Monday, August 3, 2009

The Story...or most of it.

So as most of you know, Beloved and I took the kids on holiday for a week to visit family (Beloved's side).

We seemed to get along and have a good time for most of it. Beloved did bring his phone. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't feel like starting our vacation out with a disagreement, so I didn't push the issue. Which, I think was part of the problem, because, if I don't speak up about something, then Beloved feels it is completely within the bounds of 'what is ok behavior' right now. Or maybe 'to what lengths can I push this' is more like it. Honestly, I don't know.
Back to my story.

So we bounced around from hotel to Beloved's aunt's home, back to Beloved's brother's home for the first three nights. While we were at Auntie's house I sent Big Girl to get daddy so we could say family prayer before bed. She said he was busy on his cell phone. When I asked who he was talking to she said she didn't know and that he had pushed her out of the bedroom and closed the door. So I asked her to go back and tell him that we are waiting. Auntie was right there, so I tried to make it seem like no-big-deal.

When he finally came out to the living room Auntie had left and I asked him if he was talking to 'her' and he replied 'what? no! like I would be that blatant about it and call her from Auntie's home!' And I said, 'no, but you'd be sneaky about it.' Then after a few moments, I said, 'You are going to lose your family' and he said, 'I know.' and then he reassured me that he had not been talking to her, had just been checking his messages.

The next day we went to Brother's house to stay for a few days, just he and I and Baby Boy. The other kids stayed with Auntie.

We got there late and went right to bed. Baby Boy and I slept in the guest bedroom (a twin bed and a playpen--so only room for the two of us), and Beloved slept in the living room on the couch.

The next day I saw that Beloved left his phone in my bedroom. He kept going in there to check it. I know because I kept doing the same. Then late in the afternoon I thought to look at the call history. Yeah.

Beloved had called her in the middle of the night from Brother's living room and talked for over an hour. I was livid.

I confronted him about it. Not my finest hour. I actually hit him. Again. Ugh. I thought that the first time I hit him would be the only time I ever struck him, and yet I did it again. I was so disgusted with him and so angry that I just had no self control. It is something I regret...again.

He wanted me to keep it quiet. Don't make a big deal of it here, we don't need to bring Brother and Sister into it, etc. I walked away and then came back and said that the new rule would have to be that when he was home, the phone lives in my pocket, and why should I hide it from them, they already know what a bastard he's being to me.

I KNOW! I KNOW! This behavior is SO not me! I lost it. There is no explanation other than I could not keep it together any longer. Later, when Beloved reprimanded me for bringing it into their home (besides the fact that he brought it into their home by calling her in the first place--which he acknowledged, but was still angry with me for doing it) I could only say (as sorry as I was--because I was/am sorry) that I've held it together for so long. I just...couldn't...any longer. It all came spewing out like lava. Maybe because it was safe. Maybe because the kids weren't there to hear. Maybe becuase I felt the support of Brother and Sister. I don't know. In any case, I let it be known that he had called her.

Brother took him outside to talk with him. I went back to the room and listened to the voice messages. Some sounded...well, suspicious is all I can say right now. I did promise Beloved not to reveal certain things.

I confronted him again. And hit him. AGAIN. I--I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so sorry.

It was then that I went back into the room and read through the texts. And texted with Shannon. More on that later...another post. **NOTE: I have posted about it now and have inserted a link. Yay, me! I'm learning how to do this blogging stuff! Anyway. Back to the story**

I was sick.

I knew reading that stuff would bother me. It is why I NEVER did it until that night. And, oh, people, WHOEVER is reading this: It was awful. It was then that I found out his plans for LA., and other things that I won't discuss.

But it hurt. So much of it does still. And I just...besides the stuff that was about their feelings for each other, the way he talked about me was like I am this evil woman always looking for a fight. Someone he needs rescuing from. And it hurt me. It did.

Silly, isn't it? That reading his words to her that she is 'the most exquisitely gorgeous woman in the entire world' and that he loves her beyond anything else did nothing to me. Because I know what he feels for her is not truth. But that line of 'Gigi was looking for a fight tonight. You'd be so proud. I didn't give in' cut me deep. There were several texts I read that showed me to be in need of humbling, harsh, mean, etc.

I have shown him patience and love. I have been willing to forgive. I have been supportive and kind.
Have I stood up for myself? Yes. Twice. The times that I have been harsh to him are here for all to see. There have been no others.

It felt like just another betrayal. Small, perhaps, to some. But to me, it felt character is...I don't know. How do I express this? Either he believes those things about me or he is lying about me. Either way is not good. I told him how I felt about it--later, when things had calmed down.
And he told me he realized it wasn't fair to me, but that she wanted so badly to hate me (and i quote, 'anyone in her position would want to, it's understandable') and so he obliges her.

Yeah. That didn't make me feel any better. He apologized and told me he would no longer misrepresent me, etc. I would like to interject here that later when he got home and told her all that was said and after all the texts had been erased, he came back with, 'but you know. i never really misrepresented you. so...' Which makes me think that Shannon talked him into that 'realization' or rationalization...rather.

We talked for a long time that night. I told him then that if he went to LA that...well, you already know.

I felt inspired to challenge him to change his music for a while. Music is really strong and powerful in him. He notices music everywhere and can recognize musical scores from movies he's seen just once. I challenged him to choose music for a while that only helps him feel closer to God and closer to His Spirit. He said he liked that idea, and accepted it.

We talked about so much. Things I really can't recall (it's 1:30 in the morning right now--maybe tomorrow I'll remember).

I do remember telling him that love is of God. And true love would never lead someone to do bad things. What he feels is a perversion of love. It feels real, but it leads only to bad things.

It seemed like a light went on for him at that moment.

It is sad to see how quickly it burned out.

The next day was hard. So hard for me. And the thing I hate most of all is the way Beloved walks around (anytime after we have a long talk or discussion) looking like a kicked puppy. I hate it for two reasons. One, I don't want to see him looking so wounded and forlorn. But, Two (and this is entirely selfish and wrong-thinking--I'm trying to get rid of it) I feel like 'Excuse me? I am the one who is getting screwed over here. I'm the puppy who has been kicked in the belly. Not you.'

I tried to keep it together, to keep from crying the next day. But in the afternoon I needed to go for a walk just so I could let it out. It was then that I decided to leave for a while. I knew I couldn't just sit around waiting till the 25th to find out what his choice would be. And the next day I made my plans.

So that is about it. If I remember more, I'll tell you.

I kept the phone--without the battery--until the night before Beloved went back to work. That's a story in itself. But that one will have to wait. I need some sleep.

I'll have to do the comments later. Sorry.


Housewife Savant said...

This is what it feels like to have a liar in the house.

I'd've smashed his SIM card.

And his testicles.

I would let everyone in the family know what's going on.
(Grown-up fam, not children.)
They're under his lies too.

Alicia said...

Satan is so tricky. I just hate it.

Hate it.

MiMi said...

Girl, don't apologize for hitting him. I know, it's wrong, but you had to get it out and I think I'd be on trial for murder by now if I were you.
Sweety, I know he's not himself right now, but please, keep thinking clearly (which you are) and keeping yourself and your children safe.
Try - if it's possible - to keep your self worth up and know it's him, and Shannon, not you.
It's tickin' me off, his choices are being presented by satan, but he's still making the decisions. Don't forget. In my prayers, as usual Gigi.

wonder woman said...

I think you're doing great. You've kept so many of your true feelings under wraps and bottled up that when they come out, they explode. He's a man. I'm sure he can take a punch or two from you every now and then. The punches he's dealt you hurt a LOT more, and have much longer-lasting effects.

One thing you mentioned struck a chord in me -- talking about Shannon helping him rationalize things.

I was engaged to a man before my husband who ended up being a bit manipulative. There were several things from our conversations that I repeated verbatim because he made me think they were true.

Is Beloved keeping his own record of this? Maybe writing down all his feelings and conversations with both of you would be healthy for him. He might be able to see more clearly the path he should take.

My heart aches for you. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm grateful you thought me worthy to enter this circle of trust. (Gosh, I'm so cheesy.) ♥♥♥

jmn2001 said...

My heart hurts for you, for your kids and even a little for him.
But mostly for you.

If you need to get out of the house for a while when you get back, you know you're always welcome at our place. And my offer of taking you out for my newest form of blissful exercise still stands.

I seriously want to write to S. and tell her that you've been libeled, defamed and that a man who is cheating on his wife really isn't the most reliable source of information or a decent judge of character. And that no man who cheats ever says to his paramour, "You know my wife is really an awesome person, you'd like her."

But you are an awesome person, one of my favorites in fact. I know you'd rather be his favorite person, but lots of us love you.

Big old hug,


Penelope said...

1. I would not have protected him. Let his family know (maybe they can help). I would not make light of anything in front of Auntie either.

2. Have you read Fascinating Womanhood? The author says that being married to someone who is actively cheating (like your husband is...he is giving his heart to someone else on a daily basis) can make a woman mentally ill, brings out her worst, can make her sick. You may need to leave him and seek help from your church and family, ask them to intervene and not go back to him until he stops this nonsense.

3. Next time you get his phone, why don't you give her a call. Say "I am his wife. He is causing us lots of pain. I read what he writes about me...he is the stereotypical cheating husband who pretends he has a wife that doesn't understand, but really I have always loved him, been patient, kind, and forgiving. He is lying to look like the bad guy, and he is ruining our family. I hope you can find it in your heart to see the truth and let me try to heal my marriage. You may think it's not worth saving, but we have very young children."