Sunday, April 25, 2010

So, enough already....and then maybe not.

So, I have a confession to make.
I'm fat.

so fat. **This is not to say that people who may be bigger than me should feel worse or any of that stuff. Cuz I've been bigger than I am now. This isn't about you. This is about me. And how I feel about my body right now. I'm just sayin'...**

I have gained 30 pounds in the last 4 months.

That's a lot. I know.

At first when I started to gain I told myself that it was because Beloved and I were celebrating. We ate sweets while snuggling on the couch after the kids went to bed, and ate out often after he came home. But, see, I didn't gain more than 5 lbs from September to December.

I gained it all after that. So technically it is 35 lbs. Yikes.

I gained it quickly. So quickly. Mainly because, though I say it has been four months, I have maintained at this weight for a month. So, really it is 30 lbs in 3 months.

OK. So why am I talking about weight on a blog about infidelity? For a couple of reasons. But the main one is the only one I'll address right now:

I've been swallowing my emotions.

I found they go down easier with a bite of anything I can find in the kitchen and a swig of Dr. Pepper. Or water. I'm not picky. Although the Dr. Pepper sure does taste good...Mmmm....Dr. Pepper. (that was my little homage to Homer Simpson and doughnuts--which are about the only things I haven't eaten in the last few months.)

I thought I was ready to come back to blogging. But it has been a struggle. How much do I tell about my 'getting over it' process? Where is the fine line between too much said and just enough to get my head on straight again? And then there has been the whole 'time' issue. It seems like my days are going faster right now. And depression. There has been some of that, too. Though, to be honest with you, I just call it 'not feeling well'. And it doesn't last long.

Usually once we go and talk things out with Dr. F I feel better. But I have a hard time talking about things with Beloved at home. I feel like with Dr. F it is safer, somehow. I mean that if he becomes distraught over something that hurt me, she can talk him through it. If I start to feel like a pathetic little porcupine--all prickly and hard on the outside but just lonely and sad on the inside she talks me out of it, or helps him to get me out of it.

I feel like we are learning the skills we need, but it is remembering them when the time comes that we struggle with. And, let's face it, how many of us in our everyday conversations with our spouses say, "I need to talk to you about something. Is now a good time? Can you mirror me?" Which, by the way, really does help a lot. But I seem to miss my own warning signs that tell me I am starting to struggle with some memory or emotion. I tend not to catch it until I am close to boiling over. I need to pay better attention.

This week I started watching what I eat. Again. And I decided I wouldn't eat when I was upset. Or lonely. Or bored. Or sad. Or angry. Or any of that other shtuff. But here is the problem:
I was a witch. And moody. Becuase I took away the thing that I was self-medicating with, and I didn't have any other option. I was working out, but that didn't seem to help. I hoped it would. I thought, "I'm trading emotionally eating for working out." It seemed like an even trade in my mind. Not so much.

And Beloved and I had a rough week. All of those emotions stated above and all the others I wrestle with just rose to the surface this week. Added to this was the concern I felt over Beloved starting a new job on Monday. I had to act like I was fine because if he knows I am upset it just messes with his self-esteem and he didn't need that his first week on a job.

But finally it had to be addressed and Beloved and I talked. And he made me realize something I hadn't before:
He said that when he was gone I was so strong. That I had faith in the end that Heavenly Father showed me, and I had the perspective to see his hurtful words for what they were: lies to justify his actions, or lies he told himself. (And that is something that bothers me: I liked who I was and felt good about myself and felt so strong when he was gone. I felt like when he came back home all that went away, you know?) I have always said that it wasn't me holding myself together. Because it wasn't. But what Beloved said next really struck me. He said maybe I was being held together because I was letting Heavenly Father into my life, letting him hold me together. But when Beloved came home, I just stopped.
I thought about it after he said that because it felt right when he said it. And I realize that I did just that. I kept asking Heavenly Father to just carry my burden just a little longer, that I'd pick it up when I could. And somehow, I just thought (foolishly, I know) that when he came home the hard part was over. And I just stopped depending on Heavenly Father for that. I remember thinking that He had handed it back to me because I could feel it's weight now on my heart. But I don't think He did hand it back. I think I took it back. I felt like His turn was over and now it was my turn. But I'm not that strong. I can't shoulder that weight alone. Who can? Isn't that why our Savior died for us? To take our pain upon himself? Our sins, but also the pain that we feel? Because of our own sins? Because of the sins of others? So that we can forgive? Truly forgive?

It sounds so silly of me to have forgotten that. To have stolen back my load when He would have gladly carried it further.

So that is where I am right now. Asking Him for His help again. And really, that's where I should be.


Karen said...

So good to hear from you. I've been wondering how you're doing.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress. I'm sure it's a tough rode to work through everything that happened, but you're absolutely right. The Savior has already taken all of this on him. Let Him help you. He knows exactly how you feel.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Gigi. I think you are self medicating because you know on some level that you were better off with "beloved" gone from your life; your subconscious knows you deserve better than an unfaithful husband. You are strong, and your are denying that strength when you allow yourself to be back in a toxic relationship.

Red said...

Hi, Gigi.

Just wanted to send you some support. I'm writing my last ever (ridiculously too long) paper for my undergraduate degree in Kinesiology. Anyway, I wanted to weigh-in (sorry for the poor choice of words) on the 'fat' thing - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I guarantee you'll be fine when it's time.

If you GET time, which I know is hard to come by, check out my friend's blog. She just started it a couple of weeks ago to track her weight-loss journey and has posted what I found to be some seriously gob-smacking and enlightening stuff! And when you're ready to take back control of your health check out for some AWESOME information.

Good luck. You can do anything, especially when you let Him help you out.

Kerri said...

I think all of this makes perfect sense. I have had times when I've had to be way stronger than I thought I'd ever be able to be, and then when the pressure is off, rather than maintaining that newfound strength, I've totally crumbled. It's NORMAL. You are NORMAL. Actually, you are heroic, not normal, but your response is normal.

I'm glad you two are in counseling together, because there has been such a betrayal of trust that it will take years to recover. And don't beat yourself up that it's taking time. Forgiveness sometimes just takes lots and lots of prayer and fasting and time to heal.

Lots of good thoughts your way.

Oh, and I'm a comfort eater, too. I will say that running has been a lifesaver for me, emotionally and physically. Don't give up on the exercise yet. It just may help you through this. Do you have friends to exercise with?

Alicia said...

You're smart. And I like you.

mama-face said...

It takes a lot of work to let go of the control we want to have over our situations. sigh. so much I want to say but it's kind of stuck in my head.

I love you gigi...I feel you in your words and my heart goes out to you. I'll always be here for you.

MiMi said...

Aw sweety. Gah.
Should I go with the whole, "eating never helps and that's why I'm fat and crabby?" speech or the "because you've gained weight doesn't mean you have to beat up on yourself or have low self esteem because that means you are looking at yourself and not Him?" speech.
It's a toss up.
But, once again, you have your head on. You KNOW what's going on. You will get past this. You will lose the weight. It will be good. With Him, it's all possible. :) Hugs.

Anonymous said...

You speak the truth!!! I lost a crazy amount of weight during my husbands galivant, and on the return gained the exact amount you have 35lbs. I have run in marathons, done the gym thing for over a year, and here I sit, completely content and pregnant again only 30 pounds heavier. I have come to the understanding, that yes, I will be healthy, I may be heavier than I have ever been, but I am happy and healthy. I can out run my kids so I know my heart is good ;0) and best of all, I feel love in my life...let me rephrase that...I allow the love to flow in my life..unfained Love.. it is there for you too. The weight will go. It is only a distraction...don't let it be. Your wonderful!!!! Know that, and love the fact...
My best to you always

Wonder Woman said...

I self medicate with Dr. Pepper, too. (Actually I prefer diet.)

I think you know exactly what's going on. I don't think your emotional eating is because of a toxic relationship. I think it's easier to enjoy food than think about hard stuff.

I also think Beloved was right on track about your willingness to let Christ help before and not feeling like you need Him now. I think it's great that now you're aware of it and can do something about it.

Plus, I've seen commercials to join Weight Watchers for free. :o) Seriously, my mom lost 35 pounds with them and has kept it off for 8 years.

Jane said...

Hi Gigi,
Glad you're back, I've wondered how you were doing. One thought - are you on any new medications? During and after my husband's infidelity and the subsequent divorce, I couldn't sleep, couldn't function and had four kids to take care of, so my doctor put me xanax. It was disaster. I gained so much weight so fast. Suddenly it was just there. Getting off the xanax didn't help with the weight so I've been doing Weight Watchers online and I've lost about 35 pounds now.

Anyway, I'm just saying that meds can do crazy things to your body.

Good luck to you and keep blogging!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Sorry to hear about your weight (because it's making you feel bad, of course). Good luck with figuring out the root causes. I'm an emotional eater too, and I go up and down. I also put on a lot fast in last 6 months, and I finally went (back) to Weight Watchers because I'm happier with myself when I'm at a healthier weight. Don't beat yourself up, which is easier said than done, I know. You are one smart, strong, and kind cookie (bad choice of words) and I have faith you'll figure out what's behind it all. Maybe making slow changes and getting exercise will help keep your mood up, because deprivation is going to add stress, not alleviate it. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Oh Gigi, I am with Eva on this one. You are in a toxic relationship and it doesn't seem to look as if you are healing. Eva is right, you are denying yourself that strength. You honestly do deserve better. Really, how long are you going to allow this situation to control your life? I am a health nut and even in my lowest of low's I continuted to exercise. You would be surprised as to how much more clear your thinking is when you are able to release all of that built up frustration and anger. Good luck!

Enduring said...

Hey Gigi - I've taken a LONG time off from my blog but I just realized that one of your friends left me a comment - tell her thanks! I appreciate it - I am doing A LOT better. I am moving forward with my divorce and shockingly enough my soon-to-be-ex had already been cheating on me again with yet ANOTHER woman - SHOCKER ;) It hurts but I am getting through it and I am feeling peaceful and hopeful and I know that this situation sucks but the Lord is mindful of me - ok with that said - when I found out about my ex's affair (his 1st one) then I refused to eat. I lost 35 lbs in 2 months - my hair started falling out - not good. Now I haven't gained back any of the weight but I've been eating normally again for quite some time now and I've been working out so people tell me that I look pretty good and honestly I feel great. I called it my pain and misery diet - I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Anyway- I think food for me was the one thing in my life that I felt like could control. I wonder if you are doing the same but opposite. Beloved can't control you - see beloved I'm eating this donut - you cant stop me OR psychoanalysis #2 - you want him to pay attn to your self-destructive behavior and stop you.
I think it's normal to need an outlet - we just need a positive one and not a negative one. Exercise has started to do that for me.

Anonymous said...

So enough already...haha...How are you guys doing and how's your relationship with God? How's your weight loss going? I pull strength from your messages. I just love your insight but we haven't heard from you in so long! Worried about ya!

Anonymous said...

Livestrong calorie tracker. I've stayed within my calorie goals and lost 11 lbs (and counting)in the last six weeks!