you block my hand you deserve everything I give you!' and I slapped him again.
I am so sorry I did. I love him and never wanted to do that. I just...this apathy he has is so insidious. It started out so small, but it has grown and it will only continue to grow until it has consumed him. That makes me crazy...crazier than the hurt I feel for how he treats me.

I walked away, but came back and said he needs to think about something more than his crotch (here I actually did worse and grabbed it and squeezed enough to hurt--I'm so sorry.)

And he said, 'is that what you think i am doing?!"
And I said, yes, it's what you are doing. You think you are following your heart?! Your heart is deceived... You need to start thinking about someone besides yourself. You need to start caring about your family. You say that you love us and if you didn't you would be gone. But if you loved them, you wouldn't be doing this. This isn't love. This is covering your ass."
To which he replied, 'how?!"
ANd i said, "you are so concernend with what people might say about you! this is you saying 'look i'm a good dad, i'm still providing for them, see, it's not that bad.' If you loved them, you'd do what was right by them. "
And he said, I do love them!
And I said, yeah. well, not enough.
And he said again, 'i love them'
and I said again, 'not enough to do what's right by them'

And he sat for a long while at the foot of the bed. And I said. "I am sorry for hitting you. I love you and never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me. I just. This apathy you have in your life just makes me crazy."

And he said, "what apathy?!" So I tried to explain that he just slowly is falling into it. Things that he would never entertain the thougth of, he suddenly is now, like, "well, i guess it's ok, let's just see..."

We sat for another while and I told him "Beloved, I love you. And I hate seeing you unhappy. I just-gosh, I am so sick. I hate seeing what this is doing to you. But you don't know what the future holds. You don't know. And maybe at the end of this life maybe you can have her in the eternities, and if that's what God says is right, and if she is worthy to be your Queen, than I guess I'll step aside, (at which point he looked up hopefully) but in THIS life--In this life, you have to stick to the Queen you chose. (and he looked down again, despondant--you know, which makes me feel real great...but at the same time, I really know he is deceived, so I cannot let it hurt me)."

He then made the argument that if he stayed. If he did what was right by his kids. He would never be happy, and it would all be a lie, and I would be unhappy too. And I asked if he would TRY to be happy. And he said, "I wouldn't be happy" And I said, that's not what I asked, I asked if you would TRY to be happy with us. And he said, sure, I could try, but it would never work, so why bother. I felt (and said so) that he was more concerned with his own unhappiness than with that of others (myself). And he agreed that it is the biggest part of it.

He asked me again if I could live a life like that.

And I told him, "I know that...this life is hard. And there are parts about it that just...suck. But I know, I know that if we just do what we came here to do, if we keep our covenants and our promises to Heavenly Father, and I don't just mean the marriage covenant, I mean all the little things, like praying to him in our hearts all day long, and in our closets and secret places, if we read our scriptures, if we do the right things, He will make it right. If we do what is right? If we do those things? How can we not be blessed? Won't the windows of heaven be opened to pour out those blessings upon us? I know there have been times in your life when you have felt those blessings. Times when you didn't feel worthy of them...
And I have so much faith in what Joseph B Wirthlin said in that conference talk. He promises the righteous that the tears of sorrow over loss that we feel now will be rewarded and multiplied with tears of rejoicing. And I know that if we sacrifice. If you give up something good or great for something eternal...Won't he make it all right? Won't he bless us with something greater? But the problem is You don't believe Him when He says what he Says. You don't believe He will do what He says He will do. You've gotta believe that it can happen. You have to have faith in Him."
He closed his eyes and teared up a little. I decided to let him alone.

In the middle of the night I woke up becaues I could feel him stirring and shifting beside me. He couldn't sleep.
I told him Big Boy (10) prays every day that he won't leave us. And if he does (leave us), Big Boy will be the first to know, and the first to stop believing (in God, prayers, etc.).

I told him, there was a time that if someone stole into the house to hurt us, he'd fight to the death. But now, he's not only opened the door, he's rolled over and said, 'do what you want with them, so long as i'm ok'.
He said, 'not being here to protect my family weighs heavily on me'

So he missed the point of that. Because I was talking about how he's letting himself and Satan just tear us all apart.

And I asked him (a while later, since I couldn't sleep either) if hurting his children, breaking their hearts and their faith is worth an hour more a night or an hour more every few nights to talk to her.
And he said, "then let me stay and talk to her all I want"
And I said, (very calmly) "This isn't me doing this to you. You are choosing it. So don't treat me like I'm the mom and you are the 16 year old kid who isn't getting to do what he wants. And who has to run away so he can get it."
He said, "you're right" and rolled over.

During our talks last night I tried to help him see that the heartbreak that the kids will feel (because he keeps talking divorce) is not avoidable. They will feel it. And it isn't a BYPRODUCT of divorce. It is the choice that he is making that WILL RESULT in those feelings, and in essence it is him choosing to bestow them upon four little people. He said, "yeah. I guess that's true. But..." and I don't remember EXACTLY what he said there, but it was something having to do with being unwilling to give her up. or unwilling to give up the freedom to talk to her whenever he wanted to.

Last night I was sick sick sick with worry and panic and fear.

But this morning I feel like it is good. I think if he had made the decision to go two nights ago (when I told him not to talk to her), he could blame me for forcing him out of the house. He needed to come up with his plan the next morning at work (which is what he told me he did) so that he can know it is him choosing it.

So I guess we'll see where this goes

I felt all along that he would have to leave before he could return and be the man he needs to be.
I just....well, I guess I hoped that it wouldn't come to that. I didn't want to go through that heartbreak and hard work. I know, I am totally weak and lazy, but it's true. But, I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and He is holding me and the kids together. And I pray that he is holding Beloved together inasmuch as he can when one doesn't want it.

Pray for my kids. They know something is up and they will very quickly (despite Beloved's beliefs) realize it when he leaves. They will need the spiritual buoying up that only He can provide.

Pray for my husband. I don't know what he needs, but Heavenly Father does, and only He can place the people, events, whatever, in his path to lead him back home.

If you like, I'd like prayers for me, too. Because this is harder than I thought. And I am just hanging on some moments. And, right now I am scared. I feel like Heavenly Father set this in motion and I just need to see it through. But, I just...I don't want to get to the other side of this and Beloved not be by our sides. I just. Can't see life like that. I just. I don't know.
So, I have to keep my faith in what Heavenly Father promised me. And wait for Beloved's return.

I am sorry that I hit him and manhandled him. I am sorry if I offended any of you by doing so. Because I really don't know what came over me, and I know I just gave into anger and gave into Satan. And we can't have both Beloved and I giving in to him. I am sorry if I am not doing everything right. I am trying. I promise, so please have a little mercy toward me if you can. If I could make him love me and our kids the right way again, I would. But he has to find us again all on his own. Which stinks.


OK. So that is what I wrote and had ready for posting. But after Thursday night, I am not sure what is happening now.
He came home and acted like nothing happened. He put his phone on the dresser and never picked it up again until this afternoon. I got myself ready for bed after getting the kids in bed and fully expected him to say, 'ok, well, see ya', but instead he got undressed and got in bed. (I was already in bed trying to fall asleep) Then he woke me up and said he needed to go for a walk and I said, ok, be careful, and he thought I said don't take the phone (I know, they sound very similar when spoken by a groggy woman) and he said "I'm not taking the phone!" (not yelling, just vehemently.) And I said, "ok, I didn't say that. I said be careful." and he said, "oh. ok" and he left and was gone for, like an hour and a half. (I had already fallen asleep, but this morning I woke up with him beside me and asked what time he came in)
I don't know what's going on.
I need to talk to him about it without being like, "Dude. I already mourned you leaving, now you aren't? What's going on?" Because I DON"T want him leaving. I just am really confused.
Especially after spending the most of yesterday in tears, and then he comes home and acts like he never told me he was moving out.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Two nights ago...

This is waht happened Tuesday night. I'll tell you the rest tomorrow. Please ignore grammar and spelling problems. I don't care enough to fix them right now. Thanks.

Also, I commented in the post below. Thanks for all the comments.

He came into the bedroom where I was reading in Romans and he said he was going to go for a drive to call her. I said why and he said because he told her he would so I said, well, it's good you keep your promises. I know, snarky, but I couldn't help it.
Then we talked for a few moments and I was SO MAD that I wanted to grab him by the throat. I really had to stop and just sit there on my bed and pray for several minutes until the feeling went away. And once I felt peaceful I stopped and guess what happened?
I looked at him and knew I had to say no. And I said it so nicely. Seriously, I could feel the peace all through my countenance. He looked flabbergasted.
He asked what I meant by no, and honestly I didn't know what I meant I just knew I had to tell him and so when he asked I said, I don't know yet, I guess we'll just have to see.
he didn't like that. It made him stop to think.
He was like, "I need to know if it is the difference of sleeping on the couch or sleeping in my car" And I said, I don't know. Because, I tell you I really didn't know. As I was saying it, I was (in my head) panicking, thinking, oh my gosh. What am I doing? What if he just leaves? But I knew that the powerful peacefulness I felt was the spirit and I knew that I had to say what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. The sad thing is, I was totally planning on letting him go call her. But I knew at that moment what I had to say and do. not a moment sooner.
So after a long while he decided he was going to go.
And I said, so you've made your choice?
I told him several times, that the choices he is making are leading him to an end he will not like. And so after I asked if he has made his choice he said, "well, yeah. I know it's a gamble, but I'm going to take it."
So i looked him directly in the eye and said, "it's not a gamble. It's a choice"
And he said 'well, if i don't know what the consequence is, then it is a gamble" and I said no it isn't, it's his choice. because (well, like I said above, his choices are leading him to nothing good)
I want to make it clear, here that I totally remained calm and peaceful during the whole 20 + minute conversation. Well, not so much conversation all the time. There was a lot of quiet thought going on. I let him think as long as he wanted to.
So then I asked him if he could live with any of the consequences. and he said no, there are some that he could not live with. and I said, oh.
Then he sat down again and was quiet for a moment. Then he said, what are you telling me? He really wanted me to spell it out for him, and frankly I didn't know until the words were coming out of my mouth WHAT I was going to say, but here it is:
I felt like I had to say, Well, you can call her and tell her that you aren't going to talk tonight, but you aren't leaving this house to do it.
And I told him that if he leaves he is making a choice. It comes down to what do you want more? He can go and call her and talk to her or he can stay and be a part of this family.
I said I'm your wife and I'm asking this of you right now.
Then he was like, "are we going to go through this again in a few days when I want to call her again?" and I said, we'll just have to see.
But then I said, if you want to call her from work and waste your time and not be a good worker, that's your thing.
But when you get home, you are MY husband. And the Father of MY children.
Then I told him (later) because he was like, "so now you aren't ok with me calling her from home. How much longer till you aren't ok with me calling her from work?" And I just answered 'I don't know" which is true. Heck I didn't know I was going to tell him "no" until it just HAD to come out!
So he sat for a long time. And then he said he was going to leave the room and get water. And I could hear him pouting.
He was walking pouty and stuff. He acts a lot like a teenager.
So then he came back and I just kept reading my scriptures (which is what I was doing when this all started ) and I think it was my calm peacefulness that unnerved him.
I think he realized I meant business.
Though I have to tell you, again: I knew it was all the Lord directing me, because I thought, what the heck? If he leaves I'm going to have to do seomthing and I don't have any idea what. But I knew if it came to that the Lord would show me what to do next.
But he still tried to push it. He was all, "I'm going to go for a walk, just a short one to call her." and I was like, "ok, anything else?" and I could tell he was like 'crap'. SO then he said 'well, I'm not going to call her. I'll tell her I am not. I'll text her."
I said, "that's your choice. I'm being pretty nice about this, here. So you can tell her that you aren't talking, but you'll do it from this house."
ANd he sat for a while longer and said, 'does the garage count?' and immediately he was like, 'ok, no, i was kidding'
Which i wanted to laugh at, but didn't. THen he got up and texted her in the living room. As he was leaving I said, "oh, and you can't refer to me as the 'b' word". I was TOTALLY joking, but he was really offended by it. Whatever. (see, I'm a total b word)