Sunday, September 20, 2009

"We are a broken family"

is what Baby Girl, age 4 lamented today as she got into the car with her brother and sister.

She kept asking as we were walking to the car and as I was coercing the kids to actually "get in", 'why isn't daddy coming to church with us?'

Then she said, "He's supposed to come to church with us. We are a broken family. WE ARE A BROKEN FAMILY!!!"

Beloved was standing in the doorway of the house with Baby Boy in his arms. He asked what she said and I told him and he looked surprised and said, "why would she say that?!" I just looked at him. I wanted to say something (like, 'DUH, I wonder?!'), but it was just too sad to hear those words coming out of that sweet little mouth.

As we drove away she started to cry and said, "We are a broken family because Daddy doesn't sleep with us. Or eat breakfast with us. Or go to church with us."

I thought she forgot about it, but tonight she gave the prayer as we knelt as a family. And she asked that Daddy would be blessed and safe as he drives to his friend's house. Then after she said 'amen' she got up and looked at him and asked, 'why don't you live with us anymore?'

She said a lot of things tonight to him. And I think a dressing down by a four year old is a lot more powerful than any one I could have given. Some of what she said to him were:
why don't you live with us anymore?
you should sleep with us.
you shouldn't sleep at your friend's house.
why do you want to sleep at your friend's house?
you should just live with us.
you should come back.
just come back.
our family is broken because of you.
you should come to church and have breakfast with us.
you are breaking our family apart.

I know. It breaks my heart to write this. And it isn't all. It's all I could remember, and at one point I decided I needed to give them a little privacy so she could cry and be mad at him and he could deal with her on his own.

I don't know what to think about how he handled it. He tried to comfort her and talk to her. When she said 'our family is broken because of you' he quietly responded, 'You're probably right'. Which I wanted to say, "What 'probably'? There's no 'probably'! She IS right!" but I didn't, of course. And of course, as is typical of Beloved lately, he completely missed the point and kept saying that he never eats breakfast with the family because he is always at work by then. I felt like explaining, 'she's not complaining about breakfast. she's complaining about your lack of presence. she misses kissing you good morning and hugging you goodbye. she misses waving at the window as you drive away.' But I kind of feel what is the point in saying those things. I don't know if he even would hear it right now.

On the upside--I am feeling very well. Woah. That was totally self-absorbed, wasn't it? "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" and all. Sheesh.

I am going to see how to handle things with Baby Girl tomorrow. Big Boy and Big Girl act like nothing is going on. That can't be healthy. They are going to see their school's counselor soon. I talked to her about what is going on and I think after that we'll know what next.

As always, please pray for my kiddos. But also (again, as always) please pray for Beloved. That his heart will be softened to his family and that he can begin to gain some clarity of mind, some discernment, maybe.



wonder woman said...

Oh, Gigi, that's heartbreaking. I have a four-year-old, too, and it's too easy to imagine those things coming out of his mouth. Actually, my husband's in Ireland on business this week and the kids are already talking about missing dad.

It can't be easy for him to be such a part of your lives, still, but not really a part.

Maybe when Beloved was talking about being at work during breakfast, he was just focusing on the one absence he has a legitimate excuse for. And trying to get Baby Girl to focus on that, too, instead of all the other things he doesn't have an excuse for.

I'm glad you're feeling well. And glad you told us. We love you, and want to know how you're doing. You're not self-absorbed -- you're just giving your readers what they want. ;o)

♥ Braja said...

It is heartbreaking...I don't know what to say. I'm glad you're feeling well; that you feel strength is God's blessings....

@eloh said...

This is so sad. It's like an open wound instead of a clean break. So much harder to heal.

Children always seem to feel responsible for the break up of a marriage (Here I'm an expert).
If only they had tried harder or been more well behaved or prettier, than daddy wouldn't have left.

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

I still feel the same ;) Glad to hear you are coping Gigi!

Joanne said...

This is so tough on your babies - - but if you keep handling this with the class and love that you have shown here they will survive.

My darling husband came from a "broken" home but his mother handled it so very very poorly she damaged most of her five children forever - they are adults now but the scars are still there.

Like I said just continue the path you are on - class and grace that is how I see you right now.

MiMi said...

Your 4 year old has a good way to express herself! Not many 4 year olds could put it to words like that. Praying for you all....

JustRandi said...

How smart of you to know that leaving the room might have so much more impact. I'm very impressed.

I'm afraid I would have just sat behind her saying "Yeah!"

jmn2001 said...

I can just see her sweet, earnest little self saying that and trying to figure it all out. Glad the rest of the play is going well, Mrs. Lincoln :-)

Anonymous said...

Scriptures tell us that we must be like little children...a little child sees the truth...the man's eyes are clouded and his heart is not open. I think God is helping her to fight your battle by saying the truth...naked,raw and pretense...nothing held back. She is hurting and very confused. One comment said that children rationalize the change blaming themselves. IT is true...he could not love us because we were not is my/our fault.

You are all in my prayers.

May God have pity on your beloved and mercy on you and your family.


Joanie M said...

Your 4 year old is amazing. She doesn't have that filter yet to not think out loud.

I think you're doing pretty ok, handling all this.

Anonymous said...

I just landed on your blog from my monthly blog surfing.... Needless to say you are a very wise, strong,woman. I am glued to your writings, as I can relate in some ways to your situation. We are now in a different stage, as I am sure you are aware of the many stages. My testimony for repentance and forgivness have grown more than it ever could had such a trial never come on our path. I guess you can say, I am, in a strage way, grateful for this enormous trial... you will be too someday, I promise!!! I can tell, just from what you write, you are amazing, and so is he...He just has not found himself yet...when he does( through your patients, and love unfained, you will love yourself and him more than you EVER thought you will find that christ-like love ( if you have not already had glimpses??) all these things WILL become more abundant in your life.I know from personal experience you are not the only one, and I thank you for your warrior like spirit to help empower woman through your strength and courage.

Anonymous said...

I am the last "anonymous commentater" for this.....Just wanted to add a comment, but not really wanting to post on the most up-to-date dealy;0) 10/23/09
I was happy to hear your husband has chosen what he has. I in no way want to shed negative light, only wanting to share mine own experience at this stage, in hope that you might be able to collect more oil and be better prepared than I was. In hind site, I'd wished I had gatherd more oil for my lamp. It seems I had used plenty when trying to pull him up out of the dark, that I was so tired when he began to come back. ( I got seriously ill and hospitalized) Again this is me and in no way do I want to shed any fear on your situation. This is the time when Satan seems desperate and will try pulling out the BIG guns. BUT, nothing can't be faught with the light of Christ. I have faith in you as you have displayed greatness already!!! I pray for him and you, as well as your sweet little children. Your both amazing....KEEP HOLDING TIGHT!!! <3