Saturday, September 5, 2009

And I thought I was doing a good job...

...of holding my world together and keeping up appearances.

As it turns out--not so much.

I guess I feel like people can't see the inside, so how are they to know how thinly I am tied together some days? How are they to know my world is suddenly made up of 'what-if's'?

I was at the school getting my kids registered and paid for, etc. (This was a few weeks ago) I felt I needed to let the school counselor know what is going on at home. She wasn't there, but I spoke to one of the women who work in the office with whom I'm only a little familiar. She said she was sorry (I don't know how to react to that without saying, 'yeah, me too.') and that she knew something was wrong as I walked into the gymnasium with my kids. She said it just looked like something was weighing me down.

It isn't the first time someone has said something like that. But the others who said that are people who are close to me, who know me and the buoyancy with which I usually go through life.

It surprises me that I have become so transparent. Have I? Should it surprise me?

It makes me think of "Graceland" by Paul Simon. Not the album, but the actual song on the album:

In July, right after returning from our trip to see Brother and Sister, the 6 of us were driving home from Beloved's softball game. Beloved decided he wanted to listen to music. He put on Graceland. I tried to keep my cool, but couldn't help reaching out as if to shut off the song, though I thought better of it and told myself, 'it's fine, you're okay' over and over again.
Because this is the part I forgot was in the song:

"And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart,
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow"

And I was thinking, yes, that is what I feel like. Like everyone can see it. And yet, I didn't believe that strangers could see it. But maybe they can. Maybe it isn't as hidden as I thought.

Maybe this is something like a tattoo. It has scarred me. It is now a part of me.

Can I make it into something beautiful?

You know what? I believe that with God's help, I can.


Housewife Savant said...

You ARE doing a good job.
You're handling unimaginably painful issues and holding it together.

Anyone who thinks they see or "sense" something and has the stones to inquire is probably genuinely concerned.

Maybe your circle will grow (if you're into friendship and that kind of thing.)
I haven't had friends in a long time, but if I remember rightly friends equal support, love, and comfort.
And it's a good thing...? =)

There's always the possibility that someone could say something ridiculous.
But you've handled the Nasty Shameless Other and the Brainless Unkind Commenter with class.

If someone's remark/inquiry is outta line, give 'em H.

Or just be really nice to them despite their stupidity.

The difference is probably why I have no friends. =)

mama-face said...

You can gigi; you can. And that's not something I just throw out there; I know you.

When a soul is wounded and in pain I think that this shows in the eyes. I think that you have some people in your midst who can see it. Not that they know the why; but they know there is pain. Then there are the goofballs who don't see it if it hits them between THEIR eyes.

Some of us are just more in tune with our sensitive side. :)

I heart you, you know that , right?

MiMi said...

You can, because little do you know you ALREADY have. You are very uplifting and inspiring to others in the same position. You are.
I heart you too.

♥ Teresa ♥ said...

Hi Gigi,

I found your blog yesterday and I have spent a lot of time reading the entire thing yesterday and today. My heart is breaking for you and your precious family, it truly is.

As I've read these last two days, you have truly inspired me with your amazing courage and strength and the grace you have continued to show all those involved. Many people say how they would respond in this type situation but no one really knows until it happens to them. We all know that in most cases, it usually would not be with the kind of love, mercy and grace you have shown your Beloved. You are truly the epitome of the Proverbs 31 wife.

One day I honestly believe your Beloved will realize what he is giving up. I will be praying with all my heart that he realizes it before it is too late.

I will keep you, your Beloved and your precious children in my prayers. I will also be praying for Shannon. She needs our prayers, too. Hopefully, she will realize the horrible mistake she is making in helping to destroy a family and a covenant that was made before our Almighty God.

Because of Him,

Teresa <><

RoryPaints said...

Ditto to the comments above! I'm once again reminded of how powerful this outlet is for you and I'm grateful that you have so many people out in the universe praying for you, guiding you, not giving up on you or your family....

YOU ARE a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and OUT and I know that through all of the torment and hell, you will pull through and become even more refined, more perfect, more beautiful.


Miss Mercedes said...

This happened to me. He and I worked through it. We are together. Now, I can say that it is the worst and yet the best thing that ever happened to us. The worst because it tore my heart out. The best because it gave me the strength to walk away (I handled it a little differently than you are and that's okay) and me walking away showed him how much work he needed to do. He was never going to see his best friend again...that required him to look into his heart and find us.

No matter how each of us handles something like this, it is certainly an experience to learn from and to grow from. My heart goes out to you as I read of those very familiar questions, feelings, hopes, desires and dreads.

Much Love,

trashly said...

so i came across this quote on my friend's blog. they have a newborn with down syndrome and has had some big obsticals in her short life. she's not home yet but Jeana's outlook and love of christ reminds me a lot of you. she posted this as comfort in her time of need. I know that you know god is here and is with you but sometimes we tend to think past Him and decide for ourselves where and when He will act. Not saying that's you but sometimes we lose our happy thought during our trials and heart hurties. so you know i lubs you and think of you daily. I hope you can continue to find peace and comfort and eventually your happy thought again.
here's the quote:
"Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He DOES hear us. He DOES see us. He DOES love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, "Where art Thou?" it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us -- where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He IS there. Our prayers ARE heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. - Jeffrry R. Holland"