Thursday, September 24, 2009

Get Over Yourself

OK. So here's what I have learned:
I have good days and I have bad days.
The good days...are good. (I know, so eloquent. It's a wonder I haven't been nominated for a Pulitzer of Blogging. I done write real good.)

The bad days consist of me dragging my tush out of bed, and getting things done in auto-pilot mode. The bad days are salty with tears. The bad days are wearying.

But I am learning to avoid them. Not altogether. But mostly. I don't have bad days anymore. I have bad hours, or bad minutes. And they are more maneagable.

You see: If I focus on me, on how this sucks, on how hard this is and wouldn't it just be easier another way. If I start to worry that I'm too weird and noone will ever love me again. If I think about my fears/self-doubt. If I focus on the miriad of little blows and piercing remarks (that he probably doesn't even realize he's dealt), then I feel like...like I am going to sink under the weight of it.

It's physical. I can feel my shoulders fill with lead. I can feel my heart begin to race in panic or anger or fear. Or pain. I can feel myself slipping into a mud that is deep and thick--and cold at first, but then my body heat warms it up a bit and it can become...comfortable, and my will to fight it kind of...fades away. That is the danger of it. It feels so good sometimes to wallow. (As my mom used to say,--ok, she still does--'It's nice to sit in warm s***') The thing is, you can't stay there. Or you'll drown. You just keep sinking deeper and deeper into that mud. You may not even realize it when it begins to fill you. And all you are left with is hurt, pain, anger, a feeling of mistreatment, and discontent.

Now. Don't get me wrong. This isn't about depression. Depression is real. People I love suffer from severe depression or it's various incarnations. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about choosing to wallow in and focus on/relive/pick apart hurtful experiences/words/etc.

When I focus on my kids and Beloved and the concern I have for them--and stop worrying about the ways I've been wronged, etc.--the rest just melts away. I can focus. I can breathe better. I may not feel light and airy, but I sure don't feel cold and wet and swallowed up by something that could kill me. I feel peaceful. I feel--dare I say it?--happy. I smile. I laugh.
I can move freely and think freely and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is good.

Now, some may say that I am going about it the wrong way. Some may say a little anger never hurt anyone, and not to bury my head in the sand.

OK. So say that.

But you see, I know I was wronged. I know this sucks. Most of those things that make my bad days bad are real and true fears/feelings/concerns. But I think life is about choices. I choose not to dwell on them. I choose not to focus on Gigi.

Now that isn't to say that I don't take care of myself. I'm eating (a little too well...gotta get back to that sugar-free lifestyle), and exercising, and taking time to read, and get together with friends, and being spiritually fed as well. I feel good. But focusing on something is different from caring for something. I'm caring for myself right now. I'm focusing on my family.

Now.
I'm no fool. I know I'll have bad days again. I'm not impervious. I'm human. There may be a day in the not-too-distant future when Baby Girl comes up to me again and says (again) 'Mommy. How about a makeover...Instead of more crying?' But I will try to avoid those days. I know the secret:

It's not 'get over it'.

It's 'Get Over YOU'.

9 comments:

♥ Braja said...

Touche...

attachment is the greatest cause of misery...

jinksy said...

Braja has said it all in her comment.

Karen said...

Oh, Gigi. You've figured it out.

I know my situation was SIGNIFICANTLY less painful or important than the one you're facing, but when I found myself dumped (rather harshly) earlier this summer, it was hard not to wallow. But when I focused on staying busy, doing things for other people, and forgetting about my own pain, the tears stopped. It wasn't easy. It wasn't instantaneous, but it happened. I still wish things had worked out differently, but I find myself doing pretty darned good these days.

I'm glad you know what you need to do to get through this. Focusing on your family will help in immeasurable ways. Not the least of which is that, when your kids are older, they'll know you did everything for them and never gave up on them because of how you felt.

The Johnson Family said...

Once again you are an amazing woman with incredible strength. I know the Lord is with you and your family.
Love you!

wonder woman said...

I find myself doing the same thing at times. When you let yourself dwell on everything you wish was different about your life, it depresses you. No motivation, no evergy, yada yada yada. But when you realize that there are things you can change, and things you CAN'T change, and choose to focus on what you CAN change, life is much easier to face.

Still praying for you.

Joanne said...

Gigi - you are amazing and your children are blessed to have such a wonderful strong woman to raise them. You are a fabulous role model for your children and I know in time once you allow yourself to heal you will be great and there will be someone very deserving of your love in your life.

@eloh said...

Oh I'm so glad to read this.

You should stop thinking about being loved again one day...Love will find you for sure.

One day you will wake up, you will be over him and it will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

MiMi said...

Dang! You are SO insightful! The fact that you can search inside yourself and you have not lost God and his strength to support you is amazing. You know that rope pulling you out of the s*** is God. You are doing so great, Gigi. You are an inspiration! NOW. NO e-mails back to me saying that you think that's hilarious...booger. : )

Ritsumei said...

Loose yourself to find yourself... I think you've just explained HOW to do that.

Thank you.