Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Call To Repentance, or I've Been Chastened

Dear Anonymous, Who Wrote This Comment on July 15th:

Did you ever think that this whole blog, though a nice way to vent, is in fact a very real form of your own "covenant breaking"?!? You promised to be faithful to him... and though he hasn't done the same for you, it doesn't make it right...not so much in line with that whole "turn the other cheek" concept, ya know. You should blog in a written book... because there are a lot of people reading this that know who you are, no matter how anon the blog is... and that fact means that you are publicly defaming your 'Beloved'... so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows... or at least all the people closest to him... You are digging your own grave, sistah. I'd stop while I was ahead if I was you. you are very much ironic. just like the pharasies. gotta love them Utah (Colorado) Mormons!July 15, 2009 11:30PM

First of all, I must apologize for not noticing the comment sooner. I didn't have the email alerts set up to tell me of a comment until a few weeks ago, after your comment was posted.

Now, I'd like to address your comment: Holy cow.

I found this comment a week ago and it has bothered me every day since. For a few reasons. One is a petty reason, and that is that it sounds like you know me and know who knows me on here. Which makes me sad that you didn't think that you could just tell me your concerns, because I would have appreciated that very much.

Another reason it bothered me is because I didn't think of it as breaking my covenants. I didn't feel that I was publicly defaming Beloved, either. Though if that is what someone saw, then maybe it is true. I tried to be honest and yet still loving and not blast Beloved. Though I see now that those who love Beloved just shake their heads when reading this blog and say "wow, poor Beloved" and send love his way. But those who do not know Beloved might read this blog and want to blast him.

I will say, that I have asked Beloved twice (maybe three times? I have to think...) if I should stop my blog. Both times Beloved has said that he understands I need to express what I am feeling and that it doesn't bother him.

I agree that the people closest to him know about the blog. But the only people whom I have given the address for this blog (of people in Beloved's life) are family members whom I would personally have been open with (and some with whom he has been open regarding this affair), and three very close friends (whom Beloved also knows about). It is out of concern for Beloved's embarrassment that I have not until a few days ago shared it with someone from my church. I can honestly say, however, that I do not truly know who reads this, as there have been some days when 50+ people stop by and I have no idea who they are. I just assume they are strangers...

I didn't think I was guilty of breaking my own covenants by keeping this blog. I really didn't. And if I have, then I am so terribly sorry. It is not what I ever meant to happen. I think that is clear. I hope that is clear. I am really trying to do everything right in this whole situation. I know that I am not perfect, and I see now that I have been failing more than I realized.

And for this reason, and also out of concern for your (very valid) point that what if Beloved wants to come back...etc., I am changing this blog's format/mood/content.

I will be going into my archives over the next few days and deleting some posts or portions of posts and summarizing them so as to give Beloved a little more privacy.

I will be shifting my focus from reporting and then telling about my feelings--to Just Me. It'll all be about me! (ok, that was supposed to be funny, but somehow it falls a little flat...)

I'll write this with an eye for...well, exactly what my subtitle says "and LDS woman's journal through her husband's infidelity"...I'll talk about my experience and feelings. Where I have to bring Beloved into things, for explanation, I might. I might not. We'll just have to see.

I must admit, that I started out with that goal. But as I wrote, and as people began to read (people who don't know Beloved) I felt like I had to justify why I am fighting for him. I felt like I had to show his words and his choices so I could explain why I know he is not himself right now. I really did. Perhaps I am a fool. Well, yeah. I think that is pretty obvious. BUT I mean, perhaps I was fooling myself in thinking that is what I was doing.

So no more. I really do love Beloved. And if he decides he wants to make things right, I want him to have the opportunity to do so. Without feeling like everyone and their uncle know his mistakes.

And, as I was talking to the Bishop Sunday about this 'need to justify' feeling, he said something that I've known for a long time, but never have been able to quite live: Don't worry about what other people think. Their opinions are colored by their personal experiences and the experiences of those around them. No one is YOU. No one knows what you have to do but you and God.

And so I have to apologize publicly, here, to Beloved. And to anonymous. And to anyone else I may have offended by blogging my heart out, here. I am sorry for not protecting Beloved as I should have. I am sorry that there are many posts that read like the script from a soap opera and not like a journal of my feelings. I hope you can forgive me and know I totally did it without thinking of the problems it might cause. And I will try to make it right, in whatever way I am able.

OK. So, talk is cheap. Now I need to act. I'll be going through my posts soon. For now, it is the middle of the night and this was weighing on me, so I needed to get up and get it out. I'll be going back to bed, now.

Thanks.

Gigi.

32 comments:

Mrs Bee said...

Okay my love.
Now you don't know me at all...but I have been reading and my heart has broken along with yours.

A slight suggestion to the anon commenter.
If you do not like what you are reading STOP. Its real easy. See that little x in the top right hand corner of your computer screen? Yup, click on that.

I honestly don't think you should delete anything that you have written here.
I also don't think you should hold back with anything that you feel you need to get out.

Although there are three sides to every story, this is your side. Don't let some small minded person take that away from you.

Also...You can change your blog to a private blog. Those people that want to read and support you (IN WHAT EVER YOU WRITE) can still do so.

-What ever you decide,

Big Hugs.
Sass

Karen said...

I agree with the above commenter.

I allow Anonymous comments on my blog because I want people to feel like they can write whatever they want, but Anonymous comments like this really bother me for a few reasons. This person is casting judgment on you, but hides behind anonymity. I think it's really sad.

As for the tone and theme of your blog, you have to do what you feel is right. I am not you and I've never been through anything like your situation, but I think this blog has shown that you are upholding your covenants. Your husband is perfectly aware of it and can read it anytime he wants to, even though he promised he wouldn't.

What I have read here is the story of an incredibly strong woman who is doing everything she can to keep her eternal family together. Gigi, I see you as an inspiration. You are a great example of how we should deal with very difficult situations in marriage. Too many people run straight to the courthouse to file the paperwork. But not you. After everything that has happened (and I'm sure I don't know the half of it), you still ask all of us readers to pray for YOUR HUSBAND just as much as for yourself and your children. That, my friend, is the mark of someone who is keeping her covenants, not violating them.

Becca Christensen said...

I think you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right. But I'm with the ladies who wrote above, I wouldn't delete your content because of one follower. All of us who write about personal matters receive some sort of criticism. The truth is hard for people...but that doesn't mean we have to stop telling it.

You have my support no matter what you decide.

Anne-a-Belle said...

I think you've shown a tremendous amount of restraint in how you talk about "Beloved". You make it very clear how much you are still in love with him, even after everything. And He is a wonderful person who is caught up in his sins. There isn't a person out there who hasn't been caught up in their sins at some point in their life. We ALL need the atonement. This blog just helps me know how to pray for you and "Beloved" and your children.

But, the bottom line is that you need to do what you think is right. It doesn't matter what I think!!!

Luv ya!

P.S. The more I talk to my mom about her experience working with people in the addiction recovery program, the more I think this affair is a form of sexual addiction--which explains why he would make the decisions he would make. It's just one more tool Satan uses to destroy families!!! Let's not let Satan win, this time! I'm still praying for you and your family--and Beloved!

Anonymous said...

This is Sister in Law of BFF. OK, agree, agree, agree, and agree. This stinks of something bad, I believe this could be someone who knows you and the situation and are trying to, as said above, pass judgment on YOU, take the blame from Beloved, try to soften the terrible and awful fact that he is being deceived; the facts are the facts. You have been more than loving and kind toward your "Beloved". Me, personally, I would like to shoot him in the, well, you get the picture. But you love him and you are fighting for your Eternity. I commend you on your restraint. Do what you need to, but you are awesome, if you ask me. Have you seen the new Ensign? There is an article on "Spiritual Fidelity". (I thought of you). Continually praying for you!

wonder woman said...

Amen and amen to all above commenters. You have been MORE than gracious concerning your husband on this blog. You have not shared all the details of the situation.

I personally vote for you goig private over editing past and future content. This is YOUR SAFE PLACE to share what you need to share and process what's happening. I do not think you are breaking covenants. I know that you're still gaining new readers, and for that reason going private has some drawbacks. But regardless of what *I* think (or others say), you do what's good for you. If you think you should edit, then do that. Seriously. Only you know what is best for you.

But here's one bit of advice you should definitely take: have comments sent to your e-mail!! Ü

Ali said...

I stumbled upon your blog and have really enjoyed reading your perspective on what you are going through. It was nice to read what you wrote so openly, so genuine. I agree that this is your safe place. You need a place to let it all out. Of course, you have to decide what is best for you. Many people are thinking of you and praying for you - isn't that amazing?

Anonymous said...

I know you both and can HONESTLY say that you have protected him constantly thru this whole thing. Why shouldn't you have the right to express yourself in any way you need to in order to get thru this. that commenter is wrong, but do what you must, I'm here for ya, babe. - sista S

MiMi said...

Gigi! Please don't change what you are doing.
You have been fair and honest about Beloved. I don't hate him and I don't know him so it would be easy for me to say, "Oh, to hell with him."
ONE anon. commenter should not change your entire blog.
I don't think you are breaking your covenants. I am not Mormon, so I don't know exactly, but please, writing and getting support from other women does not break a major rule does it?
Please don't change your other posts. Please don't change. You are honest and working through this the best way you can.
And anon. commenters usually kinda suck. I see where they were coming from, but don't be changing for ONE person.

Housewife Savant said...

Okay Gigi, sometimes you just Piss Me Off, cuz you are TOO NICE, and that makes this whole thing some crazy irony what with that B*TCH being so unkind.

Sometimes I think you're actually wrong with the nice, my dear, but I'm pretty certain that it's honey that catches flies, not vinegar. (Which is NOT implying that your Mr. is an insect, but if that B*TCH wants to complain to me she can click on my monicker to come to my blog.)

I agree with above comments.
She's judging with anonymity. Twisted and dumb.
IF you go private invite me, and I promise to do less swearing.

Sorry 'bout that.

Ou blog are our Safe Places indeed. Be Nice to Gigi, Bee-otch!

KMB said...

Gigi,
Your bishop is right. You don't need to worry about what other people think.

I can see anon's point, but I don't at all agree.

You don't need to apologize for venting and thinking out loud. You have been very respectful and loving towards Beloved, even though he doesn't seem to deserve it.

My heart aches for you and as someone who is about to be married your blog has been eye opening and made me really think about how I'd like to approach the challenges that married life might bring me.

Thank you for being so open and please reconsider.

Nancy said...

I think the only change you should make is to stop allowing anonymous comments. If people aren't brave enough to own what they say, they shouldn't say it.

The Johnson Family said...

I completely disagree with this anon. person and agree with all the girls above! You are a remarkable person!!! You are human and an amazing one at that. None of us are perfect. I would rather have you vent to outerspace and all of us then hold it in or take it out on your family.
I have been a better wife and mother because of what you have said and done. thanks for being such a wonderful example to me. Your story has given me a wake-up call to not take my marriage for granted. THANK YOU!!!

Joanie M said...

Gigi, oh I agree with what everyone is saying! This is YOUR blog, YOUR place to get your feelings out. You shouldn't have to delete or censor anything in your blog for ANYONE!! I also think it's too bad anonymous doesn't have the guts to reveal herself and is hiding behind her anonymity to blast you.

I also agree with Housewife Savant that you are being too nice, but I can understand why you are too nice. I was you five years ago. I would have done anything to save my marriage, and get him away from HER. I realize now that I never could trust him, ever again.

My brother told me something that is so true. This is the hardest thing you'll ever go through and you will survive it. It actually would have been easier if my husband had died.

So, be strong! However this turns out, you will be stronger because of it. hugs!!!

"Q" said...

To this quarry:

"so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows..."

Those of us who know Gigi and Beloved love both of them. We want Beloved to come home and when he does, we forgive him and he never has to worry that we will think less of him. We all have major trails in our lifetime and when you know someone as wonderful as Beloved you know that only love and support will help he and Gigi rebuild. There is no reason, worry or excuse why Beloved can't come home. Come home! We love and miss you!

Rory said...

You have written your experience, and it has helped you to feel a little less alone as you go through this struggle. And there are readers here, anonymous ones, that do not condemn you, but thank God for your willingness to write, because they feel a little less alone, too.

We need to talk about these things, even in our LDS community, and acknowledge the realities and pains, as well as the joys, of life.

Bless you, Gigi, for writing this. For sharing your soul. For being strong, even in your moments of weakness. You are muddling through, but you have no idea how it is helping us all to connect a little more with our shared humanity.

jmn2001 said...

Gigi, all I can say is I wish there had been blogging twenty years ago. I internalized all the pain and ate to numb it instead of getting it out.

I agree with the person who said that those of us who know you both just want you to be able to put things back together. Yes, I get frustrated with Beloved's current behaviour, but I know that somewhere inside the pain is the eternal person who is exactly as you have described him. My prayers are for your continued care from both our Father and friends near and far and that Beloved will remember who he really is.

Love to you both,

S.

Anonymous said...

defame - charge falsely or with malicious intent; attack the good name and reputation of someone

this is what the dictionary states what defaming means. you have done nothing of the sort. that anon commentor doesn't know what she's talking about. while we are all in shock over his actions i don't feel that anyone has developed any real bad feelings towards him. also if you were to do it in book form it's the same as a blog so why the hypocracy there with her? gotta love those anonymous mormons! hahaha easy to pass judgement when your sitting on your ass behind a computer!

also last night i had parmesean chiken____ and it was a little dry! lub you!
-anonymous ashley!

leslie jo said...

Gigi- I am a friend of one of your family members. I sat and read your whole blog the other day. I shed some laughs and tears. I have to say you are a saint. You have really not defamed your hubby. You have told it like it is and that is human and honest. You have truly kept the eternal perspective and have made me look at my trials with the same light. Your hubby is a good person, just having a rough time.
You inspire me to be a better person, "mormon" wife and mother. I think what you are going through is crazy. I hope your hubby comes back he seems like a very good man just making some bad choices But we all can choose to change! We all can have a another chance that is what is so great about the gospel.


TO THE cowardly ANON.The whole Utah/Colorado Mormon thing makes you sounds judgmental yourself not to mention ignorant.
I hate that comment I hear it all the time. Many of us mormons feel that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is perfect but not the people... that is why we are here!

Anonymous said...

Please don't go private! Please don't delete your posts. Do you know how long I've searched for someone else who is LDS who is going through the same thing as me? Over a year and 1/2! And you know what in that time I've keep my Beloved's secret and because I felt like I was protecting him for when he returned to full fellowship (in my case though) it just enabled him to do it again. So I want to read how you are feeling. I feel the same way I bet. I go from having an eternal perspective to not being able to see my hand right in front of my face all in the matter of seconds. I'll be back to read your posts and give you my blog.

Enduring said...

http://enduring2end.blogspot.com/

Cat said...

First of all I want to say that I agree with all the sisters that have left their above comments. It warms my heart that Gigi has had so much support from her "fan base".
This blog has been a great way for those close to her to understand what is going on in her life without having to constanly ask and drill during a difficult situation. I know with all my heart she has been more than fair in her accounts. I am thankful that she has found an output to her feelings. DO NOT CHANGE A WORD OR YOUR STYLE CHICA!!! Those of us that know her family love She and Beloved and miss him very much.
Anon. has no right to pass judgement.

Anonymous said...

Write Gigi, write!

RoryPaints said...

Well, I think after reading all of these comments I speak for the rest of us out here in cyberspace when I say, "Keep it UP!" and "Don't stop now because YOU, my dear, have a gift!" You truly DO touch people's lives in ways that I'm sure you're not even aware of quite fully yet....and we have all learned from you, whether we have faced a similar circumstance or not. The choice is always yours of course, but you have been given the gift of writing in a way that relates to MANY MANY people and we all love that you've shared that with us! LOVE YOU, BFF!

Anonymous said...

Say something. At least let us know you are okay.

rocky said...

Oh please -- annon is probably the girlfriend. Or friend of the girlfriend. Or some other "she asked for it because she was wearing a tight skirt" sort of passive agressive moron. Seriously. This person does not deserve a minute of your time and certainly not a whole blog post. Keep on keeping on -- and don't apologise to anyone for writing about how you feel. And don't apologise to that covenant breaking, selfish, immature husband of yours unless you accidently kill him.

Malisa said...

Okay, so I just looked back through the comments to when that nasty comment was left, because I know that I left one after it, but much later. I'm SO sorry if it was notification of my comment that made you realize the not-so-nice one was there.

I have a public blog and have received a few hurtful anon comments. I REALLY don't like when people comment anon, so I took away that capability (until just recently for my latest post.) Anyways, I've actually deleted a few too. It's hurts enough just for me to read them - I don't need everyone else to think the same.

Also, I like you blog and think that under the circumstances you are doing amazingly well. And I love when people ramble - it's how my head works.

K a b l o o e y said...

I hope you keep writing and stay public, but that's for my sake because I've become invested in your story.

But you should do whatever feels right to you, then change your mind as you see fit. Your readers will follow as we can, but you have to take care of yourself.

Penelope said...

Since when does being in a covenant marriage mean you have to suffer in silence when your husband has broken the covenant? Since when does it mean you can't share your pain?

Considering you call him Beloved and say nice things about his character, I'd say that poster hasn't been reading closely enough to comment.

Eva Gallant said...

I've been reading through your blog and I appreciate what you are going through. I just have to say that my first husband was unfaithful after we had been married 11 years. I did my best to forgive him; the woman lived 3000 miles away, and I knew he would not see her again, so that made forgiveness a litle easier. But then he was unfaithful again a year later. I that point, I felt that there was nothing left to hang on to in our relationship; the trust was gone, the respect was gone, and I divorced him, despite the fact we had 2 children. He married the second woman with whom he had the affair, and a few years later he was unfaithful to her and ended up divorced again. He remarried abour 4 years later. He is now divorced for the 3rd time, because he was unfaithful again.
The best thing I ever did was get divorced from him, even though it was against my religion (Catholic). I remarried 4 years after he and I had divorced, and am celebrating my 26th wedding anniversary with my wonderful 2nd husband next week. My childere are grown, both waited to marry until age 27, and are still happily married 10 and 8 years later to wonderful girls and have blessed me with 6 grandchildren. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with beloved if that is what you want; but know there can be happiness down the road if it doesn't work out with him.
Good luck, Gigi.

Michelle said...

I haven't read all of the comments above but they seem to echo my own thoughts. THIS BLOG IS A GIFT.

You are showing tremendous strength and faith and will help others remain in their marriage. You are a gift.

Much love. m

MommyD said...

I found your blog a while ago, I think from SITS or you commented on my blog or something. I can't believe someone left a comment like that! I completely disagree with them. And honestly, people should never really expect to keep their "sins" private. If a person doesn't want people to find out they had an affair, they shouldn't have one, you know? It was always common knowledge in my ward when families broke up. I just want you to know I don't think you should feel bad and I don't think you are breaking any covenants (the commentor obviously doesn't know the marriage covenant anyway!) I'm glad to see your fam is being patched up! Good luck!!