Beloved's desire to spend evenings together is lovely. . .but it's hell on my blogging habit.
I mean, I had a system: At night after he went home I'd sit down at the computer and surf through blogs. If I felt like writing a post, I'd do it, or start a post, at least. If not, I'd just write in my online journal (ldsjournal.com, FYI, is super--you can text in your journal entry for the day and they email you if you haven't logged on in 3 days as a reminder). I'd watch a little t.v. and then read my scriptures and say my prayers and climb into bed in time to watch Craig Ferguson's monologue. Then I shut off the t.v., roll over and go to sleep. Ahhhh.
OK. It was lonely, sure. But I had a system.
Now I have to find a new system. Because I feel like this blog began as a blog about the infidelity but, even though Beloved is home, there is still so much to say. My story doesn't end with him returning. I'm not sure when my story will end. I'm not even sure what will qualify as 'the end'. There is so much to work through and to deal with and SOOOO much that I didn't say.
And this is why:
Luke 2: 19. "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version)
There were many times that I just felt like I needed to hold thoughts and experiences and even blessings, etc. inside. Maybe I was afraid he'd use it against me. Maybe I was afraid I'd jinx things. Maybe I was afraid I'd be laughed at. I mean, I have been laughed at (NOT by Beloved--just to clarify). And it's ok. I know they weren't trying to hurt my feelings. They were just reacting. And I can let it not bother me now.
So here goes some of the story. I say 'some' because my fingers may get tired.
On the 8th of September (09-08-09) I asked Beloved to do something for me. I asked him to tell me three things that irked him about me. He, of course, had nothing to say. ( I mean, hellO, I'm perfect...Oh, wait--) So I told him to think about it and to tell me the next day.
On the 9th of September (09-09-09) I went...somewhere...hmmm, I don't remember, actually. Oh, but it doesn't matter. OK. Back on task, Gigi. So, I came home and sat on the couch (the kids were already in bed) and asked him if he had thought about what I asked him. He said that nothing irks him about me right now. I said, well, what did...or something like that. He asked why and I answered that I'm trying to be a better person. (More on that later...Sheesh. Someone email me and remind me of all these 'laters' I've been putting in the last few posts.) So he told me. 3 things. which I was TOTALLY guilty of. And which really opened my eyes to my selfishness. Not that he said I was selfish. So don't you get yourselves upset. He just spoke the truth. I may tell you guys later. Just, right now it's not really important.
I could see that it really cost him something emotionally to tell me those things. So I told him so, and thanked him. Then when he finally looked up I smiled at him.
And then I saw it.
His eyes lit up and he sucked in a breath. It was brief. And I saw a smile on his mouth which I hadn't seen in a long while. To be honest, I was a little
We talked some more--just chitchat. He had already told me he was going to be out of town for the weekend. He told me that he went to the therapist (his first time) that day. We chatted more. I saw his mouth working in a weird way. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I...I want to smile at you. But I'm...nervous. It's like I'm trying to take a picture." (Beloved is notoriously unable to smile naturally for a camera)
After a little while he said, "Nothing has changed. But, would it be o.k. if I hugged you?" I smiled and said, "yes." and he stood up and I said, "What, now?" But he knew I was only teasing and I stood up and hugged him and he cried. We stood like that for several minutes. I told him, "you can always have a hug." and he said 'thank you' and got ready to go, and as we stood in the doorway I gave him another quick hug and a peck on the cheek. And he left.
The next day (09-10-09) was Thursday and we talked again after the kids were in bed. Again, just chitchat. I asked him about a marriage seminar that was taking place the weekend after in a city not far from us. He replied that what would be the point? We weren't there yet. It was the reply I expected, but I felt like I needed to make the offer anyway. Again, as he left I gave him a quick hug.
He was gone for the weekend and we saw him again on Tuesday.
(09-14-09) Baby Boy was in the backyard with my dad when Beloved came from work to see the kids. Beloved didn't come inside since the big kids were out front riding skateboards and bikes. I went outside to greet Beloved. I told him that Baby Boy heard his voice from the backyard and started grunting and looking around for him (which, I'm guessing is how he came to be let out through the gate by my dad and brought to the front yard to see Beloved by the time I got out there). I made a point to touch him on the shoulder and to look him in the eye and say with a smile, "It's nice to have you back". He smiled and said, "Thank you." And as I was turning away I let my hand slide down along his arm and didn't realize until after I took a step away that his hand was turning as if to grab mine and hold it.
During that week a lot of little things happened and changed. And I dont remember exact dates of it all. So, I'll just say them in no particular order:
I continued making a point of touching him/hugging him in greeting and parting.
And something amazing happened (well, it was amazing to me, at least): he stopped shying away from me. Now, what I mean by that is that for weeks (months?) he had avoided touching me in passing. If he had to go through the hallway at the same time as I was coming the other way, he'd press himself against the wall to avoid contact. But suddenly (and I remember the first time it happened) he was putting his hand on my waist or hips as he passed, touching my shoulder or arm if we were near each other.
I decided not to be the one to always go for a hug so I backed off. And one night I gave in as he was leaving and asked, 'can I get a hug goodbye?' The next night I was excited that I was nursing Baby Boy as Beloved was leaving and he crossed the room to hug me goodbye.
And we began kissing on the cheek as he left.
And he was staying to talk. But just chitchat. (I know I'm using that word a lot. Sorry.)
Thursday (09-17-09) was "Families Are Forever Day" for our Stake, which means that all the members of our Stake (like a parrish) who can go to the temple were asked to spend the day serving there. My mom came down and watched the kids all day (seriously...ALL day...she's awesome) and I went to the temple. I prayed that by my serving in the temple all day, perhaps God would bless my own family because of it.
Friday (09-18-09) some super fabulous women came over with the intention of helping me organize Baby Boy's room and moving Big Boy into it. Yeah. That didn't happen. What DID happen was we got all excited over the front room and rearranged it. It took all day but it looked incredible. Seriously, the room looked and felt like we added another 3 feet to the length of the room. And, since that is the only gathering room in the house (besides the kitchen), the space was much needed.
The ladies were even excited about rearranging the pictures and they hung Beloved's and my wedding photos in several places in the room, but all (somehow) facing the couch. We hung up family photos, and recentered my gorgeous "The Russian Bride's Attire" (ok. if you click on the link, just know that that chick is NOT me. I just googled 'the russian bride's attire' and hers was the best picture of it. The others were so washed out. anyway. just so you know. that's not me. I'm so not a blonde--not that there's anything wrong with that!) It all looked so lovely.
But here was the drawback: the t.v. is in a really weird position. So you have to sit on one half of the couch...or one edge of one half of the couch in order to see well. But that would prove to be felicitous. I'll explain:
Saturday (09-19-09) was just Saturday. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary except that a coworker of Beloved's was getting married that day and I was sorry that I would now miss it. I got to know his fiance while attending the softball games over the summer and really liked her. So, anyway...the kids went to bed and Beloved was busy doing some reading on the internet (I think he was reading up on BYU football). I decided to watch t.v. I decided that I was bored with t.v. and wanted to watch "The Fellowship of The Rings". I started watching it and Beloved came over to sit with me and watch it. Like I said, above, you have to sit on the last two cushions on the sectional in order to see the t.v. at a good angle. I gave him the better seat (obviously) and made myself comfortable. Thing is, from where I was sitting it was more comfortable to sit with my legs curled under me and my head resting on the cushion behind and to the side of me. So I was kind of leaning, you know? Anyway. He sat next to me and as we watched I let my hand rest on his arm. And he leaned a little closer. And I let my hand trace his arm. And the kids called for me to come sing to them or give them water or something. I got up and hoped he wouldn't say, "well, gotta go!" when I got back. He didn't. We kept watching. Me with my hand on his arm, head on his shoulder and he with his hand on my leg, and his head sometimes resting on mine. You know that movie is 2 discs long, so we only watched most of the first disc and he was tired and said he had better go. Or maybe I said that. I don't remember. He left and I thought, 'well, that was nice. but don't get your hopes up.'
Then Sunday. Well, you remember what happened Sunday.
And I'm going to stop there for now.