Monday, October 19, 2009

The Friday He Came Home

It has taken me a long time to sit down to type this out. I am not sure all that I will share. It is all kind of mixed up in my mind. I think emotion overload and my head spinning has something to do with it. But in any case, here we go:

Friday (09-25-09) started out with me thinking about what he had said the night before. I awoke and thought about it and decided that I was going to be thankful for what had transpired, but not read too much into it. I thought to myself, "Ok. He needs time. I can do that. If he needs a month, I'll give him a month. If he needs three, I'll give him three..."

On Thursday night he and I talked about Kirby Heyborne and some of his youtube stuff that I saw. I told Beloved he had to see the Kirby Heyborne/Mr. T commercial for Snickers. So I emailed it to him when he went home. Then I wrote in my journal and sent him a few emails of things I found (news stories and a cakewreck that I knew he would hate--er, love). We emailed back and forth that day about them.

When he got home from work on Friday we gravitated to each other. He kept finding me to hug or kiss or just talk. I was doing the same.

After the kids went to bed he and I sat and watched t.v. (I don't remember what) and he took my hand and was stroking it and looking at it with a queer expression. Queer, because I didn't know what it meant. So I asked him, "What? Is it dry?"--because I'm super-classy that way.

He answered with, "No. I just...missed holding your hand."

I didn't know how to take that. So I asked him, "Are you for real? Is this for real?"

And he asked, "What? This?"(indicating his hand holding mine)

And I said, "Yes. Are you serious?"

And we began talking. I wish I could remember how it all began. But we talked. I remember him saying something about coming over and every day I was just so loving and he didn't expect me to cook dinner for him or to be kind or happy to see him, but I did all those things and I laughed at his jokes (a sense of humor is terribly important to him--and me), and I was keeping the house organized and, "and you looked so beautiful. Every day. Why did you do those things?!"

And so I told him, "Well, the looking nice was for me. I like the way I look. I think it's funny that it took this for me to find that I like me. And the house, and treating you that way, well, I wanted you to feel comfortable and welcome here."

And we talked more. He told me everything. He told me how sorry he was, and how he was a fool. And I asked him when he wanted to come home. And he looked like I had just handed him the moon. And he started crying again and said, "I want to come home right now." And I said that he needed to do something first (which was that he needed to tell her it was over).

He had already told her that he would not ever be moving out to be with her. She was pretty upset about that. She had already rented and furnished an apartment in June with the understanding that he would be moving out there.

I was a mess. I wasn't sure what to think. He seemed in earnest, but it felt too easy. I thought, "Have I been through enough? Shouldn't this struggle be longer?" I know, I know, 'don't look a gift-horse in the mouth' and all that. But I couldn't help it.

So I was honest and told him that I was afraid that I'd wake up in the morning and when he came over he'd tell me it was all a joke and wasn't I stupid for falling for it. Or I picured (but didn't tell him this) that he'd be here in the morning with divorce papers, laughing at me, at my gullibility.

He asked me what I wanted him to do and I said that I wanted him to go to his place and call her. Break it off, and come back home. I didn't care how long it took. I wanted to wake up beside him. If this was for real I didn't want to spend another night away from him. He agreed. We kept talking (and crying, and hugging, etc.).

This exchange lasted hours. Neither of us wanted him to leave, but at the same time, we wanted it to be over so he could be home again. At least, that's what I think we both felt.

He left and called her from his cell phone in the car. He told her that he was calling so late because we had been talking and that he had told me everything and that I was willing to take him back. She hung up on him.

He called her back and he explained that it was over and he was coming back home. She called him names and told him he was a rotten person, emotionally abusive and manipulative, etc. She told him not to ever contact her again, which he agreed to. She told him not to call her family or her friends or anything else. He agreed to that, too, and no emails or texts. (Incidentally, BFF and I had a good laugh over this. She said, 'wow she was really covering her bases, there, wasn't she' and we laughed and added, 'and don't send me a telegraph!' and 'no letters!' and 'not even by pony express!' and 'no telegrams, singing or otherwise!' See, it's fun to laugh at inappropriate things...)

I don't remember what else. But he called me on my cell phone and said that he was finished and he was on his way 'home'. That was something that was sweet. While he and I were talking he said a couple of times that he had to go back to his place to get clothes and to break it off with her and come back 'home'--and he would say the word with such relief and delight.

While he was gone I got online and was too confused to write a post about what had just happened. So I finished a post I had been working on earlier and posted it.

I went to my room to read my scriptures and wait. I changed the sheets on the bed (because Big Boy had slept in the bed 2 nights in a row since Baby Boy was having a hard time sleeping and Big Boy drools...a lot. And it was all on Beloved's side of the bed. I figured he probably didn't want to sleep on that.)

I heard his car. I was listening for it. I met him at the door. I opened the door for him and he looked at me and he said, 'I'm home.' and I hugged him and said, "Welcome home." And we cried.

We got into bed and talked for several more hours. I kept waking up because I was being squeezed from behind and because he kept saying over and over " I love you. I love you, honey. "

That's about all I remember.

And so here it is...I asked Beloved if he'd be willing to tell you why he came home. In his own words. He said he would. And he said he'd be willing to answer questions, too. As am I.

HC, I see you left a question and advice in your comment. I will address it in the next post. And, if this is the HC that I think it is, then you should know that I love you right back. And miss you. And wish I could see you and give you a big hug. And bake brownies and goodies on a Sunday afternoon like old times. ; )

OK. Sorry about that, folks. Back to business. So. IF you would like to hear from Beloved, let me know. Not that you have much choice in the matter, since I am going to have him do it anyway. But, if you have a particular question you would like answered, post it or email me with it. I am not saying it will be answered (I reserve the right to tell him not to answer a question if I think it is inappropriate), but feel free to ask it.

Also. If I have left any holes, feel free to point them out to me, too. My email is right there on the right hand side of the page.

Gigi.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Since I haven't time to finish the post I had originally planned:

I will say, quickly, that this started out as a comment post, but it got too long, so here it is. It starts out being addressed to the 'anonymous' who doubted my truthfulness/reality/etc., but continues into a regular post. So don't feel like you are eavesdropping. ; )





Anonymous- I am so sorry you were taken in by that 'april rose'. I had never heard of it until you commented about it here. I googled it (gotta love that google). Holy cow. I can see that you would feel embarrassed or upset for being taken in by that hoax and then determined never to repeat it. And so I can understand you feeling unsure about my blog.

I didn't even think of Beloved as being a romance-novel name. It is what his first name literally means. And what I've called him in our emails or notes to each other for many years. Well, that and "Q" for "querido".

And there may be missing pieces to what I have posted. I have tried to keep some of his doings (that may be embarrassing to him) to myself. And a lot of my own experiences as well, kind of because I can't write everything or my fingers would cramp up. I may need to reread and see if I can fill in the holes. The problem is, since I KNOW all that happened (um, cuz it happened to me) then I may not see the holes. You know?

And believe me, I realize it was a quick turnaround. It's why my head was spinning for days and days after. It still does some days.

But now there are other emotions to contend with other than just 'is this for real? is he here to stay? does he mean what he has said?' Now there are emotions of frustration (with myself and with him), and impatience (with myself for having a hard time saying 'i forgive you'--I say a lot of 'It's okay's and 'I know's and 'We'll get through this's ) though I know I need time to heal all that hurt and loss of trust. And yes, there is still a lot of hurt. A lot.


It seems that I hurt so much easier now. I mean. I kept telling myself (when he was gone) "You can't hurt over everything." And I guess it became my mantra.

I was so tough and in control. I kept it all together (definitely it wasn't me alone, I know it was Heavenly Father holding me together--I'm not that strong), and felt peaceful a lot of the time.

And then he came home. And it feels like I am bleeding most of the time, now.

I feel like all my defenses are gone. I have my moments where I just can't handle certain things. What's worse is that I can't seem to keep it to myself anymore. With him back and all that we've talked about, it is like I am stripped of my defenses. And I cry. And I hate to see his face when I do. He hurts. I don't want to add any more to that, you know? But at the same time he says it is part of the return process. That he needs to understand all the consequences and pain caused by his actions. I struggle with that. Isn't there a balance there that must be struck?

It isn't that I cry all the time now. It's more that my tears come more readily than before. Sometimes surprising even me.

And stupid things make me cry. Or good things. Like the first day that he was back at work (he took the Monday after he came home off to spend with me) and he called me just to hear my voice. I said, "what do you want?" and he said that he just missed me and wanted to hear my voice and I couldn't help it and just burst out crying. Yup. That's me. It's what I've been reduced to: A bawler. Not to be confused with a 'baller'. That's something totally different.

And Sunday. We had just got back home from church and the kids ran inside and he and I were standing out front just chatting and he ran his finger along the side of my face and said, "Mmm. I love this face." Yeah. I bawled again.

I've used this description a lot lately, but it's the best way I can think of to explain it. It's like I feel so raw and bruised on the inside that even a gentle touch causes me to bleed. Maybe it's the gentle touch that does it. Perhaps I could more easily withstand harshness. I don't know.

Maybe now with all of me laid so bare anything would make me bleed...now that he's here.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

This will require another minute or two...

OK. I'm back.

Something I forgot to mention the last post was that I began paying attention to the sports headlines and when I found a story that touched me (like this one) or made me smile I would pass it on to him in an email with a sentence or two about what I thought. He began responding to them. I cried one day at how thrilled I was to get a response with, "That was awesome! Thank you!" I thought, "how pathetic am I?!" and cried again for my patheticalness (yes, it's a real word).

Monday is the day after Sunday (just, you know, in case you forgot) so I'll start there.

Monday (09-21-09) I don't really remember much of this day. What I do remember is that there was more tentative snuggling on the couch. He and I watched the Leno show (or whatever it is called) and continued sitting as we had on Saturday. Then when he was leaving I walked him to the door. I stood in the doorway and Beloved stood on the step below me. We stood chitchatting for a moment or two and then I gave him a hug. And kissed him on the cheek. And then the neck. And I was surprised to find that I wanted more than kisses and kind of grabbed him to me. And then he wrapped his arms around me and I got freaked out and pushed him away with an "I'm sorry." And his eyes were round and...hopeful. ( I wonder if that is the right word. It seems like that now, though at the time I wasn't sure what was there...Hmm...maybe I should ask him) And he said, 'why are you sorry?!' And I just didn't know how to say all that I was feeling--which is confused and scared and hopeful and more scared (because of the hopefulness)--and just repeated 'I'm sorry' and closed the door.

Tuesday (09-22-09) was just the same as Monday. Except for I think we were both a little more wary of each other. But, again, there was kissing at the door as he was getting ready to leave.

Wednesday (09-23-09) I had a primary (church group for kids ages 18 mos-11 years)presidency meeting and was gone for most of the evening. When I returned I complained talked about how cold I was during my meeting. I sat on their fireplace and had a blanket wrapped around me to keep warm. (Hello! Noone in the room was cold but me. What a wimp.) We talked a bit.
His hands were cold. His hands are NEVER cold. He was standing to leave and I stood with him near the door. I said, "let me see them" and took his left hand to see if it was really cold. It was. So I stood and talked with him and rubbed his hand between my own, and breathed on it to warm it up. He said it felt nice and we continued talking (About my fave Craig Ferguson and other stuff). And he said, "I love you" for the first time since June 5th. For the first time he said it on his own. NOT becuase I said it and he felt like he needed to say it back. NOT with a qualifier like "I love you, just not...(blah blah blah)" Just. I love you.

This is what I wrote in my journal the next day:
joy?
I want to cry.

Last night...Beloved said "i love you" for the first time (WITHOUT me saying it first) since June 5th.

Today I got an email. Tacked onto it at the end was 'Love you"

Is this good? Is this amazing? Is this great and wonderful and reason to rejoice?

Maybe I'll take the small victories and not worry about the big stuff right now.

Be grateful for what you can be grateful for, right?


Thursday (09-24-09) Big Boy had pack meeting for cub scouts. He's a Webelo and he earned his Arrow of Light award that night. It's a big deal and Beloved came along. Here is where it was a little funny: See, only a handful of people that were there that night knew that Beloved and I were separated. And we had to get up together to paint Big Boy's face and to pin the arrow of light on him and for him to pin me, etc. As I stood up there with Beloved and our son, I was very aware of Beloved's hand on my back, on my waist, at my hip, etc. He stood close. I felt exposed standing up there and still was so very confused. As I said in my journal entry. That day I received an email that said, "love you" and the night before he told me he loved me. Sure, we had been touching and kissing at home, but we were in public, here! I didn't know what was going on. (Gee, that seems to be my perpetual state of mind, doesn't it?)

That night we got home and he kept finding me and kissing me. Ok, I admit, I took my opportunities, too. The kids got put to bed and the kissing and stuff got to be pretty heavy. We stopped and talked a little bit. We were standing the whole time and by now we were standing in the living room. He said, well...Here. Another glimpse into my journal: This is what I wrote after he left:

To My Father in Heaven
Thou art a God of Miracles.
Thou art a God of Love.
Thou art a God of Joy.
Thou art a God of Peace.
Thou art a God of Hope.
Thou art my God.
Thou art my Father.
All my thanks I give to Thee.
All my love is in thanks to Thee.
All my heart is yours to do with it what Thou wilt.
For how could I not believe in Miracles?
How could I not believe in Love?
How could I not believe in Joy? or Peace? Or Hope?
When I see so clearly Thy existence proven
In the gifts of said miracles, said love, said joy, said hope and peace?
I will follow Thee all the days of my life.
For Thou hast led me through the darkness.
And the light can be seen, though from a distance.
And it is enough.
___________________________________________________________________________

"You look beautiful tonight. You look beautiful every night, actually"
"Thank you." smile. "I know." smirk/smile.
surprise. pleasant. smile. "Good"

"You really are beautiful."
smile (though a little bashful) "I know. And thank you."

"I hope you can be patient with me"
"Haven't I been patient with you?"
"You've been...more than patient...I've spent so much time moving away from you. I don't want to move away from you anymore. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog...I guess...I'm moving in a different direction"
eyebrows up. "that's...good to know..." afraid to breathe.
"I need you to give me time..."
"You have time. You have time...It's hard. For you."
"Yes..."
"But you're worth it."
a gentle argument ensues consisting mostly of "no I'm not"s and "you ARE worth it"s, then...
"No. I'm not...But you are."
blush. eyes and head down. hand to eyes/face. head up. 'Don't make me cry, you big bully' smile. kiss.

hands held.
kisses.
kisses.
smiles.
kisses.
i love you's from both...and from him first.
kisses.
good night.

____________________________________________________________________
I kept telling him he is worth it. He is. I've never doubted this whole time if he was worth it. Only if I really wanted to keep fighting when it would be so easy to just give up. Feel so good to be angry and mean. But that darn truth--He is worth it kept coming back to me.

"you are worth anything I'd have to go through...(later) you ARE worth it. And when you believe that--everything will fall into place"
"I'll never believe that"
"You will."

He will. Because it is true. He is worth it. This family is worth it. But HE is worth it.

OK. So, I'm going to go ahead and stop there for now. After looking this over, I'm going to put his words in one color, and mine in another, to make the journal entry easier to read. I hope that helps.

*******************************************
Also, thanks to Steph and Rosanne for sticking up for me and verifying my existence and the validity of my blog. Anonymous, no worries. Though, I am curious as to what is so unreal about my life. Just wondering.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

D'Ya got a minute?

Well!


Beloved's desire to spend evenings together is lovely. . .but it's hell on my blogging habit.


I mean, I had a system: At night after he went home I'd sit down at the computer and surf through blogs. If I felt like writing a post, I'd do it, or start a post, at least. If not, I'd just write in my online journal (ldsjournal.com, FYI, is super--you can text in your journal entry for the day and they email you if you haven't logged on in 3 days as a reminder). I'd watch a little t.v. and then read my scriptures and say my prayers and climb into bed in time to watch Craig Ferguson's monologue. Then I shut off the t.v., roll over and go to sleep. Ahhhh.


OK. It was lonely, sure. But I had a system.


Now I have to find a new system. Because I feel like this blog began as a blog about the infidelity but, even though Beloved is home, there is still so much to say. My story doesn't end with him returning. I'm not sure when my story will end. I'm not even sure what will qualify as 'the end'. There is so much to work through and to deal with and SOOOO much that I didn't say.

And this is why:


Luke 2: 19. "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version)


There were many times that I just felt like I needed to hold thoughts and experiences and even blessings, etc. inside. Maybe I was afraid he'd use it against me. Maybe I was afraid I'd jinx things. Maybe I was afraid I'd be laughed at. I mean, I have been laughed at (NOT by Beloved--just to clarify). And it's ok. I know they weren't trying to hurt my feelings. They were just reacting. And I can let it not bother me now.


So here goes some of the story. I say 'some' because my fingers may get tired.

On the 8th of September (09-08-09) I asked Beloved to do something for me. I asked him to tell me three things that irked him about me. He, of course, had nothing to say. ( I mean, hellO, I'm perfect...Oh, wait--) So I told him to think about it and to tell me the next day.


On the 9th of September (09-09-09) I went...somewhere...hmmm, I don't remember, actually. Oh, but it doesn't matter. OK. Back on task, Gigi. So, I came home and sat on the couch (the kids were already in bed) and asked him if he had thought about what I asked him. He said that nothing irks him about me right now. I said, well, what did...or something like that. He asked why and I answered that I'm trying to be a better person. (More on that later...Sheesh. Someone email me and remind me of all these 'laters' I've been putting in the last few posts.) So he told me. 3 things. which I was TOTALLY guilty of. And which really opened my eyes to my selfishness. Not that he said I was selfish. So don't you get yourselves upset. He just spoke the truth. I may tell you guys later. Just, right now it's not really important.

I could see that it really cost him something emotionally to tell me those things. So I told him so, and thanked him. Then when he finally looked up I smiled at him.

And then I saw it.


His eyes lit up and he sucked in a breath. It was brief. And I saw a smile on his mouth which I hadn't seen in a long while. To be honest, I was a little freaked out confused. So I asked, "What...?" His answer was, "Nothing. It's just that...it's been a long time since you've smiled at me. It was...nice." I replied that it had been a long time since we had reason to smile at eachother.

We talked some more--just chitchat. He had already told me he was going to be out of town for the weekend. He told me that he went to the therapist (his first time) that day. We chatted more. I saw his mouth working in a weird way. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I...I want to smile at you. But I'm...nervous. It's like I'm trying to take a picture." (Beloved is notoriously unable to smile naturally for a camera)


After a little while he said, "Nothing has changed. But, would it be o.k. if I hugged you?" I smiled and said, "yes." and he stood up and I said, "What, now?" But he knew I was only teasing and I stood up and hugged him and he cried. We stood like that for several minutes. I told him, "you can always have a hug." and he said 'thank you' and got ready to go, and as we stood in the doorway I gave him another quick hug and a peck on the cheek. And he left.


The next day (09-10-09) was Thursday and we talked again after the kids were in bed. Again, just chitchat. I asked him about a marriage seminar that was taking place the weekend after in a city not far from us. He replied that what would be the point? We weren't there yet. It was the reply I expected, but I felt like I needed to make the offer anyway. Again, as he left I gave him a quick hug.

He was gone for the weekend and we saw him again on Tuesday.

(09-14-09) Baby Boy was in the backyard with my dad when Beloved came from work to see the kids. Beloved didn't come inside since the big kids were out front riding skateboards and bikes. I went outside to greet Beloved. I told him that Baby Boy heard his voice from the backyard and started grunting and looking around for him (which, I'm guessing is how he came to be let out through the gate by my dad and brought to the front yard to see Beloved by the time I got out there). I made a point to touch him on the shoulder and to look him in the eye and say with a smile, "It's nice to have you back". He smiled and said, "Thank you." And as I was turning away I let my hand slide down along his arm and didn't realize until after I took a step away that his hand was turning as if to grab mine and hold it.

During that week a lot of little things happened and changed. And I dont remember exact dates of it all. So, I'll just say them in no particular order:


I continued making a point of touching him/hugging him in greeting and parting.

And something amazing happened (well, it was amazing to me, at least): he stopped shying away from me. Now, what I mean by that is that for weeks (months?) he had avoided touching me in passing. If he had to go through the hallway at the same time as I was coming the other way, he'd press himself against the wall to avoid contact. But suddenly (and I remember the first time it happened) he was putting his hand on my waist or hips as he passed, touching my shoulder or arm if we were near each other.


I decided not to be the one to always go for a hug so I backed off. And one night I gave in as he was leaving and asked, 'can I get a hug goodbye?' The next night I was excited that I was nursing Baby Boy as Beloved was leaving and he crossed the room to hug me goodbye.

And we began kissing on the cheek as he left.


And he was staying to talk. But just chitchat. (I know I'm using that word a lot. Sorry.)


Thursday (09-17-09) was "Families Are Forever Day" for our Stake, which means that all the members of our Stake (like a parrish) who can go to the temple were asked to spend the day serving there. My mom came down and watched the kids all day (seriously...ALL day...she's awesome) and I went to the temple. I prayed that by my serving in the temple all day, perhaps God would bless my own family because of it.

Friday (09-18-09) some super fabulous women came over with the intention of helping me organize Baby Boy's room and moving Big Boy into it. Yeah. That didn't happen. What DID happen was we got all excited over the front room and rearranged it. It took all day but it looked incredible. Seriously, the room looked and felt like we added another 3 feet to the length of the room. And, since that is the only gathering room in the house (besides the kitchen), the space was much needed.

The ladies were even excited about rearranging the pictures and they hung Beloved's and my wedding photos in several places in the room, but all (somehow) facing the couch. We hung up family photos, and recentered my gorgeous "The Russian Bride's Attire" (ok. if you click on the link, just know that that chick is NOT me. I just googled 'the russian bride's attire' and hers was the best picture of it. The others were so washed out. anyway. just so you know. that's not me. I'm so not a blonde--not that there's anything wrong with that!) It all looked so lovely.

But here was the drawback: the t.v. is in a really weird position. So you have to sit on one half of the couch...or one edge of one half of the couch in order to see well. But that would prove to be felicitous. I'll explain:


Saturday (09-19-09) was just Saturday. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary except that a coworker of Beloved's was getting married that day and I was sorry that I would now miss it. I got to know his fiance while attending the softball games over the summer and really liked her. So, anyway...the kids went to bed and Beloved was busy doing some reading on the internet (I think he was reading up on BYU football). I decided to watch t.v. I decided that I was bored with t.v. and wanted to watch "The Fellowship of The Rings". I started watching it and Beloved came over to sit with me and watch it. Like I said, above, you have to sit on the last two cushions on the sectional in order to see the t.v. at a good angle. I gave him the better seat (obviously) and made myself comfortable. Thing is, from where I was sitting it was more comfortable to sit with my legs curled under me and my head resting on the cushion behind and to the side of me. So I was kind of leaning, you know? Anyway. He sat next to me and as we watched I let my hand rest on his arm. And he leaned a little closer. And I let my hand trace his arm. And the kids called for me to come sing to them or give them water or something. I got up and hoped he wouldn't say, "well, gotta go!" when I got back. He didn't. We kept watching. Me with my hand on his arm, head on his shoulder and he with his hand on my leg, and his head sometimes resting on mine. You know that movie is 2 discs long, so we only watched most of the first disc and he was tired and said he had better go. Or maybe I said that. I don't remember. He left and I thought, 'well, that was nice. but don't get your hopes up.'

Then Sunday. Well, you remember what happened Sunday.

And I'm going to stop there for now.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Still Spinning

Sorry it has taken me so long to come back to the computer.

It has been a week since Beloved and I talked and he came home to his family...to me. The first several days were really...confusing. On one hand I was grateful to have him home and I felt he was truly sincere. On the other I was anxious that it seemed to come on so suddenly and could this be real?

I admit, there were moments that I had mini panic attacks that his return was all a ruse, that I would wake up one day to find divorce papers on my pillow or something.

That night that he came home (which I will tell about in another post) I said (to myself as well as to God), "This feels too easy." Now, I didn't mean that these last several months were easy. But, well, you have to understand where I was coming from. And that is something that I don't think I fully divulged here on my blog.

I was convinced that he was going to go to California. I was sure he wouldn't wake up on his own. Now, don't get me wrong, I held out hope. But I was gearing myself up for his departure. I kept saying to myself, "Just make it to October," which is when I thought he'd go.
I was making myself tough on the inside. I was steeling myself to what I believed would happen. I told myself that he would have to go to California and lose everything before he realized what he once had. And yet--and yet I would pray that he might not. That our children would be spared any further pain. That his heart might be softened and that he might begin to gain some sort of clarity about the situation.

So when Beloved confessed all to me and told me that he loved me and only...well, I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ; )

So I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself: here I had been readying myself for one thing and then my life turns around 180 degrees. I felt dizzy. I still do. It's a bit heady to see the way he looks at me sometimes.

The other day, though my apprehension went away. I was pulling out my cell phone to call one of my dearest friends, but as I was dialing I kept hearing BFF's name repeating in my head. I decided to call her. And as she and I talked and I explained how I felt about the situation she said something that helped me feel at peace with the way things had shifted so suddenly.

(I hope she doesn't mind my sharing this)

She told me that as I spoke it made her think of Abraham and Isaac. That Abraham was preparing himself to do this hard and awful thing, to sacrifice his son. How he must have prepared himself, resolved himself to the task--and then his hand was stayed. It made me think that maybe Heavenly Father was being merciful to me and to my little family.

I'm glad I called BFF. Don't you love when you follow a prompting and it pays off?!

Anyway. Well, I am muy cansado. So I need to get some sleep. I'll fill you in on more later, especially my perception of how the change occurred.

Oh, and on the fact that the next day...oh, you know what? It'll wait. ; )