Something I forgot to mention the last post was that I began paying attention to the sports headlines and when I found a story that touched me (like this one) or made me smile I would pass it on to him in an email with a sentence or two about what I thought. He began responding to them. I cried one day at how thrilled I was to get a response with, "That was awesome! Thank you!" I thought, "how pathetic am I?!" and cried again for my patheticalness (yes, it's a real word).
Monday is the day after Sunday (just, you know, in case you forgot) so I'll start there.
Monday (09-21-09) I don't really remember much of this day. What I do remember is that there was more tentative snuggling on the couch. He and I watched the Leno show (or whatever it is called) and continued sitting as we had on Saturday. Then when he was leaving I walked him to the door. I stood in the doorway and Beloved stood on the step below me. We stood chitchatting for a moment or two and then I gave him a hug. And kissed him on the cheek. And then the neck. And I was surprised to find that I wanted more than kisses and kind of grabbed him to me. And then he wrapped his arms around me and I got freaked out and pushed him away with an "I'm sorry." And his eyes were round and...hopeful. ( I wonder if that is the right word. It seems like that now, though at the time I wasn't sure what was there...Hmm...maybe I should ask him) And he said, 'why are you sorry?!' And I just didn't know how to say all that I was feeling--which is confused and scared and hopeful and more scared (because of the hopefulness)--and just repeated 'I'm sorry' and closed the door.
Tuesday (09-22-09) was just the same as Monday. Except for I think we were both a little more wary of each other. But, again, there was kissing at the door as he was getting ready to leave.
Wednesday (09-23-09) I had a primary (church group for kids ages 18 mos-11 years)presidency meeting and was gone for most of the evening. When I returned I
His hands were cold. His hands are NEVER cold. He was standing to leave and I stood with him near the door. I said, "let me see them" and took his left hand to see if it was really cold. It was. So I stood and talked with him and rubbed his hand between my own, and breathed on it to warm it up. He said it felt nice and we continued talking (About my fave Craig Ferguson and other stuff). And he said, "I love you" for the first time since June 5th. For the first time he said it on his own. NOT becuase I said it and he felt like he needed to say it back. NOT with a qualifier like "I love you, just not...(blah blah blah)" Just. I love you.
This is what I wrote in my journal the next day:
I want to cry.
Last night...Beloved said "i love you" for the first time (WITHOUT me saying it first) since June 5th.
Today I got an email. Tacked onto it at the end was 'Love you"
Is this good? Is this amazing? Is this great and wonderful and reason to rejoice?
Maybe I'll take the small victories and not worry about the big stuff right now.
Be grateful for what you can be grateful for, right?
Thursday (09-24-09) Big Boy had pack meeting for cub scouts. He's a Webelo and he earned his Arrow of Light award that night. It's a big deal and Beloved came along. Here is where it was a little funny: See, only a handful of people that were there that night knew that Beloved and I were separated. And we had to get up together to paint Big Boy's face and to pin the arrow of light on him and for him to pin me, etc. As I stood up there with Beloved and our son, I was very aware of Beloved's hand on my back, on my waist, at my hip, etc. He stood close. I felt exposed standing up there and still was so very confused. As I said in my journal entry. That day I received an email that said, "love you" and the night before he told me he loved me. Sure, we had been touching and kissing at home, but we were in public, here! I didn't know what was going on. (Gee, that seems to be my perpetual state of mind, doesn't it?)
That night we got home and he kept finding me and kissing me. Ok, I admit, I took my opportunities, too. The kids got put to bed and the kissing and stuff got to be pretty heavy. We stopped and talked a little bit. We were standing the whole time and by now we were standing in the living room. He said, well...Here. Another glimpse into my journal: This is what I wrote after he left:
To My Father in Heaven
Thou art a God of Miracles.
Thou art a God of Love.
Thou art a God of Joy.
Thou art a God of Peace.
Thou art a God of Hope.
Thou art my God.
Thou art my Father.
All my thanks I give to Thee.
All my love is in thanks to Thee.
All my heart is yours to do with it what Thou wilt.
For how could I not believe in Miracles?
How could I not believe in Love?
How could I not believe in Joy? or Peace? Or Hope?
When I see so clearly Thy existence proven
In the gifts of said miracles, said love, said joy, said hope and peace?
I will follow Thee all the days of my life.
For Thou hast led me through the darkness.
And the light can be seen, though from a distance.
And it is enough.
"You look beautiful tonight. You look beautiful every night, actually"
"Thank you." smile. "I know." smirk/smile.
surprise. pleasant. smile. "Good"
"You really are beautiful."
smile (though a little bashful) "I know. And thank you."
"I hope you can be patient with me"
"Haven't I been patient with you?"
"You've been...more than patient...I've spent so much time moving away from you. I don't want to move away from you anymore. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog...I guess...I'm moving in a different direction"
eyebrows up. "that's...good to know..." afraid to breathe.
"I need you to give me time..."
"You have time. You have time...It's hard. For you."
"But you're worth it."
a gentle argument ensues consisting mostly of "no I'm not"s and "you ARE worth it"s, then...
"No. I'm not...But you are."
blush. eyes and head down. hand to eyes/face. head up. 'Don't make me cry, you big bully' smile. kiss.
i love you's from both...and from him first.
I kept telling him he is worth it. He is. I've never doubted this whole time if he was worth it. Only if I really wanted to keep fighting when it would be so easy to just give up. Feel so good to be angry and mean. But that darn truth--He is worth it kept coming back to me.
"you are worth anything I'd have to go through...(later) you ARE worth it. And when you believe that--everything will fall into place"
"I'll never believe that"
He will. Because it is true. He is worth it. This family is worth it. But HE is worth it.
OK. So, I'm going to go ahead and stop there for now. After looking this over, I'm going to put his words in one color, and mine in another, to make the journal entry easier to read. I hope that helps.
Also, thanks to Steph and Rosanne for sticking up for me and verifying my existence and the validity of my blog. Anonymous, no worries. Though, I am curious as to what is so unreal about my life. Just wondering.