Sorry it has taken me so long to come back to the computer.
It has been a week since Beloved and I talked and he came home to his family...to me. The first several days were really...confusing. On one hand I was grateful to have him home and I felt he was truly sincere. On the other I was anxious that it seemed to come on so suddenly and could this be real?
I admit, there were moments that I had mini panic attacks that his return was all a ruse, that I would wake up one day to find divorce papers on my pillow or something.
That night that he came home (which I will tell about in another post) I said (to myself as well as to God), "This feels too easy." Now, I didn't mean that these last several months were easy. But, well, you have to understand where I was coming from. And that is something that I don't think I fully divulged here on my blog.
I was convinced that he was going to go to California. I was sure he wouldn't wake up on his own. Now, don't get me wrong, I held out hope. But I was gearing myself up for his departure. I kept saying to myself, "Just make it to October," which is when I thought he'd go.
I was making myself tough on the inside. I was steeling myself to what I believed would happen. I told myself that he would have to go to California and lose everything before he realized what he once had. And yet--and yet I would pray that he might not. That our children would be spared any further pain. That his heart might be softened and that he might begin to gain some sort of clarity about the situation.
So when Beloved confessed all to me and told me that he loved me and only...well, I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ; )
So I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself: here I had been readying myself for one thing and then my life turns around 180 degrees. I felt dizzy. I still do. It's a bit heady to see the way he looks at me sometimes.
The other day, though my apprehension went away. I was pulling out my cell phone to call one of my dearest friends, but as I was dialing I kept hearing BFF's name repeating in my head. I decided to call her. And as she and I talked and I explained how I felt about the situation she said something that helped me feel at peace with the way things had shifted so suddenly.
(I hope she doesn't mind my sharing this)
She told me that as I spoke it made her think of Abraham and Isaac. That Abraham was preparing himself to do this hard and awful thing, to sacrifice his son. How he must have prepared himself, resolved himself to the task--and then his hand was stayed. It made me think that maybe Heavenly Father was being merciful to me and to my little family.
I'm glad I called BFF. Don't you love when you follow a prompting and it pays off?!
Anyway. Well, I am muy cansado. So I need to get some sleep. I'll fill you in on more later, especially my perception of how the change occurred.
Oh, and on the fact that the next day...oh, you know what? It'll wait. ; )