Friday, October 2, 2009

Still Spinning

Sorry it has taken me so long to come back to the computer.

It has been a week since Beloved and I talked and he came home to his me. The first several days were really...confusing. On one hand I was grateful to have him home and I felt he was truly sincere. On the other I was anxious that it seemed to come on so suddenly and could this be real?

I admit, there were moments that I had mini panic attacks that his return was all a ruse, that I would wake up one day to find divorce papers on my pillow or something.

That night that he came home (which I will tell about in another post) I said (to myself as well as to God), "This feels too easy." Now, I didn't mean that these last several months were easy. But, well, you have to understand where I was coming from. And that is something that I don't think I fully divulged here on my blog.

I was convinced that he was going to go to California. I was sure he wouldn't wake up on his own. Now, don't get me wrong, I held out hope. But I was gearing myself up for his departure. I kept saying to myself, "Just make it to October," which is when I thought he'd go.
I was making myself tough on the inside. I was steeling myself to what I believed would happen. I told myself that he would have to go to California and lose everything before he realized what he once had. And yet--and yet I would pray that he might not. That our children would be spared any further pain. That his heart might be softened and that he might begin to gain some sort of clarity about the situation.

So when Beloved confessed all to me and told me that he loved me and only...well, I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ; )

So I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself: here I had been readying myself for one thing and then my life turns around 180 degrees. I felt dizzy. I still do. It's a bit heady to see the way he looks at me sometimes.

The other day, though my apprehension went away. I was pulling out my cell phone to call one of my dearest friends, but as I was dialing I kept hearing BFF's name repeating in my head. I decided to call her. And as she and I talked and I explained how I felt about the situation she said something that helped me feel at peace with the way things had shifted so suddenly.

(I hope she doesn't mind my sharing this)

She told me that as I spoke it made her think of Abraham and Isaac. That Abraham was preparing himself to do this hard and awful thing, to sacrifice his son. How he must have prepared himself, resolved himself to the task--and then his hand was stayed. It made me think that maybe Heavenly Father was being merciful to me and to my little family.

I'm glad I called BFF. Don't you love when you follow a prompting and it pays off?!

Anyway. Well, I am muy cansado. So I need to get some sleep. I'll fill you in on more later, especially my perception of how the change occurred.

Oh, and on the fact that the next day...oh, you know what? It'll wait. ; )


The Johnson Family said...

AHHHHH! Cliffhanger...not fair! lol I have been checking daily to see any updates. (I know, I need to get a life). lol :) I'm so happy for you and can't wait to hear how this all played. Couldn't have been a happier ending...and now new beginning.

Eva Gallant said...

The cynic in me does not trust the situation; I hope I am wrong.

Kerri said...

I just want to say that you have been inspiring through this ordeal, and also very real. I'm so thrilled to hear good news and I'm interested to hear what has happened.

I also want to warn you about what might happen in the next couple of months. In my experience, I can be really great in a crisis. I see things clearly. I'm strong. I'm faithful. I pull everyone together. But when the crisis has reached its end, and real life sets in, it can be very very hard to stay strong. You may be peaceful and happy and serene, and if so, HOORAY! But don't be too disappointed in yourself if you get angry and frustrated and mad. You've had to work really hard for a really long time, and you may be due for a little breakdown. I'm just saying it's ok to feel this way, and you can get through it too. (But maybe you're stronger than I am and you'll be awesome. I really hope so.)

Anyway, congratulations on a positive (miraculous?) turn of events.

Karen said...

Gigi, I think Beloved couldn't help but see that you were completely loyal through the situation. I mean, your blog URL is I'm Not Giving Up On You. That's a really big deal.

I am so glad that things are going well and I really hope that Shannon is going to stay forever in the past now.

Thinking and still praying for you!

Gina said...

I found you through Karen and have been anxiously awaiting your updates. You are my hero. :) So strong and inspirational. I am thinking about you a lot. Hope things continue on the path you hope for.

Joanne said...

What Karen said (and very well too). You have showed a strength and so much love for your family that you make me proud (and I don't even know you).

Its faith like your that I am so very very envious of - wishing it existed in me but I can appreciate it in others.

I hope your Beloved knows how very very blessed he is!!!

MiMi said...

You are SO amazing! I can't believe you left us hanging with a couple cliffhangers...aaah! :)

Ritsumei said...

You are such an inspiration.

I ran into an old friend of the family the other day. It'd been something like 15 years since I'd seen her, and I struggled to come up with her name so that I could introduce her to my friend that I had with me. I got it wrong. She told me that she used to be Sister C__, but now she's Sister O__, it's her maiden name because she doesn't share her husband, who got into that pornography and then other women and, well, you know, she just doesn't share. The deep hurt she felt was apparent in everything about her. The whole experience was awkward and sad.

It made me think about the depth of your courage in doing all in your power to spare yourself and your husband and your children that pain. I cannot say how much I respect your choice to stay! The death of a family is something that should be fought with the same ferocity that we fight the death of a loved one.

While Karri may be right, and your family maybe has some hard times still to come, if you meet them with the same reliance on the Lord that you met the first challenge with there is nothing that you can't overcome!

Shop Girl* said...

You tease! ;)

I'm so so happy for you Gigi... and I hope that this is permanent and continues to bring you and Beloved closer to each other and your children. I can't wait to hear about how it all unfolded!

wonder woman said...

I thought the same thing as you -- Beloved would eventually return, but not before he nearly lost everything. I can understand the difficulty you must have had to gain your bearings again.

I can't wait to hear the rest of the story. I have a feeling it will ease the minds of those who think this is too good to be true.

But I CAN wait, because you need to enjoy your "fixed" family, too. xo

Joanie M said...

I have to say I'm with Eva Gallant. I'm a cynic when it comes to situations like this. Having been there, done that, I truly hope I'm wrong and your husband is home to stay and is the loving and faithful husband he should be. It's VERY difficult to forgive and mostly to forget. It's also VERY difficult to trust again. Remember he must earn your trust, so don't beat yourself up if you question where he's going and when he's coming back. And don't be afraid to check his cell phone from time to time.

Like I said, I hope he's home for good and I hope he regrets is actions and is faithful to your marriage.