Thursday, September 10, 2009

Purgatorio

I have been asked what I am doing for myself. The answer is: "Um..."

I have been taking time every week to go to the temple. And I am reading a little bit. I have been journaling, and working on an essay to enter into a contest. Do those count?

I try not to sit without something to occupy myself. Because if I have a moment to sit, without a kid on my lap or someone vying for my attention, I know what will be running through my head: Thing One and Thing Two in the form of "what-if" and "but-when".

It is inescapable. I get frustrated with myself for allowing this trial to overrun my day thoughts. I hate that I can't even escape it in my sleep. But I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I mean...I'm in limbo. Until Beloved chooses one thing or another, I am in my own personal purgatory.

Interestingly enough, Purgatory (according to Wikipedia) "is the condition or process of purification in which the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven" Now, I must say, I think that fits in this situation. Wait a minute, hear me out! I mean, I'm not dead (um, obviously...why did I need to point that out?), but aside from that, I am in a situation, or place, if you will, in my life wherein I can be changed.
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I wrote this post a few days ago, but didn't get around to finishing my thought, but yesterday as I was catching up on my googlereader I read this post from Jennifer P. I liked how she described her life right now. It is uncertain and the normalcy that she keeps thinking she'll obtain or has obtained keeps escaping her. She said, "I'm kind of spilled right now. And I want to just stay cleaned up for a while." It makes sense if you read the post. She's a great blogger. Go read the post. WAIT! AFTER you finish reading this post, Silly!

Anyway. As I read those words I felt like they describe me. So much of me is laid bare and spilled out of me right now. I am having to look very seriously at myself and I have come to realize that I wasn't someone I could be proud of before this all happened. And I thought about how Beloved's infidelity has changed me--in a good way. In a really good way. And I think the beauty of being stripped bare, of being spilled out, is just as Jennifer says, "And that each time I get spilled, there is a chance to purge out the junk and what isn't needed and only put the good stuff away."

So here I am. The beauty of it is I can change. I have choices. I can choose to take out the stuff in my life that was just...noise...or, excess...or even deficiencies (can you remove deficiencies? oh well, I think you know what I mean). I can choose to keep the good that was there before, and add to it with what I am learning now.

It is my hope that I am becoming refined and purified in this process. I know my heart is different than it was before. I know I am more forgiving, more open, more understanding, more trusting in God, more hopeful in His promises.

So maybe this purgatory isn't so bad.

Maybe it is all a matter of perspective...

9 comments:

RoryPaints said...

Wow, I actually get to be the first person to respond to your post???? I feel so...so...special!!

I've been thinking a lot about you, tried calling the other day....anyway, I just want you to know that I loved this post and everything you said in it. I agree. Completely. This refining process has really brought out all of your amazing qualities and traits that (of course) we ALL saw in you already, but now you're seeing them in yourself too. Not that I would have wished this experience on you or ANYONE for that matter, but really, when it comes down to it, you've had an opportunity to be faced with looking at EVERYTHING inside and have been forced to evaluate it. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we ALL did that? I know I have a LONG way to go to get to the point you're at and I really admire you for it! LOVE YOU!!!

Karen said...

Seeing the way you have been handling this situation, Gigi, I just don't imagine how you could come out of this better than you already are! But I know what you are saying and I think you are certainly going through the Refiner's Fire.

@eloh said...

"Until Beloved chooses one thing or another, I am in my own personal purgatory."

What about what you choose? It seems he made his choice.
What do you choose as the future for yourself and your children...you can't live in limbo.

jinksy said...

'...my life wherein I can be changed.'
Can you not strive to get to a point where you realise, only YOU can change YOU? And should be the only one to choose so to do.

If you think this choice rests with another, you're allowing yourself to be the underdog, meek and subservient, instead of standing up for yourself, and for what you want out of life. Sorry if this seems harsh, but leaving the option to change as another's decision can hardly be a recipe for happiness.

Gigi said...

@ @eloh:I agree, he has made his choices. The thing is, the fool doesn't SEE that he has made any choices. When I point them out he looks at me like I am an insane person. He says 'I didn't choose anything! I just wanted to be with her!'.
I know if I went and did any number of things (filed for support or custody or divorce or even just said for him to hit the road), he'd point the finger at me and say 'Gigi did this.' And it would make him feel tons better.
No. He needs to know it is him doing the leaving, doing the giving up, doing the abandoning of his family. Which, I don't think he'll see until he actually makes the physical move to do so.
I don't want there to be any doubt in his mind who gave up on whom, who left whom, who ended what. Right now he cannot honestly see it, ridiculous as it may be.

Eva Gallant said...

Take back your power! "Beloved" should not usurp you control of your life. The fact that he's taking this long--not fair. You need to step up to the plate and determine yout future!

@eloh said...

I know you want so very much to preserve your family. We all see that and respect you and are in awe of your efforts.

But he has moved out of the marital home for another woman. He has already abandoned you and the children.

Maybe it is time to go see a lawyer and get some facts down on paper. I'm NOT saying to file for a divorce. What I'm saying is to get the actual date of his abandonment down on paper and get some financial support THROUGH THE COURT down on paper.

Maybe then he will SEE how his actions are viewed legally and by the rest of the civilized world.

Jennifer P. said...

Isn't it a great "Amen moment" that we can reach eachother in this kind of format? I am so grateful that my words triggered some kind of understanding in you. Glad that trials we have both experienced, and continue to experience, can lift and help one another.

Praying that peace will find you in increasing numbers of moments.

All the best to you friend and sister in the gospel.

MiMi said...

I pray for peace for you and your children. I think you sound great, you sound calmer and more introspective. But I never thought you sounded angry really. Frustrated. Not angry. You are so eloquent with your words. Christ is working in you. He is.