Thursday, August 27, 2009

Boy do I suck at short posts...

I notice that I'm not terribly clear in my posts. I know what I am trying to say, and I just assume others do too. So I figure that is something I need to work on...

Anyway, I'll clarify a little as I answer some of the comments from my 'Sundays' post.

Beloved is still going to church. Just not our home ward. He is going to the ward that is near his new place. He doesn't want to face the people in our ward (as I understand it) because he'll be wondering who knows and who is looking at him wall-eyed and who is going to say something to him about it. Which, I think is funny, because I can't imagine anyone saying anything to him about it. None of our friends are like that.

[funny side note about people at church coming up and talking to him: Three weeks after I found out what was happening, I made him go to church with us, and immediately after Sacrament meeting (LDS church meetings are 3 hours long on Sundays, consisting of a sacrament service with everyone all together, then a sunday school hour and then an hour where the men meet together in their quorums, the women meet together, the young women , the young men, etc.) a gentleman came up to Beloved, shook his hand and said, "Beloved, I've got to know what you are doing. You have got to tell me right now." Beloved just blanched. He looked ill. The guy must have seen the look on his face and so he continued (after a long pause) "...'cause I am trying to lose weight and it just isn't working. How much have you lost, man?!" The color rushed back into Beloved's face and he talked about how he's lost 40 lbs and that he's been working out, etc. That, as far as I know, is the closest anyone has come to 'confronting' him. And that wasn't even confronting him! It was just poor word choice by someone who knew absolutely nothing about the situation. Which was pretty funny, if you ask me.]

And I didn't mean that people are being nosey about the situation. It's more that, well, Beloved is one of those people who are...beloved. There was always some brother stopping him to talk BYU football (Beloved's other religion) and some young man or young woman stopping Beloved in the hall to chat (he taught early morning seminary for about 2 years) or something. I tease him that it is usually the wife who is the reason families are so slow in leaving after church because the women are always talking, but for us he is the one in the halls chatting it up with everyone. People notice he isn't there.

And I don't feel embarrassed by this situation I find myself in. It's funny:
Rocky, you said you are trying to get me to stop apologizing. I don't know who you are, but guess what...I apologize wayyyy too much. I always have. I tend to take responsibility for everything. Things that I have no control over I still feel like "maybe there is something I could have done...maybe it is because I'm a rotten person...maybe if I had only (fill in the blank)". In high school my friends little brother knocked some girl up and I felt somehow guilty for it. I know. Ridiculous, but there you have it. It's me. Somehow it is my own failings that cause the sorrow in this world.

Except now.

Now, when I should really feel the weight of those emotions crushing down on me--I don't. I admit there have been mistakes I made, and I intend not to make them again. But embarrasment, shame, self-consciousness? I don't feel it.
Weird.

Now, do I feel guilty for those whose stomachs ache because of what I am going through? TOTALLY. I had a friend tell me tonight that she thinks about me every day, all day. I said 'I'm so sorry'. Because: I get that I have to deal with this, and occasionally feel sick or angry or grieve over it. But that's 'cuz it's my life. But that others have to feel that way...I just feel awful. And yet, this isn't my fault. Or is it? If I weren't so darn loveable... Kidding. Totally kidding.

I don't want them to go to his place because it's just one room in his friend's basement that he lives in. Beloved originally asked if he could have the kids take turns having sleepovers with him. One or two at a time, because they'd have to hang out in his room or something like that. I said no. Just...no. I remember going to see my dad some weekends and feeling so sorry for him to see how he was living. And he had his own apartment...not...a room in someone's basement. I just, hated that feeling. I can see Big Girl totally internalizing it like I did at that age. So not good.

And, frankly, it's Sunday. They are my kids. I want to be with them. And truthfully I want Beloved to be able to spend Sunday with us. It's just that some days are harder than others, you know?

And I don't "hate dealing with" Beloved or his "crap". Well, I am sick of it. But it isn't an angry sort of feeling. It's more...like, "ugh, are we still doing this?"

And I would love an apology (btw, Rocky--I love the words 'profuse' and 'profusely'...just...fyi) but not right now. And mostly because he doesn't really feel sorry. I mean, he has told me he's sorry, but it is such a vague kind of "i'm-sorry-about-all-the-starving-children-in-china" kind of disconnected "i'm sorry", you know? Did that make sense? Just to be clear: he's not apologizing for starving children in China. I just mean that his "i'm sorry" to me feels like...like I'm not a real person so my 'hurt' is kind of vague and theoretical to him. OK. Perhaps that was more confusing...
Dang.

And Wonder Woman: I like that idea. Sometimes I just need to step outside of myself and get out of my 'this is my life' muck, you know? I think I may just take that bit of advice. Blondie brownies, mmmmmm.....

**Edited Post! I am a dork and typed "Saturday" instead of "Sunday" for church. Durrr. Thanks, BFF for pointing it out. Moco... ; )**

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sundays

"I can't seem to make it through Sundays. I can't seem to make it through Sundays. Monday through Saturday I get by just fine. Every other day of the week I feel all right, but, I don't know why--I don't know why..."
--Lucinda Williams

That pretty much sums it up.


If you haven't heard of Lucinda Williams, well you should get to know her. She's a little bit rock a little bit folk a little bit country. I heart her. And I don't listen to country. My favorite albums by her are 'lucinda williams' and 'car wheels on a gravel road' and 'sweet old world'.



Sundays are hard for me. I don't know why. Perhaps it is because he isn't there with us. Perhaps it is because I'm trying to avoid people asking me where Beloved is. Perhaps it is that so much of what is said on any given Sunday can apply to my situation. And I think "He knows this. How is he so far past caring?!" Perhaps it is that there are people there who love me and my family (and Beloved) and who understand my struggle and I feel safe, then, to just...be. Perhaps it is just nothing I can put my finger on.

But I just have a hard time on Sundays. And I don't want to come home. And I don't want to see him when I'm already down. But it's Sunday. And he wants to be with our kids. And our kids want to be with their parents. So it is here.

Friday a friend brought me some beautiful, sunny flowers. I was grateful for them on Friday. They were bright and cheery. Sunday I was even more grateful, since they sat in the middle of the table and at dinner I didn't have to see his face.

It's just...how I feel on Sundays. Like I just want to curl up with my kids and hunker down in a blanket and go to sleep...until Monday, and not have to bother with Beloved. Just for the day.


Monday, August 24, 2009

sorry

i just haven't felt much like i know what to write.

i appreciate your words. i really do.

i didn't mean to worry anyone, either.

i'll write tomorrow.

i really mean it.

promise.

gigi

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Call To Repentance, or I've Been Chastened

Dear Anonymous, Who Wrote This Comment on July 15th:

Did you ever think that this whole blog, though a nice way to vent, is in fact a very real form of your own "covenant breaking"?!? You promised to be faithful to him... and though he hasn't done the same for you, it doesn't make it right...not so much in line with that whole "turn the other cheek" concept, ya know. You should blog in a written book... because there are a lot of people reading this that know who you are, no matter how anon the blog is... and that fact means that you are publicly defaming your 'Beloved'... so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows... or at least all the people closest to him... You are digging your own grave, sistah. I'd stop while I was ahead if I was you. you are very much ironic. just like the pharasies. gotta love them Utah (Colorado) Mormons!July 15, 2009 11:30PM

First of all, I must apologize for not noticing the comment sooner. I didn't have the email alerts set up to tell me of a comment until a few weeks ago, after your comment was posted.

Now, I'd like to address your comment: Holy cow.

I found this comment a week ago and it has bothered me every day since. For a few reasons. One is a petty reason, and that is that it sounds like you know me and know who knows me on here. Which makes me sad that you didn't think that you could just tell me your concerns, because I would have appreciated that very much.

Another reason it bothered me is because I didn't think of it as breaking my covenants. I didn't feel that I was publicly defaming Beloved, either. Though if that is what someone saw, then maybe it is true. I tried to be honest and yet still loving and not blast Beloved. Though I see now that those who love Beloved just shake their heads when reading this blog and say "wow, poor Beloved" and send love his way. But those who do not know Beloved might read this blog and want to blast him.

I will say, that I have asked Beloved twice (maybe three times? I have to think...) if I should stop my blog. Both times Beloved has said that he understands I need to express what I am feeling and that it doesn't bother him.

I agree that the people closest to him know about the blog. But the only people whom I have given the address for this blog (of people in Beloved's life) are family members whom I would personally have been open with (and some with whom he has been open regarding this affair), and three very close friends (whom Beloved also knows about). It is out of concern for Beloved's embarrassment that I have not until a few days ago shared it with someone from my church. I can honestly say, however, that I do not truly know who reads this, as there have been some days when 50+ people stop by and I have no idea who they are. I just assume they are strangers...

I didn't think I was guilty of breaking my own covenants by keeping this blog. I really didn't. And if I have, then I am so terribly sorry. It is not what I ever meant to happen. I think that is clear. I hope that is clear. I am really trying to do everything right in this whole situation. I know that I am not perfect, and I see now that I have been failing more than I realized.

And for this reason, and also out of concern for your (very valid) point that what if Beloved wants to come back...etc., I am changing this blog's format/mood/content.

I will be going into my archives over the next few days and deleting some posts or portions of posts and summarizing them so as to give Beloved a little more privacy.

I will be shifting my focus from reporting and then telling about my feelings--to Just Me. It'll all be about me! (ok, that was supposed to be funny, but somehow it falls a little flat...)

I'll write this with an eye for...well, exactly what my subtitle says "and LDS woman's journal through her husband's infidelity"...I'll talk about my experience and feelings. Where I have to bring Beloved into things, for explanation, I might. I might not. We'll just have to see.

I must admit, that I started out with that goal. But as I wrote, and as people began to read (people who don't know Beloved) I felt like I had to justify why I am fighting for him. I felt like I had to show his words and his choices so I could explain why I know he is not himself right now. I really did. Perhaps I am a fool. Well, yeah. I think that is pretty obvious. BUT I mean, perhaps I was fooling myself in thinking that is what I was doing.

So no more. I really do love Beloved. And if he decides he wants to make things right, I want him to have the opportunity to do so. Without feeling like everyone and their uncle know his mistakes.

And, as I was talking to the Bishop Sunday about this 'need to justify' feeling, he said something that I've known for a long time, but never have been able to quite live: Don't worry about what other people think. Their opinions are colored by their personal experiences and the experiences of those around them. No one is YOU. No one knows what you have to do but you and God.

And so I have to apologize publicly, here, to Beloved. And to anonymous. And to anyone else I may have offended by blogging my heart out, here. I am sorry for not protecting Beloved as I should have. I am sorry that there are many posts that read like the script from a soap opera and not like a journal of my feelings. I hope you can forgive me and know I totally did it without thinking of the problems it might cause. And I will try to make it right, in whatever way I am able.

OK. So, talk is cheap. Now I need to act. I'll be going through my posts soon. For now, it is the middle of the night and this was weighing on me, so I needed to get up and get it out. I'll be going back to bed, now.

Thanks.

Gigi.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

OK. That was a reference to the Eagles. No particular reason. Just that the word peaceful is in the song.

Although, now that I think of it...Desperado...

Oh. Man, am I going on a tangent today or what?

I've been taking it easy the past few days. I have enjoyed the peaceful feeling I have felt. I'm not looking for it to go away any time soon.

And yet, I wonder. How long can this last? But I've decided not to marr the peace I feel by worrying how long until it goes away?

I've felt this before. It's a calm before a storm. So I'm going to enjoy it. Enjoy my kids. Rest up. Rejuvenate myself for the next step in this process.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Angels in Yellow Rubber Gloves

Did you know that angels carry paper towels, tilex, 409, and clorox? It's true. I can prove it. Because Tuesday an army of angels, otherwise known as beautiful women from my church, descended upon my home and made it sparkle and shine.

Monday two angels-on-earth came by to see what I needed. When I said nothing, they said, 'no, really. what can we do.' and I thought about how I feel so overwhelmed at the idea of trying to get the house back in working order again. And they said, "That's what we thought. You need some peace. How about we get some people over here tomorrow?" Ok. I'm totally paraphrasing. But it was something like that.

It was badly in need of a good scrub down, let me tell you. On one hand it was terribly embarrassing to have them come in and clean my house. And terribly humbling to allow them in the first place. I haven't done any housework since I found out all of this was going on. And even in June my house was beginning to look like I'd have to pray the health board doesn't stop by.

So imagine how it looked after weeks of me feeling no desire to clean. No brain power to waste, er, spend (can someone teach me how to do the crossing out type?!) on organization or, you know, anything.

Think "How Clean Is Your House?" I know. It's disgusting. I used to watch that show and think, "I'd never let my house get like that." and yet, here I was.

The most embarrasing thing was when one of the ladies (super awesome and one of those people who I just know has never had a layer of dust or...other stuff...anywhere in her home) was cleaning the floor in my room and asked if I had a pet because the floor had so much hair on it. I was too embarrassed to say that my hair has been falling out by the handful lately. (I'm nursing and under stress. you do the math) So I told her no, but that we did used to. Which we did. But not for a long time. I was just so mortified. I know. I hate that I lied about it. But, seriously, I haven't vacuumed that floor in months. And there was enough to... I dunno. I'm tired, people. I can't think of what I'd do with about a gallon of hair... OK. Not that I'd actually do something with a gallon of hair...I'm not a lunatic.

OK. And there go some of my readers right now. **waving bye-bye sadly**

Anyway. They cleaned every bit of my home. And didn't leave until I had dealt with the piles. They were just what I needed.

Thank you to the women who came to my home. Miss S, Miss Ad, Miss R, Miss Ma, Miss An, Miss Mi, Miss T. I love you all. I know you don't read this, but here is a little love being sent out into the universe on your behalf.
**the sound of a big kiss**

Gigi.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

We are fine...

I need to thank you all for your prayers on my family's behalf. God heard them, let me tell you.

All afternoon I felt peaceful. Then I started to panic. 'Why do I feel peaceful? Why aren't I freaking out? Shouldn't I feel sick to my stomach?'

And then I thought, 'Ok, Gigi, if you are feeling peaceful, it is a gift from Heavenly Father, so just take it and be thankful for it.' And so I was. I still prayed for my kids. I still asked you all for your prayers. (Thank you for them!!!)
But tonight, my children were at peace as well.

Beloved expressed his love for them and then explained that he is living at a friend's house. That he moved some things over there while we were gone and that he will be sleeping there from now on and that if they want him to, he'd like to come over every day, and if they don't want to see him, he won't come over, and if they are scared and want him in the middle of the night, he'll come then, too.

Big Girl kept looking back and forth at me and him. I just tried to send her love, because I was most worried about her. Big Boy just sat and listened quietly. Beloved said that they can ask him questions any time and if they feel like being alone they can tell him, and if they are angry they can tell him that, too. Big Girl asked, 'when are you coming back?' And Beloved answered, 'I don't know. I just don't know.' And Big Girl said, 'ok.' He reminded them that he loves them and this has nothing to do with how much he loves them, etc.

Big Boy said, 'ok.'
Big Girl said, 'ok.
Baby Girl (4) twirled around the room. (Beloved had to repeat the conversation with her later, as she wasn't listening at all.)
Baby Boy (1) is too young to know anything.

After the talk was over and a little while later I was alone and I prayed because I was confused (see, I'm a little thick sometimes) that they weren't crying and all. And I felt like, for a moment I could feel what their hearts felt like and I could feel that Heavenly Father had done for them what he had done for me that first night and had cushioned their hearts and held them up so it doesn't hurt so bad.

Big Boy seemed releaved to know what was going on. Big Girl, I am going to watch, but I think she had a feeling it was coming. There have been things she has said to me. I should post about that, shouldn't I? (Note to self...)

Do I think that there will be times that they cry and carry on and are angry? Sure. Heck, I do it, why shouldn't they? But I am thankful for right now. I think that is all I can really do right now: Be thankful for the blessings when they come, and then face the next challenge. It's pretty much new every day.

I want to thank you all for your love and prayers. I really feel them.

Sending out an SOS

Pray for me and my kids.

Pray for Beloved, too.

He's telling the kids he's moving out tonight.

Gigi.

Facebook Drama

**edited to add some more responses. the asterisks will divide the added portion from the original post.**

So, I signed on to FB and I saw that little number up in the top that means you have something in your inbox...don't you love that?! I totally do.
Anyway. I open it up and see HER face staring at me. She sent me a message. This is what it said:

No need to have FIL do your dirty work. I am sure he has better things to do other than monitor me and cc you. I have deleted him from my friend list. By the way thank you so much for having your friends and family (whoever it was) send me those lovely texts...Not sure that I was aware that good mormon people talked that way....

I responded with this, because I did not know what the heck she was talking about at the time (I had just signed on):

Hi, um, I don't understand about FIL doing my dirty work. Didn't YOU seek out the friendship with him?

I'm sorry if the text hurt your feelings. But you have to admit, what you are doing (being a homewrecker, adulterer, etc) is disgusting and by all standards wrong.

As for the language. I am not sure what was said. I am assuming you were called a slut or something. Sorry about that. Obviously I have no control over my friend's language than I have over my husband's actions. ;)

I feel I need to interject here with an explanation that someone asked for her cell phone number. I gave it to that person in a weak moment. Then when Beloved decided (yes, as much as he doesn't see it, he decided) to go to LA after I explained that he wouldn't have a family to return to, I said, 'ok.' and that person used daughter's boyfriend's cell to text Shannon. (Incidentally, he's not LDS--not like THAT matters...I know a few people LDS or Non who could make Sailor's blush!) I wonder if he sent more after the first text was sent from the other person...?

Then I saw my FIL had emailed me with "oops" and then I went back to FB and saw his message there, which said that he was going to unfriend 'said person' but then thought about it and decided that since she sometimes posts stuff he'd just watch and see what she does. And if he has a conversation with her, he'd let me know what was said. So then I understood what she was talking about and sent her this:

Oh. I just saw the comment Dad put in response to my wall post. Now I understand. And you have misunderstood what he and I talked about. I didn't want him to un-friend you and I didn't want him to monitor you. I just wasn't sure what the nature of your relationship with him was, and that is what happened.

Truly, I don't want to spy on you. I don't even have any malice toward you. Others, now...that I cannot account for. As you, apparently, can attest to (the text you received).

But YOU--I pray for. YOU I hope find peace. And of course I pray for the same for my husband.

Gigi

Let her go on about what a b*&#$ I am.
Let her do whatever.

I know who I am.

**************************************************
This is what I found upon opening FB again:

I knew this day would come and I refuse to get into a verbal war with you. I don't have the time or the interest. I don't make decisions for Beloved nor do I have control over his actions.

As far as the name calling...it's merely name calling. But, you in fact gave them my number for reasons only to harass me....You should have just text me yourself or better yet called me.

I know what kind of person I am and I don't have problems sleeping at night. It's too bad actually, you will never get the chance to know ME for who I am and I will never get the opportunity to know YOU for who you are. I do feel that we both are good people and life has not turned out the way we had planned for it to. Funny thing is...I might could have actually got along with you had we met under different circumstances....

Are you truly sorry for your sister calling me a diseased cunt, dirty whore and that I will rot in hell? I can't imagine you are so please don't apologize for something that you don't mean.This will be the last time you hear from me. You can send all the texts, chats, etc. that you need to in order to make yourself feel better. They really don't phase me...Good Bye! :)

Now. I Know I probably should have just ignored that, but this is what I wrote.

Just remember. I didn't contact you. You contacted me. I'm not in for a war of any kind.

And yes, that was a disgusting thing to call you. I am sorry for it. I am glad we will have no further contact. And if you can sleep at night, that is good.

Still praying for you.

Gigi

I don't understand how she thought I was in for a 'verbal fight'. I thought my response was honest and kind.

Another weird thing: I felt like I had read that letter before. Especially the whole 'we could have been friends under different circumstances' and 'you don't know the real me' parts. But it was just, icky deja vu.

Monday, August 10, 2009

OK...Breathe...Breathe...Easy, Tiger!

OK. First of all, Thank you to Sweet Ash for talking me down from my ledge of insanity. (Red, no worries. It's a figurative ledge...;o)

She helped me see that there may be something more to it and that it is easy enough just to wait for FIL to return my call or call him again to find out what exactly is going on with him friending her on FB. (also, thank you to all the commenters who reminded me of the same thing. sorry you don't get credit, Ash beat you to the punch. *wink*)

OK. sorry I had to take another moment to breathe.

So FIL called me and I was able to talk to him for the first time about this whole...Beloved and me...thing. I don't know what else to call it.

He said that SHE requested to be his friend and he answered back, "Sure, Now, who are you?" and she said something about being from C...the town they lived in when Beloved went to High School.

He swears he hasn't talked to her or had any kind of conversations with her beyond that. I don't know if I totally believe him, but I want to. So I'm kind of torn.

We did have a very nice talk. I told him why it upset me so, that I don't know what is going through his head and is he thinking, "oh, my new daughter, I guess I'll get to know her..." Which kind of surprised him. He told me not to think that. And then we talked for a little while longer. He asked me what is happening now, since he hasn't talked to Beloved in a long time. I told him.

I felt better after talking to him. I am not sure if he won't try to contact her now, but I can't exactly stop him from doing it. Like we all know, agency is agency. The only one I can control is me. So there we have it. At least he knows that I feel it would be a betrayal for him to begin a relationship with her now. And how I feel in general.

Sweet thing--he said he felt so blindsided by this. I said, 'yeah. me, too!'
Everyone does.

Beloved was (and I know inside--deep--he still is) the most incredible man. Good and loving and giving and kind and genuinely wanted to do what was right and what was pleasing to God. Two friends stopped by today. Both of them said the same thing, that they would have been less shocked and surprised if their own husbands had done this, than Beloved. They could not understand how Beloved would do this.

And neither can I in some ways. But some days...some moments I can see things--just glimpses--so clearly. And I feel like we are right where we are supposed to be: In the refiner's fire. But do we make it out of the fire purified and gleaming? I hope so.

The hardest part of this is seeing the pain in his eyes. Those moments when he lets me in...like tonight. And I just want to lie down and weep for him.

It is like...I feel as though...


I have witnessed an angel fall.



LIVID

I am not sure what this means, but my father in law is friends with Shannon on Facebook.
I feel so betrayed. I mean, C'MON!!!

Seriously. I'm shaking...

Oversight

**before I begin, I'd like to point out that this is the second post of the day. please see below for a post about your comments and the commenters**

It has come to my attention that there has been a SEVERE oversight on my part.

When discussing my trip (you know, the one where I got away to keep my sanity) I neglected to tell you all that I first stayed with some super people who I am related to. But that isn't what makes them super. No, they are super all on their own. And especially one. You know her, but I won't out her here if she doesn't want that. Ahem.

It is she and her darling daughters who introduced me to Baby Mama and the joys of So You Think You Can Dance (which I never saw until we watched it together). Yeah. I'm a little obsessed with SYTYCD now. So, thanks for that.

She let me talk when I needed to let stuff off my chest, and she just loved me the rest of the time. Which is exactly what I needed. She really has been an angel to me. Her whole family. Seriously, people. I am so blessed.

Hugs to you. (You know who you are!)

Wow. Lots of Comments.

First of all, to anonymous (#1) in "Of Bridges and Wings....":
Really? Is he cute? Tell me more...
KIDDING, people. But, no really, hang onto him for me. ; )

@ Anonymous (#2) of the same post:
Thanks for your advice. Really. I have been thinking the same thing. I need to get an idea of my options. Look into custody issues and child support, as well. But now I wonder who you are.... Sisters....hmmm...

@ MamaFace in "clarification of the letter"
I'm trying to take care of me. I'm lucky to have such good little kidlets, so they make life easier that way. Um, I am going to the temple weekly to re-center myself. Yeah. Maybe I need to be better about taking care of myself. Right now I'm not sure what that entails. I don't spend all day crying or anything. I'll have to think...

From "The Story, or Most of It":
@Savant: actually, it looks like most of his family know, now. Somehow... And, yeah. I have days when I feel like smashing a few...things.

@ Alicia: Amen (and thanks for saying you'd vote for me...if I ever run for office I'll hold you to it!)

@Mimi: Oh, you have no idea. There are some pretty terrifying things that go through my head sometimes. I'm just lucky I haven't acted on them. I don't really fancy prison.

@WonderWoman: Yeah. I think it'd be a good idea for him to keep a journal of the two (I'm sure, polarities) conversations. Originally (in the very beginning) he thought keeping a journal would be a good idea, but now he's all, 'what's the point'.

@jmn2001: I would really like to take you up on that Kayaking offer. Oh, and I had a conversation with Beloved about Craig, Shannon's husband. And I asked him, "How do you know she isn't feeding you lies about him, the way you are feeding her lies about me?" And he answered, "Well, I don't. But, she wouldn't do that." To which I responded (with a smirk), "Right. Because she's your 'soul-mate'." I know! So naughty.... And you are one of my favorite people, too. Why do you think I keep trying to squeeze my way into your family?!

@ Penelope: Much of his family now knows, and those who have spoken with him, unfortunately, have about as much luck talking sense to him as I have.
As for the leaving: well, he's going to have to do that. He knows the rules, and so he moved out. So, at least there's that. I do think you may have something about the 'getting sick' thing. My hair is falling out at an alarming rate...
OH, and Shannon totally knows we have a family. And little ones. They exchanged pictures. Isn't that sweet?! Oh, and if you are wondering what kind of woman she is, obviously, see the post about texting with her.

@Mimi from "Quick Note...": Dude. I love snark. I'm ok with you all telling me what you think. I just need to maintain my 'unsnarkiness'. Am I making sense? I shouldn't be blogging so late at night....

@Eloh from "Texting With...": Happy to have you! I love unicorns, too! ; )

@Mimi and Wonder Woman: Yeah. I've been trying to be nice about her this whole time, but really, I think you may be onto something. Certainly your words are better/kinder than what my sister calls her...

Of Heartbreak and Homecoming:
@Eloh: Sure, I'll answer them: 1. I have no idea if Shannon reads this. 2. She has 1 child with her husband and 2 stepchildren. Though, on his avon webpage he says he has 8 kids, so maybe she doesn't count those ones... 3. She left him a few weeks ago and is living in an apartment up the street from the family home. 4. I am debating that very thing...contacting Mr. H (her husband).

OK. About the whole ANNIVERSARY thing: @Red, I am hoping you aren't upset about the misunderstanding. And I am so sorry that you went through such a painful experience. Really, I am.

@Savant: Thanks! That actually cheered me today.

@eloh: I'm a total dork. Grand Torino? Huh? And where did you go 'visiting'? Seriously. 'Splain me, Lucy.

@Alicia: Holy cow. I think that is way more credit than I deserve. But, thanks. Really.

@Johnson: Thanks! Love you!

@Mimi: I think it will. I'm hanging onto that!

@Anne: Well, you know. I emailed you. Thank you for your love for me and Beloved

@WonderWoman: I agree, he is worth it. Aren't we all? But I understand what Red is saying, too. And thank you for that sweet reminder, WW!

@Karen: Glad to have you! And I'm trying, so thank you.

OK, ALL OF YOU!

I LOVE YOU.

Thank you for your comments. Snarky or sweet. Love them all.

And those lurkers out there...yeah, you know who you are...I'd like to point out that I personally know only 4 of these women. So leave a little note. Don't be shy.

Gigi.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Happy Anniversary...To Me.

Today, Sunday August 9th
it is 12 years that Beloved and I have been married.
On our living room wall is a picture of us on our wedding day.
I wish I could go back in time and...what? Warn her?
NO. I wouldn't change our life together.
And not that I could do anything differently, I don't think,
that would result in him not falling in with her.
Except perhaps, Facebook.
But, then again, FB isn't to blame.
Because who's to say he wouldn't have looked her up on his own someday?
If it's true that he never got over her all these years.
I don't know.
I have to keep going.
Right now I think of going to church tomorrow,
and seeing my friends,
seeing the kids I teach,
and I don't want to get out of bed.
Is that awful?
Yeah. Probably.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
And that will get me nowhere.
So buck up, girl.
Don't forget who you are.
You are stronger than this.
And where you aren't strong, God will make you strong.
Look at all He has done so far.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Heartbreak and Homecoming

I'm home. Drove in late last night. Beloved was at the house waiting for us (I had told him we were coming).



Walking into the home made me feel ill. It felt so empty and cold, though it was probably 80 degrees inside (we have no central air). I was OK seeing Beloved, though I will admit I was nervous to see him. It wasn't that bad. Or would've been easier if I could just shake that weird feeling in my home.



It wasn't until two hours later, as the kids were in jammies and we were reading scriptures as a family and prayed that I realized what the empty feeling was. And I realized it because I felt the moment that it shifted back into feeling like my home. The Spirit had left my home in our absence. It was such a tangible thing when it/he (I never know the right pronoun there) reentered my home. Then I felt peaceful again.



The kids were so excited to see Beloved. But Beloved was even more happy to see them. He would periodically grab the closest child up into a bear hug and not let go for a long while. I must admit I was glad to see it...that he missed them.



We talked after the kids were in bed and before he left. I reiterated that I don't hate him. He said he didn't think that anymore, but that he has thought that. And I asked when and he said when I have hit him or gotten angry at him. I told him that there is a difference between rebuking him and hating him. Then he said that he just thinks I should hate him. And I said, "I think the only person who hates you...is you." Because noone in MY family hates him. Are they disappointed and have their hearts been broken by one they loved, admired and trusted so deeply? Yes. But not one of them hates him.



I asked him if he is happy and he said, "No."

And I asked, 'why not' and he said, "I'm not miserable. Being without the kids was miserable. But. There's just no way I can ever be truly happy again. You can't have everything you want."



To which I replied, "Especially if one of them is a bad thing."



He kind of smirked at that, like he was thinking, 'yeah, i know you think that, but you don't know what i know'.


And then I asked him if he thought his relationship with her is a good thing.



And he said, "What do you mean, 'good'? Is it of God? No. Because I can never have with her what I have with you. (I need to clarify on his behalf that what he meant was an eternal marriage--being married in an LDS temple) But, when you are so miserable and then something makes you happy. Isn't that a good thing?"



So I said, "You were miserable?"



And he said "Yes"



And I asked for how long and he responded, 'for a year and a half, maybe two years'



And I asked him why he never said anything. To which he responded that he tried, or thought he did. Then he felt the need to clarify that he wasn't blaming me for it. Which is good, because I know this isn't about me. And I told him so. He kind of looked funny which made me think he didn't quite mean that he didn't blame me. Just that he didn't want me to feel that he was blaming me. You get the difference?



Then I asked him what made him so unhappy. I could list a handful of things that I think were making him unhappy, but he only pointed to one: his job. Long story short his company is really poorly run and even though he is the best at what he does, they continually screw him over. It gets kind of tiresome to be overlooked continually, or flat-out mistreated. Then he added, 'and then there were things that I felt I should have been getting from home and I wasn't' and then he looked at me and said, again, 'I'm not saying it's your fault'

To which I responded, "Good. Cuz I know that it's not."

And he looked at me (with that weird look again) and said, "you do? good. because I'm not saying that I blame you in any way for this"



But here I must interject "Methinks thou dost protest too much". Am I right? BTW, I know I misquoted that, but just deal with it, people. Back to what I was saying: It sure seems like for someone who 'doesn't blame me' he keeps mentioning it. And even if he doesn't realize he's blaming me, I am pretty sure he is. Because when I said, this:

"And even if there was something I wasn't giving you that you needed, it is still your responsibility as my husband to say something. Because, really, our happiness is kind of our responsibility."

...he looked like he didn't know what to think. Then he said, 'yeah i guess that's true', though unconvincingly.



See, I am pretty sure he compares me to Shannon pretty regularly in his mind. I mean, think about it. If I wasn't giving him what he needed, but she, by virtue of 'just knowing' every morsel of his soul, can give it to him, then it is a failing on my part and therefore MY fault. Am I right?



See, the thing is. I'm not buying into that. I don't think it is my failing at all. Because part of being in a relationship is opening yourself up to that other person. And that takes effort. And that he 'didn't even want to' do that with me...well, that isn't exactly my fault. It's his. Because I'm an open book to him, and I like to think that my heart would have been a safe place to entrust all those 'dark parts' of him that he thought would be so scary to me. Please. I don't think he realizes the things I know about him. There is nothing that he doesn't now know about me, and that is because I trusted him and shared myself with him. Well, maybe that's not accurate to say. Because now he has no idea who I am. Anymore.


OK. So, I'm a little emotional. I think I'm allowed to be right now. I just watched the preview for 'the time travelers wife'. I loved the book. But dangit, the preview just made me cry. I don't know. When she said, "What do you want to talk about? How bad it feels to sit here and wait for you?" I just crumbled.


You see. Before I left, before I took that running leap (I'm sure there will be many more to come) to get away and--I know I keep saying it, but--breathe again--Before I did that he left. He fasted and prayed Sunday and in the end he felt the answer he received was that he needs to know what it is like to live without his kids. When he said it I actually felt good about it. Mainly because I knew I was leaving in just two days...without telling him...and I felt immediately (once he told me he was going to leave that night after the kids fell asleep) that it was better that he did the leaving first. I can't ever let him think that I did the leaving or that I forced his hand in any way. This has to be ALL HIM. His choices.


Anyway. He left that night. Sunday night. In the middle of the night Big Boy woke up and came into my room. I sleep with a body pillow. That night I had shoved it into the bed where Beloved sleeps. When Big Boy came in I shoved it further under the covers and hoped he thougth it was daddy. Then I thought, "how sick is this?! this is what Beloved wants me to keep up until he decides what he wants for real?!" So he knows now that he will be explaining to the kids (in a way that they can understand--and I'll be there) that he is living somewhere else and why.

I'm not looking forward to that. He's out of town visiting his big brother and sister-in-law. They just found out what is going on and are being Switzerland right now. I'm glad for it.

We'll tell the kids Tuesday night. Ugh. Pray for my kids. And me. And him, that we can say the words...those awful words...in ways that they can understand. And pray that it won't crush them.

I don't know what will happen next. How often he can come over. He says he wants to be here every day. But, I don't know that the kids will want to see him every day. I don't know anything right now.

I'm getting nervous and my heart starts to race just thinking of Monday night, having to wait one more time for the kids to fall asleep so that he can creep out of the house.

Because--and now I can't even see the screen to type. Because I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye over and over again. I don't want to have to keep being left. And I feel like watching him leave those few nights that I have had to...just crushes me a little bit more. Is it going to be like this every night until he decides to flee to Cali to be with her? I don't know. I don't want it to feel that way. I want to...not...care, I guess.

And yet, how do I not let it hurt me, and still. be. me?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Texting With The Other Woman

I almost titled this post 'texting with the devil' but I think that might be overstating things a bit, don't you? ; )

So, as I said in a previous post, I texted with Shannon while we were on vacation.

Since I had taken his phone (again, if you don't remember, see the link to the post above) he said he needed to at least text her so he could tell her to stop texting and calling. I said I'd do it. And I did.

I said, "Hi Shannon, this is [Gigi]. No more texts or calls for a little while, ok? Thanks. Oh, and I'm glad you feel better after the workout."

Now. I don't know if you can see it, hidden as it is, but I am pretty sure I mentioned who was typing the text in the body of the text.

Anyway. The responding text was, "I love you and I miss you!" which I found very flattering, as we have never met. KIDDING. I was like, 'um, can you read?'

SO I responded with, "Like I said, no more texts or calls for a little while. Thanks, [Gigi]"

And she texts back "huh? Is that meant for me?"

And then, I type the first text all. over. again. Which was difficult since his phone and I are not compatible and I can't type as fast on his as I can on mine.

And she says, "This is [Gigi]? Well, OK, does he know you have his phone and are texting me?"

And I answered that yes, he did, that he was right in the room holding Baby Boy (though he did walk out of the room as I was finishing up the text) and he asked me to text her because Sister felt strongly that he could not cheat on me in their home.

To which she responded, "Hmm, yeah. I highly doubt he asked you to do this. I completely respect what you are asking, but unless I hear his voice telling me to stop I'm going to KEEP texting him and telling him I miss him and I love him."

So I just said, "do what you want" because I didn't feel like saying anything else.

Then Beloved, when I told him she wasn't being so nice said, "lets just take out the battery, already!" So we did. I kept the phone, he kept the battery.

The really weird thing about the experience (aside from, you know, texting with my husbands girlfriend) was that I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO SAY BEFORE SHE SAID IT. Seriously. I felt the words of each text come into my mind before I even read it.

Weird, right? It was the ickiest kind of deja vu I've ever experienced. Not that I've experienced a great many deja vu of the icky variety. You know what I mean.

OH, and before I get you 'all up in my bidness' (that was for you, BFF and MamaFace!--and all you other Baby Mama fans) about being nice to her in the texts: Yes, I could have said, 'B*&@#, leave him alone. He's with his family, you blankity-blank-blank.' But I DIDN'T. See how I'm a nice person? Who says I'm not nice? I ask you.

Oh, and I also didn't say that because...well, I cannot imagine actually saying that to someone. Ever. Sorry. That's what my big sister is for. ; ) LOVE YOU, SAM!!!

Gigi.

***Um, I am a HUGE dork and realized about 2 minutes ago that I typed my real name in here like 3 times! Hellooo. So much for anonymity. I've changed it now. Sheesh. ***

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Quick Note--and Wow! 2 Posts in less than 24 hours!

After going back and reading some of my recent posts, I am embarrassed by my tone.

Some of the posts sound so...biting, or sassy. Not the cute kind of sassy. The kind where your mom says, 'don't sass me, girl'. That kind. I don't like that at all.

I don't really feel much anger about this whole thing. Some may say that I should feel more. But, I don't. I mean, I DO feel some sometimes, but I really try not to let it grow or fester. Hmm. Grow or Fester. Two very different verbs...both accurate descriptions about what anger can do in our hearts.

Anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, please do not judge me by my most recent posts. I think this 'time to breathe' and 'girl time' has been a little too 'Steel Magnolias' for my blogging attitude. If that makes any sense. It probably doesn't.

But this is how I really feel:

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." 1 John 4:7

I stumbled across this scripture a few weeks ago while teaching the kids at church. Stopped me in my tracks and I had to regain my composure before continuing my lesson...on love and families. I know, right?! Anyway. THAT is how I feel. Not sass. Well, unless you mean the cute kind. ; )


Monday, August 3, 2009

The Story...or most of it.

So as most of you know, Beloved and I took the kids on holiday for a week to visit family (Beloved's side).

We seemed to get along and have a good time for most of it. Beloved did bring his phone. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't feel like starting our vacation out with a disagreement, so I didn't push the issue. Which, I think was part of the problem, because, if I don't speak up about something, then Beloved feels it is completely within the bounds of 'what is ok behavior' right now. Or maybe 'to what lengths can I push this' is more like it. Honestly, I don't know.
Back to my story.

So we bounced around from hotel to Beloved's aunt's home, back to Beloved's brother's home for the first three nights. While we were at Auntie's house I sent Big Girl to get daddy so we could say family prayer before bed. She said he was busy on his cell phone. When I asked who he was talking to she said she didn't know and that he had pushed her out of the bedroom and closed the door. So I asked her to go back and tell him that we are waiting. Auntie was right there, so I tried to make it seem like no-big-deal.

When he finally came out to the living room Auntie had left and I asked him if he was talking to 'her' and he replied 'what? no! like I would be that blatant about it and call her from Auntie's home!' And I said, 'no, but you'd be sneaky about it.' Then after a few moments, I said, 'You are going to lose your family' and he said, 'I know.' and then he reassured me that he had not been talking to her, had just been checking his messages.

The next day we went to Brother's house to stay for a few days, just he and I and Baby Boy. The other kids stayed with Auntie.

We got there late and went right to bed. Baby Boy and I slept in the guest bedroom (a twin bed and a playpen--so only room for the two of us), and Beloved slept in the living room on the couch.

The next day I saw that Beloved left his phone in my bedroom. He kept going in there to check it. I know because I kept doing the same. Then late in the afternoon I thought to look at the call history. Yeah.

Beloved had called her in the middle of the night from Brother's living room and talked for over an hour. I was livid.

I confronted him about it. Not my finest hour. I actually hit him. Again. Ugh. I thought that the first time I hit him would be the only time I ever struck him, and yet I did it again. I was so disgusted with him and so angry that I just had no self control. It is something I regret...again.

He wanted me to keep it quiet. Don't make a big deal of it here, we don't need to bring Brother and Sister into it, etc. I walked away and then came back and said that the new rule would have to be that when he was home, the phone lives in my pocket, and why should I hide it from them, they already know what a bastard he's being to me.

I KNOW! I KNOW! This behavior is SO not me! I lost it. There is no explanation other than I could not keep it together any longer. Later, when Beloved reprimanded me for bringing it into their home (besides the fact that he brought it into their home by calling her in the first place--which he acknowledged, but was still angry with me for doing it) I could only say (as sorry as I was--because I was/am sorry) that I've held it together for so long. I just...couldn't...any longer. It all came spewing out like lava. Maybe because it was safe. Maybe because the kids weren't there to hear. Maybe becuase I felt the support of Brother and Sister. I don't know. In any case, I let it be known that he had called her.

Brother took him outside to talk with him. I went back to the room and listened to the voice messages. Some sounded...well, suspicious is all I can say right now. I did promise Beloved not to reveal certain things.

I confronted him again. And hit him. AGAIN. I--I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so sorry.

It was then that I went back into the room and read through the texts. And texted with Shannon. More on that later...another post. **NOTE: I have posted about it now and have inserted a link. Yay, me! I'm learning how to do this blogging stuff! Anyway. Back to the story**

I was sick.

I knew reading that stuff would bother me. It is why I NEVER did it until that night. And, oh, people, WHOEVER is reading this: It was awful. It was then that I found out his plans for LA., and other things that I won't discuss.

But it hurt. So much of it does still. And I just...besides the stuff that was about their feelings for each other, the way he talked about me was like I am this evil woman always looking for a fight. Someone he needs rescuing from. And it hurt me. It did.

Silly, isn't it? That reading his words to her that she is 'the most exquisitely gorgeous woman in the entire world' and that he loves her beyond anything else did nothing to me. Because I know what he feels for her is not truth. But that line of 'Gigi was looking for a fight tonight. You'd be so proud. I didn't give in' cut me deep. There were several texts I read that showed me to be in need of humbling, harsh, mean, etc.

I have shown him patience and love. I have been willing to forgive. I have been supportive and kind.
Have I stood up for myself? Yes. Twice. The times that I have been harsh to him are here for all to see. There have been no others.

It felt like just another betrayal. Small, perhaps, to some. But to me, it felt like...my character is...I don't know. How do I express this? Either he believes those things about me or he is lying about me. Either way is not good. I told him how I felt about it--later, when things had calmed down.
And he told me he realized it wasn't fair to me, but that she wanted so badly to hate me (and i quote, 'anyone in her position would want to, it's understandable') and so he obliges her.

Yeah. That didn't make me feel any better. He apologized and told me he would no longer misrepresent me, etc. I would like to interject here that later when he got home and told her all that was said and after all the texts had been erased, he came back with, 'but you know. i never really misrepresented you. so...' Which makes me think that Shannon talked him into that 'realization' or rationalization...rather.

We talked for a long time that night. I told him then that if he went to LA that...well, you already know.

I felt inspired to challenge him to change his music for a while. Music is really strong and powerful in him. He notices music everywhere and can recognize musical scores from movies he's seen just once. I challenged him to choose music for a while that only helps him feel closer to God and closer to His Spirit. He said he liked that idea, and accepted it.

We talked about so much. Things I really can't recall (it's 1:30 in the morning right now--maybe tomorrow I'll remember).

I do remember telling him that love is of God. And true love would never lead someone to do bad things. What he feels is a perversion of love. It feels real, but it leads only to bad things.

It seemed like a light went on for him at that moment.

It is sad to see how quickly it burned out.

The next day was hard. So hard for me. And the thing I hate most of all is the way Beloved walks around (anytime after we have a long talk or discussion) looking like a kicked puppy. I hate it for two reasons. One, I don't want to see him looking so wounded and forlorn. But, Two (and this is entirely selfish and wrong-thinking--I'm trying to get rid of it) I feel like 'Excuse me? I am the one who is getting screwed over here. I'm the puppy who has been kicked in the belly. Not you.'

I tried to keep it together, to keep from crying the next day. But in the afternoon I needed to go for a walk just so I could let it out. It was then that I decided to leave for a while. I knew I couldn't just sit around waiting till the 25th to find out what his choice would be. And the next day I made my plans.

So that is about it. If I remember more, I'll tell you.

I kept the phone--without the battery--until the night before Beloved went back to work. That's a story in itself. But that one will have to wait. I need some sleep.

I'll have to do the comments later. Sorry.