Wednesday, December 23, 2009

So, do I owe you $100 now?

Oh, I have missed you.

This distance between me and this blog/you all has been crushing.

Truly.

Because it seems that if I don't allow my thoughts and feelings to vent, well, they just end up crushing me on the inside. There is nowhere for them to go.

So.

Where have I been these many weeks?

Losing my mind.


Now, don't get me wrong: I have days when I feel okay. It isn't that I don't think too much or hurt too much on those days, it is just that I am better able to keep out the crazy or keep myself calm...er.

But there are many days wherein I don't think I can go on a moment longer. Where I can't STOP thinking and hurting. Those days are bad. So bad.

It is frustrating, too. Because I know how calm and even and peaceful I was able to feel when he was gone. Why is it so hard to be that way now? I do know that part of it is I have not been clinging to Father in Heaven as closely as I had when Beloved was away. When he was being unfaithful. When he was cheating. Gosh. I realize that I talk about it often as 'when he was gone'. Is it because I don't want to call it what it was? Or another reason? I am not sure. But I am realizing that I cannot be peaceful and calm if I'm not keeping myself spiritually centered. So I need to fix that.

We are in counseling. Marriage counseling. And I really like our thereapist. So does he. This week we talked about the fact that I hurt. Gosh that sounds like such a simple thing to say: "I hurt." But I don't know how else to say what it is that I feel.

This hurt is so...pervasive. Is that the word I want? I think I understand how people get hooked on drugs (prescription or otherwise) just to dull all the noise in their heads and emotion they cannot deal with. I think sometimes it would be nice just to go to sleep and not...feel.

I told Beloved: Forgiving is easy. I've done that. I have no need to make him hurt or 'pay' for what he has done. That is between him and God.

Forgiving is easy. It's the not hurting part that I am having trouble with.

And I wonder if it will ever go away? Do you think it does? Fully?

Beloved's grandfather is very ill. And grandma isn't doing so well, either. And one of Beloved's aunts sent out an email with a dialogue between Grandma and Grandpa that was so...tender...and I thought (after crying and crying at the sweet and loving emotions expressed by word or carried along in the words) "Will we get there? Will there be a day in the future where I won't hurt about this and think about it? When I don't ache?"

I think there will. I think it will come. But I really hope it comes soon. Because I feel like I am not the best Gigi I could be while I feel all of these...icky emotions, for lack of better words. (Hey, it's almost midnight and I am out of the habit of writing. Cut me some slack.)

I have learned (after my last REALLY BAD episode of 'crazy') that I need you. This is where I think through my emotions and I find in writing them, I have to form them in a coherent manner. And so they stop bumping around in my head like balloons. So now you know.

And thanks for the therapy.

11 comments:

Karen said...

I'm glad to hear from you, even if it's because you aren't doing so great right now. I'm at least glad to know that you and Beloved are still together and working through everything.

There will come a day when it doesn't hurt anymore. But he did hurt you. In just about the worst way possible. So, of course it still hurts right now. But as long as you continue working through it and relying on the Lord, things will get better.

Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas.

Gina said...

I think it's important to really FEEL your emotions right now. If not, you'll never be able to heal.

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

It is true that time heals all wounds, but the hurt will only be just below the surface for quite some time, it will come and go.
You are a strong woman, think how well you did when he was gone. There should at least be comfort that you are certain you could survive on your own now, as you have already done so.
He came home, and he had a choice, which he made. THAT CHOICE WAS YOU!
Merry Christmas.

K a b l o o e y said...

My best to you. I hope you like your marriage counselor and that you're able to deal with the pain and lessen it over time. Hope you find some joy this holiday season and peace in the coming year. You certainly deserve it.

Eva Gallant said...

I wish you the best; I've been in your shoes and for me, the only way to get over it and get past it was to take my kids and walk away. That was 30 tears ago; it was the tight decision for me.

Ritsumei said...

I felt that kind of deep hurt, though it was a different cause for me: the miscarriage of my first pregnancy, so very much not the same, but your description, it sounds so familiar. I remember looking at the pills the prescribed for me, and thinking that what hurt was my soul, and the drugs weren't going to do a thing for it. I don't know how much value my experience is, in this situation, because the cause of your hurt is so different. But a couple of things helped. The first thing was the Lord. It was amazing!! He is amazing. You know how Isaiah says, "He has carried our griefs?" Well, He has carried my grief, and it made it bearable. Second, was I didn't hide from it. I knew that if I didn't go to church the first Sunday after, to where all my friends were going to ask, "How are you doing?" Which really means, how's the pregnancy going, and I would have to tell them that it wasn't going... If I had put that off one week I knew that it would be harder still the second, and I would be in danger. So I went. I faced it. And doing so, I passed through the worst of it, and things were better. Don't hide from the hurt; it can't heal that way. Don't wallow, but don't hide either, if that makes any sense. The last thing that has helped me is time.

So, there you go. Advice from a well-meaning stranger. I hope that it helps you, and that failing, I hope it at least doesn't make the hurt bigger. {{HUGS}}

wonder woman said...

Good to hear from you. Glad to be part of the support you need.

wishing you peace.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to see you back;0) I have watched out for you within the past several weeks, waiting for the next step;0) I wrote you back then a couple of times, and told you how I can relate with your situation, and although we are a couple years further ( so to speak) I can read your writing, and just know there is such beauty in your future! I know you say you have forgiven, which I am sure you have, and I was sure I had. Soon, you will let go of this pain you speak of, AND THAT IS WHEN JOY COMES BACK!!! I know it is only true to man, to put up that fight, thus feel that pain, but as soon as you give it ALL to Heavenly Father, you will no longer feel that pain, I PROMISE YOU.... And so does our Heavenly Father (Most importantly) I am not going to sit here and say MY "beloved" still does not struggle with his issues, and you see, it is all centered around self loathing, right!? These men seriously have no idea how to love themselves, thus making such dreadful choices. The pain you feel, is for him, isn't it?? You see his amazing potential, you know the man you married, you know he is worth it all, but he just can't see it. It is not within our scope of communication to be able to offer what it is they need, let it go, and let Heavenly Father. Step away, focus on bringing as much oil to your own lamp as you possibly can and send him into the wilderness ALONE. This "spiritual space" will offer you amazing light to see your path even that much clearer, AND you will walk that path with all the healing components needed all within the oil given you, to light the way. I totally understand "no Pain, No gain" But YOU seriously, have no need to suffer or hurt anymore.
All my sisterly Love,
Me

MiMi said...

Writing IS a really good way to get all of those messed up and bumping around feelings down and organized. Then you can feel like you got them out and move on...in a way.

Anonymous said...

sis, i am sorry i haven't checked your blog earlier.... the pain will go away. it will be gradual. One day you will wake up and realize the hurt isn't there anymore. but like all in life, you gotta go thru it to get thru it (that really sucks).... love you always. big sis

prashant said...

I'm at least glad to know that you and Beloved are still together and working through everything.

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