Friday, August 7, 2009

Heartbreak and Homecoming

I'm home. Drove in late last night. Beloved was at the house waiting for us (I had told him we were coming).

Walking into the home made me feel ill. It felt so empty and cold, though it was probably 80 degrees inside (we have no central air). I was OK seeing Beloved, though I will admit I was nervous to see him. It wasn't that bad. Or would've been easier if I could just shake that weird feeling in my home.

It wasn't until two hours later, as the kids were in jammies and we were reading scriptures as a family and prayed that I realized what the empty feeling was. And I realized it because I felt the moment that it shifted back into feeling like my home. The Spirit had left my home in our absence. It was such a tangible thing when it/he (I never know the right pronoun there) reentered my home. Then I felt peaceful again.

The kids were so excited to see Beloved. But Beloved was even more happy to see them. He would periodically grab the closest child up into a bear hug and not let go for a long while. I must admit I was glad to see it...that he missed them.

We talked after the kids were in bed and before he left. I reiterated that I don't hate him. He said he didn't think that anymore, but that he has thought that. And I asked when and he said when I have hit him or gotten angry at him. I told him that there is a difference between rebuking him and hating him. Then he said that he just thinks I should hate him. And I said, "I think the only person who hates you." Because noone in MY family hates him. Are they disappointed and have their hearts been broken by one they loved, admired and trusted so deeply? Yes. But not one of them hates him.

I asked him if he is happy and he said, "No."

And I asked, 'why not' and he said, "I'm not miserable. Being without the kids was miserable. But. There's just no way I can ever be truly happy again. You can't have everything you want."

To which I replied, "Especially if one of them is a bad thing."

He kind of smirked at that, like he was thinking, 'yeah, i know you think that, but you don't know what i know'.

And then I asked him if he thought his relationship with her is a good thing.

And he said, "What do you mean, 'good'? Is it of God? No. Because I can never have with her what I have with you. (I need to clarify on his behalf that what he meant was an eternal marriage--being married in an LDS temple) But, when you are so miserable and then something makes you happy. Isn't that a good thing?"

So I said, "You were miserable?"

And he said "Yes"

And I asked for how long and he responded, 'for a year and a half, maybe two years'

And I asked him why he never said anything. To which he responded that he tried, or thought he did. Then he felt the need to clarify that he wasn't blaming me for it. Which is good, because I know this isn't about me. And I told him so. He kind of looked funny which made me think he didn't quite mean that he didn't blame me. Just that he didn't want me to feel that he was blaming me. You get the difference?

Then I asked him what made him so unhappy. I could list a handful of things that I think were making him unhappy, but he only pointed to one: his job. Long story short his company is really poorly run and even though he is the best at what he does, they continually screw him over. It gets kind of tiresome to be overlooked continually, or flat-out mistreated. Then he added, 'and then there were things that I felt I should have been getting from home and I wasn't' and then he looked at me and said, again, 'I'm not saying it's your fault'

To which I responded, "Good. Cuz I know that it's not."

And he looked at me (with that weird look again) and said, "you do? good. because I'm not saying that I blame you in any way for this"

But here I must interject "Methinks thou dost protest too much". Am I right? BTW, I know I misquoted that, but just deal with it, people. Back to what I was saying: It sure seems like for someone who 'doesn't blame me' he keeps mentioning it. And even if he doesn't realize he's blaming me, I am pretty sure he is. Because when I said, this:

"And even if there was something I wasn't giving you that you needed, it is still your responsibility as my husband to say something. Because, really, our happiness is kind of our responsibility."

...he looked like he didn't know what to think. Then he said, 'yeah i guess that's true', though unconvincingly.

See, I am pretty sure he compares me to Shannon pretty regularly in his mind. I mean, think about it. If I wasn't giving him what he needed, but she, by virtue of 'just knowing' every morsel of his soul, can give it to him, then it is a failing on my part and therefore MY fault. Am I right?

See, the thing is. I'm not buying into that. I don't think it is my failing at all. Because part of being in a relationship is opening yourself up to that other person. And that takes effort. And that he 'didn't even want to' do that with me...well, that isn't exactly my fault. It's his. Because I'm an open book to him, and I like to think that my heart would have been a safe place to entrust all those 'dark parts' of him that he thought would be so scary to me. Please. I don't think he realizes the things I know about him. There is nothing that he doesn't now know about me, and that is because I trusted him and shared myself with him. Well, maybe that's not accurate to say. Because now he has no idea who I am. Anymore.

OK. So, I'm a little emotional. I think I'm allowed to be right now. I just watched the preview for 'the time travelers wife'. I loved the book. But dangit, the preview just made me cry. I don't know. When she said, "What do you want to talk about? How bad it feels to sit here and wait for you?" I just crumbled.

You see. Before I left, before I took that running leap (I'm sure there will be many more to come) to get away and--I know I keep saying it, but--breathe again--Before I did that he left. He fasted and prayed Sunday and in the end he felt the answer he received was that he needs to know what it is like to live without his kids. When he said it I actually felt good about it. Mainly because I knew I was leaving in just two days...without telling him...and I felt immediately (once he told me he was going to leave that night after the kids fell asleep) that it was better that he did the leaving first. I can't ever let him think that I did the leaving or that I forced his hand in any way. This has to be ALL HIM. His choices.

Anyway. He left that night. Sunday night. In the middle of the night Big Boy woke up and came into my room. I sleep with a body pillow. That night I had shoved it into the bed where Beloved sleeps. When Big Boy came in I shoved it further under the covers and hoped he thougth it was daddy. Then I thought, "how sick is this?! this is what Beloved wants me to keep up until he decides what he wants for real?!" So he knows now that he will be explaining to the kids (in a way that they can understand--and I'll be there) that he is living somewhere else and why.

I'm not looking forward to that. He's out of town visiting his big brother and sister-in-law. They just found out what is going on and are being Switzerland right now. I'm glad for it.

We'll tell the kids Tuesday night. Ugh. Pray for my kids. And me. And him, that we can say the words...those awful ways that they can understand. And pray that it won't crush them.

I don't know what will happen next. How often he can come over. He says he wants to be here every day. But, I don't know that the kids will want to see him every day. I don't know anything right now.

I'm getting nervous and my heart starts to race just thinking of Monday night, having to wait one more time for the kids to fall asleep so that he can creep out of the house.

Because--and now I can't even see the screen to type. Because I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye over and over again. I don't want to have to keep being left. And I feel like watching him leave those few nights that I have had to...just crushes me a little bit more. Is it going to be like this every night until he decides to flee to Cali to be with her? I don't know. I don't want it to feel that way. I want, I guess.

And yet, how do I not let it hurt me, and still. be. me?


wonder woman said...

Oh, Gigi. This is just heartwrenching.

And how devastating for you to learn that he hasn't been happy for so long. I totally get the "not blaming you" but still feeling like he blames you. I'm in a similar situation with my own husband. And it's a tough spot to be in.

I can't imagine how hard all of these goodbyes are. And to keep having them would KILL me. I'm so sorry that it's finally come to telling your kids and making them aware of the "changes." I guess we knew the day would come, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

You and your kids, and your husband, will continue to be in my prayers. ♥♥♥

The Johnson Family said...

You are a strong woman. Stronger than you may even know. Remember that "This too shall pass, like a kidney stone!"
My heart aches for you and your sweet kids. They are the innocent victims in all this mess. Sorry that this is what he has chosen. I bet that he will soon find out that he is more miserable than ever if he actually leaves to be with her.
Stay true to who you are. Know that you are loved by so many. I know that you are relying on Him for support and he is carrying you right now.
You and your family are in our prayers. Hugs and kiss those babies of your like never before, you guys will all need the love.

@eloh said...

I've read your archives and feel reasonably "up to date".

I have a couple questions that you may or may not want to answer:

1. Does *tiny dancer aka Tony* read your blog? If hubby knows where it is then it stands to reason he has "shared" this information./?

2. Does *tiny tony* have children?

3. What has been her (tiny tony) husbands "take" on this whole matter? Has he already left? Filed for divorce?

The -truth- (Neither tiny tony or your Beloved can believed) will be used against your husband as a guilt trip by tiny tony if her husband leaves her/files for divorce.

I am amazed by your self control and wonder how life would be for me if I had taken your outlook on I hang on your every word.

I think you need to find out how to contact tiny tony's husband should the need arise.

I think a conversation with him would be very very interesting...I would be interested in what your other readers think as I was never good at marriage.

k a b l o o e y said...

Dear Gigi: I followed the link after you commented on my blog and I just finished reading your entire blog. I can't tell you how brave you are to be so honest and deal with this mess head on and to lay it all out for even strangers to read. I hope you stay strong and try not to doubt yourself because it ISN't about you or any failing on your part, no matter what Beloved says in a weak moment. Stay strong for your kids and don't apologize. You sound like a terrific person -- bright, kind, honest, but not a Pollyanna. my best.

Tiffany said...

This is just from my heart. Focus on you, on keeping your spirit strong, on keeping in tune with Heavenly Father. Go to the temple! Find peace and guidance there. Of course it's not going to be easy to do because Satan is after your family and your spirit. Still in my prayers......

MiMi said...

I'm never knowing what to say anymore, either that's good (for you) or I'm losing my mind.
I guess I figure it like this: good. leave now. tear the bandaid of quickly now (cuz ya been doin' it soooo slowly, beloved) and make it easier on everyone else. I pray for your kids and you all the time. I think he's getting to the point where he's beyond your help and instead of worrying about it and wasting time on fixing it (cuz he can't be, I don't think, at this point) move on. Keep strong in your faith. Concentrate on your kids. Live.
That's it, I guess. Smart, eh? Not so much, but there it is.