Friday, July 3, 2009

Wednesday night...

**once again, please ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes. thanks.**


Turns out he cannot live with that.

We went on a walk (Bishop prescribed) last night and I told him that the phone needs to be off of him when he is home (because it was in his pocket the whole time after getting home....HELLO, I thought we went over this the day before!) I consider that talking to her, if he is keeping it in his pocket to text her whenever he isn't in the same room as me. I don't think I'm being terribly unreasonable here. But he said that he cannot live with that.
So. He has decided that there are only two scenarios he can live with.

One: That he lives here with his family, but has the freedom to call her whenever he feels like it.

I cannot live with that one. It isn't right.

Two: He leaves and finds a little place to live and goes to work and comes home to me and the kids and then when they go to sleep he goes back to his little place to sleep.

I don't like it, but he has already chosen that one.

I tried to help him understand that he is just leaving by degrees but he doesn't see it. And he doesn't see that leaving us IS abandoning us. He sees it as only giving himself freedom to call her. He says his choices are only leading him closer to her. I tried to explain to him that if they are leading him closer to her, that means they are leading him to divorce and (say it with me) abandonment of his family. He cannot see it. He says as long as he is still providing a roof over our heads and food for our table he is not doing anything of the kind. I told him, that it is abandonment and he would have said so, too, before he started doing all this.

I explained to him that if that all happened, then what? If I remarried I'd want to be sealed to my new husband (which totally unconcerned him, he was like 'so?') but I'd also want my children to be sealed to me and my new husband because it's only fair to them that they have a mother and a father. He said he didn't think he could live with that. But it is a possibility he needs to think about.

I told him, he needs to think about what he is doing and the consequences. All of the consequences. And that Bishop was right. He needs to Man Up. (actually, Bishop said grow up, but I say man up...same diff)

He thinks that he will still be an ideal father from a distance. He thinks the kids won't know he is gone. He's such a fool. I told him, he's already being selfish. As he leaves he's just going to keep getting more selfish and pretty soon he won't be coming over every day. It'll be less and less. He compared himself to my dad and said he's a better father and he'll make sure the kids feel loved and taken care of.

We talked for a long time last night. Maybe hours. I don't know.

He keeps talking about repenting of his sin later. Because he's choosing to do it now, but with the knowledge that he'll just take care of it later.

I reminded him that in the temple, he didn't make a covenant to me. We each made a covenant with God. There were no promises made to me. And I told him, Are you willing to break a covenant you made to Him?

And he stood there thinking for a few minutes and then he said. "yeah. I guess I am."

I said "You are? That's so sad...What makes a person do that?" Here, I was in tears, because I hurt for him.

He smiled and said, Well, I guess Satan.
And I said, And you're choosing Satan?
And he looked at me like I was crazy. And I said, "you are willingly choosing to follow Satan?"
And he said, no, I'm choosing to get closer to HER.
And I asked, who do you think put her in your life again?
And he looked at me dubiously, and said, if it was Satan, then that means God allowed him to "tempt" me, and why would He give me something that I couldn't say no to?
And I said, He didn't. You CAN say no to it.
ANd he said, but I don't want to. WHy would he make it something I couldn't say no to?
And I said, Of COURSE it has to be something you want. Otherwise why would anyone fall into temptation?
He didn't like this and said he was tired of the preaching and pandering.

One of the kids came in--I don't remember who.

So when they left I said, Beloved, what do you think I'm fighting for?
And he answered, "I know what you're fighting for!"
ANd I said, so tell me.
ANd he said, for our family...and for our marriage. and he started to tear up but got himself back in control.

But I lost it. I couldn't keep my cool anymore.

I started crying and said, "you don't know anything. you have it all wrong. I am fighting for SIX SOULS, here. I am fighting for yours, because you aren't willing to do it for yourself, and I am fighting for four little souls back there! I am fighting for the here and now, but I am fighting for Eternity! I am fighting becuase those children were sent here to do a great work and for a great purpose but they can't become those people if we aren't together. They need BOTH of us. They need a mom and dad who will teach them what is right and lead them and love them and all those things that you cannot do if you are gone. Satan wins. Satan wins by tearing us apart. Satan wins so much more than you if you go."

Then I made a mistake. And I really regret it. But I said, "I want you to get Angry! I want you to fight! I want you to fight for something more than yourself! You aren't willing to fight for yourself or your children you are just giving in to this and I just hate you!"

And I slapped him.
And he put his hand up and I slapped him again.
And I said, 'don't you block my hand you deserve everything I give you!' and I slapped him again.
I am so sorry I did. I love him and never wanted to do that. I just...this apathy he has is so insidious. It started out so small, but it has grown and it will only continue to grow until it has consumed him. That makes me crazy...crazier than the hurt I feel for how he treats me.

I walked away, but came back and said he needs to think about something more than his crotch (here I actually did worse and grabbed it and squeezed enough to hurt--I'm so sorry.)

And he said, 'is that what you think i am doing?!"
And I said, yes, it's what you are doing. You think you are following your heart?! Your heart is deceived... You need to start thinking about someone besides yourself. You need to start caring about your family. You say that you love us and if you didn't you would be gone. But if you loved them, you wouldn't be doing this. This isn't love. This is covering your ass."
To which he replied, 'how?!"
ANd i said, "you are so concernend with what people might say about you! this is you saying 'look i'm a good dad, i'm still providing for them, see, it's not that bad.' If you loved them, you'd do what was right by them. "
And he said, I do love them!
And I said, yeah. well, not enough.
And he said again, 'i love them'
and I said again, 'not enough to do what's right by them'

And he sat for a long while at the foot of the bed. And I said. "I am sorry for hitting you. I love you and never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me. I just. This apathy you have in your life just makes me crazy."

And he said, "what apathy?!" So I tried to explain that he just slowly is falling into it. Things that he would never entertain the thougth of, he suddenly is now, like, "well, i guess it's ok, let's just see..."

We sat for another while and I told him "Beloved, I love you. And I hate seeing you unhappy. I just-gosh, I am so sick. I hate seeing what this is doing to you. But you don't know what the future holds. You don't know. And maybe at the end of this life maybe you can have her in the eternities, and if that's what God says is right, and if she is worthy to be your Queen, than I guess I'll step aside, (at which point he looked up hopefully) but in THIS life--In this life, you have to stick to the Queen you chose. (and he looked down again, despondant--you know, which makes me feel real great...but at the same time, I really know he is deceived, so I cannot let it hurt me)."

He then made the argument that if he stayed. If he did what was right by his kids. He would never be happy, and it would all be a lie, and I would be unhappy too. And I asked if he would TRY to be happy. And he said, "I wouldn't be happy" And I said, that's not what I asked, I asked if you would TRY to be happy with us. And he said, sure, I could try, but it would never work, so why bother. I felt (and said so) that he was more concerned with his own unhappiness than with that of others (myself). And he agreed that it is the biggest part of it.

He asked me again if I could live a life like that.

And I told him, "I know that...this life is hard. And there are parts about it that just...suck. But I know, I know that if we just do what we came here to do, if we keep our covenants and our promises to Heavenly Father, and I don't just mean the marriage covenant, I mean all the little things, like praying to him in our hearts all day long, and in our closets and secret places, if we read our scriptures, if we do the right things, He will make it right. If we do what is right? If we do those things? How can we not be blessed? Won't the windows of heaven be opened to pour out those blessings upon us? I know there have been times in your life when you have felt those blessings. Times when you didn't feel worthy of them...
And I have so much faith in what Joseph B Wirthlin said in that conference talk. He promises the righteous that the tears of sorrow over loss that we feel now will be rewarded and multiplied with tears of rejoicing. And I know that if we sacrifice. If you give up something good or great for something eternal...Won't he make it all right? Won't he bless us with something greater? But the problem is You don't believe Him when He says what he Says. You don't believe He will do what He says He will do. You've gotta believe that it can happen. You have to have faith in Him."
He closed his eyes and teared up a little. I decided to let him alone.

In the middle of the night I woke up becaues I could feel him stirring and shifting beside me. He couldn't sleep.
I told him Big Boy (10) prays every day that he won't leave us. And if he does (leave us), Big Boy will be the first to know, and the first to stop believing (in God, prayers, etc.).

I told him, there was a time that if someone stole into the house to hurt us, he'd fight to the death. But now, he's not only opened the door, he's rolled over and said, 'do what you want with them, so long as i'm ok'.
He said, 'not being here to protect my family weighs heavily on me'

So he missed the point of that. Because I was talking about how he's letting himself and Satan just tear us all apart.

And I asked him (a while later, since I couldn't sleep either) if hurting his children, breaking their hearts and their faith is worth an hour more a night or an hour more every few nights to talk to her.
And he said, "then let me stay and talk to her all I want"
And I said, (very calmly) "This isn't me doing this to you. You are choosing it. So don't treat me like I'm the mom and you are the 16 year old kid who isn't getting to do what he wants. And who has to run away so he can get it."
He said, "you're right" and rolled over.

During our talks last night I tried to help him see that the heartbreak that the kids will feel (because he keeps talking divorce) is not avoidable. They will feel it. And it isn't a BYPRODUCT of divorce. It is the choice that he is making that WILL RESULT in those feelings, and in essence it is him choosing to bestow them upon four little people. He said, "yeah. I guess that's true. But..." and I don't remember EXACTLY what he said there, but it was something having to do with being unwilling to give her up. or unwilling to give up the freedom to talk to her whenever he wanted to.

Last night I was sick sick sick with worry and panic and fear.

But this morning I feel like it is good. I think if he had made the decision to go two nights ago (when I told him not to talk to her), he could blame me for forcing him out of the house. He needed to come up with his plan the next morning at work (which is what he told me he did) so that he can know it is him choosing it.

So I guess we'll see where this goes

I felt all along that he would have to leave before he could return and be the man he needs to be.
I just....well, I guess I hoped that it wouldn't come to that. I didn't want to go through that heartbreak and hard work. I know, I am totally weak and lazy, but it's true. But, I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and He is holding me and the kids together. And I pray that he is holding Beloved together inasmuch as he can when one doesn't want it.

Pray for my kids. They know something is up and they will very quickly (despite Beloved's beliefs) realize it when he leaves. They will need the spiritual buoying up that only He can provide.

Pray for my husband. I don't know what he needs, but Heavenly Father does, and only He can place the people, events, whatever, in his path to lead him back home.

If you like, I'd like prayers for me, too. Because this is harder than I thought. And I am just hanging on some moments. And, right now I am scared. I feel like Heavenly Father set this in motion and I just need to see it through. But, I just...I don't want to get to the other side of this and Beloved not be by our sides. I just. Can't see life like that. I just. I don't know.
So, I have to keep my faith in what Heavenly Father promised me. And wait for Beloved's return.

I am sorry that I hit him and manhandled him. I am sorry if I offended any of you by doing so. Because I really don't know what came over me, and I know I just gave into anger and gave into Satan. And we can't have both Beloved and I giving in to him. I am sorry if I am not doing everything right. I am trying. I promise, so please have a little mercy toward me if you can. If I could make him love me and our kids the right way again, I would. But he has to find us again all on his own. Which stinks.


OK. So that is what I wrote and had ready for posting. But after Thursday night, I am not sure what is happening now.
He came home and acted like nothing happened. He put his phone on the dresser and never picked it up again until this afternoon. I got myself ready for bed after getting the kids in bed and fully expected him to say, 'ok, well, see ya', but instead he got undressed and got in bed. (I was already in bed trying to fall asleep) Then he woke me up and said he needed to go for a walk and I said, ok, be careful, and he thought I said don't take the phone (I know, they sound very similar when spoken by a groggy woman) and he said "I'm not taking the phone!" (not yelling, just vehemently.) And I said, "ok, I didn't say that. I said be careful." and he said, "oh. ok" and he left and was gone for, like an hour and a half. (I had already fallen asleep, but this morning I woke up with him beside me and asked what time he came in)
I don't know what's going on.
I need to talk to him about it without being like, "Dude. I already mourned you leaving, now you aren't? What's going on?" Because I DON"T want him leaving. I just am really confused.
Especially after spending the most of yesterday in tears, and then he comes home and acts like he never told me he was moving out.


MiMi said...

I'm crying for you. I feel so badly for you and your family. You entire family, including Beloved. Is this woman he "wants" also an LDS woman? Doesn't she know and struggle with the same covenants?
Doesn't he understand the whole thing he's fighting with is FREE WILL?? It's the most precious gift God gave us! It is our FREE WILL to believe in Him. It is our FREE WILL to turn away from Satan!!
And, ultimately it is his FREE WILL that will decide whether he is leaving or staying.
However, that being said, he needs to realize that physically being there means nothing if he's not emotionally there. It's called emotional abandonment. And, unfortunately, he's already done it. Only God will bring him back, and only then if Beloved wants it...why? FREE WILL. Oy. Free will kinda sucks sometimes, huh??
Love to you, and hugs.

The Johnson Family said...

WOW is about all I can say right now!! My husband and I read it together and he thinks Beloved is a total idiot and that he is lying to himself.
It is so interesting/sad because I guarantee you that everyone can see that what he is doing is so wrong and going to lead him to EXTREME UNHAPPINESS for himself (and others as well), but he is so blinded that he can't see it. Satan is a cunning little devil! It blows my mind sometimes. I don't think you need to apologize for your actions. You are human and make mistakes too. My husband thinks he deserved worse than a grab and a few smacks in the face, if that makes you feel any better, and that's coming from a guy! :)
I can't imagine being in your position, and I know I can't offer any advice, since I'm not in your shoes; but I want you to know that you deserve THE BEST. Don't settle for less. He is making his choice, and as much as it is going to tear your little family apart, he has his darn free agency.
He will regret everything he is doing right now, if not immediately, sooner or later. You are a righteous daughter of God. Have peace in knowing that you will be rewarded in Heaven for your righteousness. I just read an article and I really liked the quote, I think it keeps this all in perspective.
"In the end, we can have no greater honor than to stand before Jesus Christ as worthy sons and daughters of God and to receive together our crown of exaltation. It is a price worth paying."

Remember that you are not alone. We love you! We are praying for you and your beautiful and innocent children and Beloved as well.

Alicia said...

Your husband is not an idiot. Like you said, he is deceived. No one with their head on as straight as yours is would ever marry an idiot. Your perspective and spiritual maturity are inspiring.

Reading your story has changed me -your choices and your reactions have taught me so much.

I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances. But you have worked a world of good on me.

Thank you.
Please know there's nothing I wouldn't do to support and assist you -this of course includes the prayers you so earnestly ask for.
Your faith will make you whole.

I love you.

me said...

Is he in drugs? seriously? Could he be on drugs?

honestly, how do you make these completely stupid decisions, if you have ever had even an ounce of the moral fiber he proclaimed to have.
what makes him think he will stay around for his kids... if he can make these repulsively stupid decisions, he will continue you make them, just so he can share his bed with the devil himself.


Anonymous said...

i think he needs to be gently reminded of his own father and what he put beloved and his brothers through and what sorrow their sweet mother suffered because of the selfishness of him. i know beloved despises his dad for that and holds it against him so why is it ok for beloved to do the same? kindly inform him he's following in his father's foot steps!

DirknRory said...

Not that you didn't know this already, but you're in my thoughts and prayers continually. Love, your bff

Jenna Consolo said...

Thanks for coming over to my blog today. I've read through many of your posts here, and my heart aches for you. I'm married for the second time, but my first marriage ended because of infidelity. I could have written these posts, and even the conversations you are having with your Beloved. It is so, so frustrating to have the Spirit and be able to see so clearly the workings and entrapments of Satan, but not be able to convince the one you love of the choices he is making. These posts really take me back. Whoa. I am so sorry you have to experience this heartache. You are doing a magnificent job of holding fast and staying true. I sincerely hope that your husband is able to break free from the hold that is binding him fast, that he can see the lies he is believing, and that he can have a broken and contrite and repentant heart before more damage is done. But in the chance that it takes more time for him (as it did for my first husband, to whom I am still sealed), know that Heavenly Father really is mindful of all of you, and though your children will hurt, they will also have hearts filled with compassion and understanding for the pain of others, and the need for the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Love to you.