Did you ever think that this whole blog, though a nice way to vent, is in fact a very real form of your own "covenant breaking"?!? You promised to be faithful to him... and though he hasn't done the same for you, it doesn't make it right...not so much in line with that whole "turn the other cheek" concept, ya know. You should blog in a written book... because there are a lot of people reading this that know who you are, no matter how anon the blog is... and that fact means that you are publicly defaming your 'Beloved'... so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows... or at least all the people closest to him... You are digging your own grave, sistah. I'd stop while I was ahead if I was you. you are very much ironic. just like the pharasies. gotta love them Utah (Colorado) Mormons!July 15, 2009 11:30PM
First of all, I must apologize for not noticing the comment sooner. I didn't have the email alerts set up to tell me of a comment until a few weeks ago, after your comment was posted.
Now, I'd like to address your comment: Holy cow.
I found this comment a week ago and it has bothered me every day since. For a few reasons. One is a petty reason, and that is that it sounds like you know me and know who knows me on here. Which makes me sad that you didn't think that you could just tell me your concerns, because I would have appreciated that very much.
Another reason it bothered me is because I didn't think of it as breaking my covenants. I didn't feel that I was publicly defaming Beloved, either. Though if that is what someone saw, then maybe it is true. I tried to be honest and yet still loving and not blast Beloved. Though I see now that those who love Beloved just shake their heads when reading this blog and say "wow, poor Beloved" and send love his way. But those who do not know Beloved might read this blog and want to blast him.
I will say, that I have asked Beloved twice (maybe three times? I have to think...) if I should stop my blog. Both times Beloved has said that he understands I need to express what I am feeling and that it doesn't bother him.
I agree that the people closest to him know about the blog. But the only people whom I have given the address for this blog (of people in Beloved's life) are family members whom I would personally have been open with (and some with whom he has been open regarding this affair), and three very close friends (whom Beloved also knows about). It is out of concern for Beloved's embarrassment that I have not until a few days ago shared it with someone from my church. I can honestly say, however, that I do not truly know who reads this, as there have been some days when 50+ people stop by and I have no idea who they are. I just assume they are strangers...
I didn't think I was guilty of breaking my own covenants by keeping this blog. I really didn't. And if I have, then I am so terribly sorry. It is not what I ever meant to happen. I think that is clear. I hope that is clear. I am really trying to do everything right in this whole situation. I know that I am not perfect, and I see now that I have been failing more than I realized.
And for this reason, and also out of concern for your (very valid) point that what if Beloved wants to come back...etc., I am changing this blog's format/mood/content.
I will be going into my archives over the next few days and deleting some posts or portions of posts and summarizing them so as to give Beloved a little more privacy.
I will be shifting my focus from reporting and then telling about my feelings--to Just Me. It'll all be about me! (ok, that was supposed to be funny, but somehow it falls a little flat...)
I'll write this with an eye for...well, exactly what my subtitle says "and LDS woman's journal through her husband's infidelity"...I'll talk about my experience and feelings. Where I have to bring Beloved into things, for explanation, I might. I might not. We'll just have to see.
I must admit, that I started out with that goal. But as I wrote, and as people began to read (people who don't know Beloved) I felt like I had to justify why I am fighting for him. I felt like I had to show his words and his choices so I could explain why I know he is not himself right now. I really did. Perhaps I am a fool. Well, yeah. I think that is pretty obvious. BUT I mean, perhaps I was fooling myself in thinking that is what I was doing.
So no more. I really do love Beloved. And if he decides he wants to make things right, I want him to have the opportunity to do so. Without feeling like everyone and their uncle know his mistakes.
And, as I was talking to the Bishop Sunday about this 'need to justify' feeling, he said something that I've known for a long time, but never have been able to quite live: Don't worry about what other people think. Their opinions are colored by their personal experiences and the experiences of those around them. No one is YOU. No one knows what you have to do but you and God.
And so I have to apologize publicly, here, to Beloved. And to anonymous. And to anyone else I may have offended by blogging my heart out, here. I am sorry for not protecting Beloved as I should have. I am sorry that there are many posts that read like the script from a soap opera and not like a journal of my feelings. I hope you can forgive me and know I totally did it without thinking of the problems it might cause. And I will try to make it right, in whatever way I am able.
OK. So, talk is cheap. Now I need to act. I'll be going through my posts soon. For now, it is the middle of the night and this was weighing on me, so I needed to get up and get it out. I'll be going back to bed, now.