So as most of you know, Beloved and I took the kids on holiday for a week to visit family (Beloved's side).
We seemed to get along and have a good time for most of it. Beloved did bring his phone. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't feel like starting our vacation out with a disagreement, so I didn't push the issue. Which, I think was part of the problem, because, if I don't speak up about something, then Beloved feels it is completely within the bounds of 'what is ok behavior' right now. Or maybe 'to what lengths can I push this' is more like it. Honestly, I don't know.
Back to my story.
So we bounced around from hotel to Beloved's aunt's home, back to Beloved's brother's home for the first three nights. While we were at Auntie's house I sent Big Girl to get daddy so we could say family prayer before bed. She said he was busy on his cell phone. When I asked who he was talking to she said she didn't know and that he had pushed her out of the bedroom and closed the door. So I asked her to go back and tell him that we are waiting. Auntie was right there, so I tried to make it seem like no-big-deal.
When he finally came out to the living room Auntie had left and I asked him if he was talking to 'her' and he replied 'what? no! like I would be that blatant about it and call her from Auntie's home!' And I said, 'no, but you'd be sneaky about it.' Then after a few moments, I said, 'You are going to lose your family' and he said, 'I know.' and then he reassured me that he had not been talking to her, had just been checking his messages.
The next day we went to Brother's house to stay for a few days, just he and I and Baby Boy. The other kids stayed with Auntie.
We got there late and went right to bed. Baby Boy and I slept in the guest bedroom (a twin bed and a playpen--so only room for the two of us), and Beloved slept in the living room on the couch.
The next day I saw that Beloved left his phone in my bedroom. He kept going in there to check it. I know because I kept doing the same. Then late in the afternoon I thought to look at the call history. Yeah.
Beloved had called her in the middle of the night from Brother's living room and talked for over an hour. I was livid.
I confronted him about it. Not my finest hour. I actually hit him. Again. Ugh. I thought that the first time I hit him would be the only time I ever struck him, and yet I did it again. I was so disgusted with him and so angry that I just had no self control. It is something I regret...again.
He wanted me to keep it quiet. Don't make a big deal of it here, we don't need to bring Brother and Sister into it, etc. I walked away and then came back and said that the new rule would have to be that when he was home, the phone lives in my pocket, and why should I hide it from them, they already know what a bastard he's being to me.
I KNOW! I KNOW! This behavior is SO not me! I lost it. There is no explanation other than I could not keep it together any longer. Later, when Beloved reprimanded me for bringing it into their home (besides the fact that he brought it into their home by calling her in the first place--which he acknowledged, but was still angry with me for doing it) I could only say (as sorry as I was--because I was/am sorry) that I've held it together for so long. I just...couldn't...any longer. It all came spewing out like lava. Maybe because it was safe. Maybe because the kids weren't there to hear. Maybe becuase I felt the support of Brother and Sister. I don't know. In any case, I let it be known that he had called her.
Brother took him outside to talk with him. I went back to the room and listened to the voice messages. Some sounded...well, suspicious is all I can say right now. I did promise Beloved not to reveal certain things.
I confronted him again. And hit him. AGAIN. I--I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so sorry.
It was then that I went back into the room and read through the texts. And texted with Shannon. More on that later...another post. **NOTE: I have posted about it now and have inserted a link. Yay, me! I'm learning how to do this blogging stuff! Anyway. Back to the story**
I was sick.
I knew reading that stuff would bother me. It is why I NEVER did it until that night. And, oh, people, WHOEVER is reading this: It was awful. It was then that I found out his plans for LA., and other things that I won't discuss.
But it hurt. So much of it does still. And I just...besides the stuff that was about their feelings for each other, the way he talked about me was like I am this evil woman always looking for a fight. Someone he needs rescuing from. And it hurt me. It did.
Silly, isn't it? That reading his words to her that she is 'the most exquisitely gorgeous woman in the entire world' and that he loves her beyond anything else did nothing to me. Because I know what he feels for her is not truth. But that line of 'Gigi was looking for a fight tonight. You'd be so proud. I didn't give in' cut me deep. There were several texts I read that showed me to be in need of humbling, harsh, mean, etc.
I have shown him patience and love. I have been willing to forgive. I have been supportive and kind.
Have I stood up for myself? Yes. Twice. The times that I have been harsh to him are here for all to see. There have been no others.
It felt like just another betrayal. Small, perhaps, to some. But to me, it felt like...my character is...I don't know. How do I express this? Either he believes those things about me or he is lying about me. Either way is not good. I told him how I felt about it--later, when things had calmed down.
And he told me he realized it wasn't fair to me, but that she wanted so badly to hate me (and i quote, 'anyone in her position would want to, it's understandable') and so he obliges her.
Yeah. That didn't make me feel any better. He apologized and told me he would no longer misrepresent me, etc. I would like to interject here that later when he got home and told her all that was said and after all the texts had been erased, he came back with, 'but you know. i never really misrepresented you. so...' Which makes me think that Shannon talked him into that 'realization' or rationalization...rather.
We talked for a long time that night. I told him then that if he went to LA that...well, you already know.
I felt inspired to challenge him to change his music for a while. Music is really strong and powerful in him. He notices music everywhere and can recognize musical scores from movies he's seen just once. I challenged him to choose music for a while that only helps him feel closer to God and closer to His Spirit. He said he liked that idea, and accepted it.
We talked about so much. Things I really can't recall (it's 1:30 in the morning right now--maybe tomorrow I'll remember).
I do remember telling him that love is of God. And true love would never lead someone to do bad things. What he feels is a perversion of love. It feels real, but it leads only to bad things.
It seemed like a light went on for him at that moment.
It is sad to see how quickly it burned out.
The next day was hard. So hard for me. And the thing I hate most of all is the way Beloved walks around (anytime after we have a long talk or discussion) looking like a kicked puppy. I hate it for two reasons. One, I don't want to see him looking so wounded and forlorn. But, Two (and this is entirely selfish and wrong-thinking--I'm trying to get rid of it) I feel like 'Excuse me? I am the one who is getting screwed over here. I'm the puppy who has been kicked in the belly. Not you.'
I tried to keep it together, to keep from crying the next day. But in the afternoon I needed to go for a walk just so I could let it out. It was then that I decided to leave for a while. I knew I couldn't just sit around waiting till the 25th to find out what his choice would be. And the next day I made my plans.
So that is about it. If I remember more, I'll tell you.
I kept the phone--without the battery--until the night before Beloved went back to work. That's a story in itself. But that one will have to wait. I need some sleep.
I'll have to do the comments later. Sorry.