I notice that I'm not terribly clear in my posts. I know what I am trying to say, and I just assume others do too. So I figure that is something I need to work on...
Anyway, I'll clarify a little as I answer some of the comments from my 'Sundays' post.
Beloved is still going to church. Just not our home ward. He is going to the ward that is near his new place. He doesn't want to face the people in our ward (as I understand it) because he'll be wondering who knows and who is looking at him wall-eyed and who is going to say something to him about it. Which, I think is funny, because I can't imagine anyone saying anything to him about it. None of our friends are like that.
[funny side note about people at church coming up and talking to him: Three weeks after I found out what was happening, I made him go to church with us, and immediately after Sacrament meeting (LDS church meetings are 3 hours long on Sundays, consisting of a sacrament service with everyone all together, then a sunday school hour and then an hour where the men meet together in their quorums, the women meet together, the young women , the young men, etc.) a gentleman came up to Beloved, shook his hand and said, "Beloved, I've got to know what you are doing. You have got to tell me right now." Beloved just blanched. He looked ill. The guy must have seen the look on his face and so he continued (after a long pause) "...'cause I am trying to lose weight and it just isn't working. How much have you lost, man?!" The color rushed back into Beloved's face and he talked about how he's lost 40 lbs and that he's been working out, etc. That, as far as I know, is the closest anyone has come to 'confronting' him. And that wasn't even confronting him! It was just poor word choice by someone who knew absolutely nothing about the situation. Which was pretty funny, if you ask me.]
And I didn't mean that people are being nosey about the situation. It's more that, well, Beloved is one of those people who are...beloved. There was always some brother stopping him to talk BYU football (Beloved's other religion) and some young man or young woman stopping Beloved in the hall to chat (he taught early morning seminary for about 2 years) or something. I tease him that it is usually the wife who is the reason families are so slow in leaving after church because the women are always talking, but for us he is the one in the halls chatting it up with everyone. People notice he isn't there.
And I don't feel embarrassed by this situation I find myself in. It's funny:
Rocky, you said you are trying to get me to stop apologizing. I don't know who you are, but guess what...I apologize wayyyy too much. I always have. I tend to take responsibility for everything. Things that I have no control over I still feel like "maybe there is something I could have done...maybe it is because I'm a rotten person...maybe if I had only (fill in the blank)". In high school my friends little brother knocked some girl up and I felt somehow guilty for it. I know. Ridiculous, but there you have it. It's me. Somehow it is my own failings that cause the sorrow in this world.
Now, when I should really feel the weight of those emotions crushing down on me--I don't. I admit there have been mistakes I made, and I intend not to make them again. But embarrasment, shame, self-consciousness? I don't feel it.
Now, do I feel guilty for those whose stomachs ache because of what I am going through? TOTALLY. I had a friend tell me tonight that she thinks about me every day, all day. I said 'I'm so sorry'. Because: I get that I have to deal with this, and occasionally feel sick or angry or grieve over it. But that's 'cuz it's my life. But that others have to feel that way...I just feel awful. And yet, this isn't my fault. Or is it? If I weren't so darn loveable... Kidding. Totally kidding.
I don't want them to go to his place because it's just one room in his friend's basement that he lives in. Beloved originally asked if he could have the kids take turns having sleepovers with him. One or two at a time, because they'd have to hang out in his room or something like that. I said no. Just...no. I remember going to see my dad some weekends and feeling so sorry for him to see how he was living. And he had his own apartment...not...a room in someone's basement. I just, hated that feeling. I can see Big Girl totally internalizing it like I did at that age. So not good.
And, frankly, it's Sunday. They are my kids. I want to be with them. And truthfully I want Beloved to be able to spend Sunday with us. It's just that some days are harder than others, you know?
And I don't "hate dealing with" Beloved or his "crap". Well, I am sick of it. But it isn't an angry sort of feeling. It's more...like, "ugh, are we still doing this?"
And I would love an apology (btw, Rocky--I love the words 'profuse' and 'profusely'...just...fyi) but not right now. And mostly because he doesn't really feel sorry. I mean, he has told me he's sorry, but it is such a vague kind of "i'm-sorry-about-all-the-starving-children-in-china" kind of disconnected "i'm sorry", you know? Did that make sense? Just to be clear: he's not apologizing for starving children in China. I just mean that his "i'm sorry" to me feels like...like I'm not a real person so my 'hurt' is kind of vague and theoretical to him. OK. Perhaps that was more confusing...
And Wonder Woman: I like that idea. Sometimes I just need to step outside of myself and get out of my 'this is my life' muck, you know? I think I may just take that bit of advice. Blondie brownies, mmmmmm.....
**Edited Post! I am a dork and typed "Saturday" instead of "Sunday" for church. Durrr. Thanks, BFF for pointing it out. Moco... ; )**
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